A song I wrote about a former relationship. I changed who I was to make someone else happy. I was miserable in turn. I wrote music for it too. Call me sometime I'll sing it for y'all.
FAULTY EXPECTATIONS
Verse 1:
I'm not a puppet, but with you it's like I have no choice
I might as well be a mute cuz when I speak it's not my fucking voice oh, oh
Every moment we're together it's a chore to coddle petty needs
My every want and desire is suspended second to your greed oh, oh
Your greed for attention, your greed to be right, your greed to have your way and my desire not to fight.
I act the way you want me to not out of love, I act like I do cuz when push comes to shove:
Chorus:
I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Verse 2:
I could end it, but I'm too attached to leave
Years of working with you has left me hollow as an empty sleeve oh, oh
I was a very happy person til I met you then I was fooled
and I lost all my friends due to all your fucking stupid rules oh, oh
Your rules to be your servant, your rules to submit, your rules to control and make me feel like shit.
I act the way I do not because I want you near, I act the way you want me to because my only fear:
I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Breakdown:
I'm not ready to die, no I'm not ready by far
I'm not ready to die, I can't wish on my scars
I'm in a prison I want out, but where do I go
I'm in this cage behind locked doors as my hatred grows
I don't want to hate you but you're leaving few windows
I'm beginning to play my hate against you like a Nintendo
This mask that I wear for you just cracked under pressure
I feel alive and found myself, my inner treasure...
BECAUSE!!
I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
(Bridge change, more intense drums, louder vocals)
But I'd rather be alive free of chains and live my life for me
oooh owww
I'd rather keep on living and have you just fucking leave me be
oooh owww
We will both be more happy when you open up your eyes and see
oooh owww
That we'd both rather die than live our lives as a fuckin' "we"
oooh owww
WE, OHHH WE, Ohhh Owww WE, OHHH WE!!!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Faulty Expectations
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Crow Just Sits
I love metal music. I decided to take a break from poetry and try my hand at writing a truly dark and brooding metal song.
THE CROW JUST SITS
Verse 1:
Can you feel the cold?
The crow stares down with malice
Are you what you are told?
The crow invades my palace
Verse 2:
All that I aspire to be
I need to don latex masks
To be the man of your dreams
The crow of nightmares stares and asks
Chorus:
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
I'm forcing what's not, to hinder my knowing
The crow just sits as my insanity's growing
Verse 3
The crow stares with content
As I squirm and claw my skin
But why should I conform and repent?
The human soul must embrace its sins
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
I'm forcing what's not, to hinder my knowing
The crow just sits as my insanity's growing
Breakdown:
Fuck you! I never asked for your help,now accustomed, I need it more than life itself
So True!! I became a shell of me, and now my pity is a demon in the hell of me.
Why did I subject myself to you? How do you act so warm with skin so blue?
The crow will never get my forgiveness, it’s not like she wants it, so I’ll have to eat it!!…EAT IT!!!
2X
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
Tearing apart primal visions of hate
The crow must be killed to acheive my fate
2X:
Needing and feeding my heart is still bleeding
Needing and seething my mind is still screaming
Outscheming the crow as she dies, now I'm leaving
Acheiving my fate as the shattered come pleading…Pleading!!
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Day After...
Unseen is that which goes bump in the night
Intangible thoughts on this untamable fright
I sniff till I smell the odor of my failure
My mind in the grasp of this livid torn jailer
I look to the numbness that I need to cope
Put a smile on my face as if there is hope
But reality tells me that I'm wasting away
By the day I just stray from the reasons to stay
Still there it sits with an ominous presence
Taunting and mocking my pleads for some pleasance
I'm walking on eggshells trying to rest on my laurels
But it remains on my thoughts and it's bending my morals
I must stay in place like my feet have been planted
And wait for selfish needs to be disenchanted
There are moments of clarity in this tightrope act
And fact is, this act has no measure for tact
I am playing chess with my life thinking 5 steps ahead
Only if I don't win I'll most likely be dead
Or I'll be wishing for death and release from my pity
I never knew this would be both so great and so shitty
Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Lost Red Sock
Rip tip tibbles, top shelf kibbles
Eating on lunch like Skip von Dribbles
Waxin that shoe like Ogenslarsh Larry
Munching on people that are overly hairy
Cannibals, Hannibals, creatures of fear
Are much less scary after 17 beers
Flyin through space is like sliding on trash
Both are really fun until the bonejarring crash
Lets skip town then set it on fire
Lets put some flames to the Discount Tire
Roast some marshmallows on Paul Bunyans' beard
Then fondle his cattle till it makes him feel weird
Babe the Blue Ox was a mythical beast
So lets all eat her in a mythical feast
Pass the chittlins and fetus gravy
Sailing in a gravyboat like the meat-soaked Navy
Shootin peas and beans and green-type biz
Avoiding them vegtables like a virgin avoids jizz
Especially on the floor because it stains
Tug the shit off with rope and chains
Graham cracker shennatigans and a dog's red cock
This has been a story about my lost red sock
What is the metaphor? Where is the keyword?
It's all right there in the acoustic "Freebird"
But that song sucks, it's not even metal's
But sometimes we settles for less distortion pedals
Some Tiger's have down syndrome, look at that pic
I bet he eats fruit snacks and publically plays with his dick
Sometimes I hate myself more than Hitler hates Jews
When I don't think things through and see what it do's.
But that's just life, we live and we learn
It's like blending oil and water in a butter churn
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Alienated and Unforgiving, Last becomes First when the Dogs come Living
Alienated and unforgiving
Last becomes first when the dogs come living
Wanting satchel searching starve for the hunger of redemption
But looking at those reptile ashes is just too real to mention
Where was that man when wanted you to ride those trains of gravy
Not to be found was him in which green demons made him crazy
The eye is found in not the face but rather in the mind
Mountain slopes fuel shattered dreams cushioned by buds of kind
Channeling the Kurt Cobain is freeing at the time
But he is lost, and rock is dead, and I don't even have a "Dime"
Rivers flow on vodka proofs to further make us dumbing
Filthy bricks on raped landscapes is cause for greater numbing
Ripped and tattered human waste, hard hats and shit adornings
A rabbit howls into the night a consensus brutal warning
My realm is gone for now and ever, never to be redeemed
Dreams are dreams and hopes are dreams so I dream the real thing
Sewing closed the mouths to silence is no longer a pressing issue
I'm in your mouth, I'm puppeteering, no one will ever miss you
Ugly sounds and morbid visions haunting our housing mess
When last comes first and first comes last, the dogs will tear our flesh
--Tabor, October '08
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
That Tabor Guy's Top 50 Films of All-Time
(Above Picture: Donnie and Frank take Gretchen to the movies)
I have always intensely enjoyed movies. I think my earliest memory was going to see Return of the Jedi in the theatre when I was 3 years old. A great film can always touch a spiritual cord in me that I can't get from day-to-day life or even football for that matter. I usually avoid blockbusters. (Movies that are created for making money rather than being genuine or creative.) I tend to lean towards movies that hinge on symbolism, tragedy, and the human condition. Most of the great movies that fit into this group for me have been created within the last 15 years or so. So that means you aren't gonna see many classics, musicals, or dumbass comedies from the 80's. I hope my readers will give this list a chance and perhaps give you some rental ideas for a rainy day. I recently had to expand this list to 52 in order to make room for the new additions from 2008 (Gran Torino and Revolutionary Road)
1.
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
starring: Naomi Watts, Laura Haring, Justin Theroux
Darker than any horror movie even though it's a drama. Every scene is so tense we always know that something wicked is brewing even though it can't be seen. Naomi Watts owes her carreer to this film. This movie is part dream, part nightmare, but the events that take place in the real life section of the story are the darkest of all. Metaphors and symbolism are strewn throughout so multiple viewings are nesscessary to truly grasp its genius.
2.
No Country for Old Men (2007)
starring: Josh Brolin, Javier Bardem, Tommy Lee Jones
A perfect blend of dialoge, violence, and symbolism. There is no question why this film cleaned up at the 2007 Oscar's. Anton Chigurgh is easily the greatest villain in film history, and his cat and mouse chase with Josh Brolin is phenominal. Many are turned off by its abrupt ending but I applaud it for being so bold and true to the novel. The Coen Brothers have made it impossible to top themselves after this masterpiece.
3.
Munich (2005)
starring: Eric Bana, Daniel Craig
The true story of the 1972 Israeli Olympic team that was kidnapped and eventually executed at the hands of a terrorist group named Black September. The story follows the aftermath of a 5 man Israeli assassination squad to hunt and kill the Palestinean leaders responsible. We never really know whether the main characters are doing good deeds or bad...and neither do they. The duality of man is the focus. Speilbergs best work, and definately his most controversial.
4.
Donnie Darko (2001)
starring: Jake Gylenhal, Jena Malone, Maggie Gylenhal, Patrick Swayze
Hard to explain, but that's what makes it work. I still find new twists with every viewing. Is it about time travel? Maybe it's about death and what happens after we die. Either way, Jake Gylenhal's troubled teen Donnie keeps us intrigued, entertained, and guessing way after the credits are done rolling. Gotta love the cheesy 80's soundtrack too.
5.
Magnolia (1999)
starring: Tom Cruise, Julianne Moore, John C. Reilly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Maybe the best ensemble cast ever assembled. The kaliedescope of characters and their insecurites power this movie. Trenmendous performances by John C. Reilly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore, Tom Cruise, William H. Macy and basically everybody else involved. Paul Thomas Anderson first earned his noteriety for "Boogie Nights" and "There will be Blood" but "Magnolia" is the film that puts him in my highest regard.
6.
Pulp Fiction (1994)
starring: Bruce Willis, John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Samuel L. Jackson, Harvey Keitel
Stylish, gripping, sensual. An innovative masterwork from Quentin Tarantino. Filmakers still steal from this movie to this day. Perhaps the most influential movie of the last 20 years. A plot summary wouldn't do justice due to the fact that there are about 7 separate plots throughout the film.
7.
Bug (2007)
starring: Ashley Judd, Michael Shannon
Beautifully tragic. Desperation never felt more haunting. Odds are, if you didn't like this movie, then you didn't understand what it was really about. Meth addiction, codependant psychosis, and the clouded judgement that can occur when tragedy and lonliness are all that a person has left.
8.
American Beauty (1999)
starring: Kevin Spacey, Annette Benning, Chris Cooper, Thora Birch, Mena Suvari
"You're never too old to get it back" --Lester Burman. It's a great movie for people that find themselves in the rut of the daily grind. Also has a great sense of dark humor. I truly hope that director Sam Mendes is able to duplicate that type of suburban magic again. Winner of the Oscar for best picture in 1999 as well as many others.
9.
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
starring: Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Marlon Wayons
What would have been just another drug movie was directed flawlessly by Darren Aronofsky to bump it up to masterpiece status. Also shows the parrellels of illegal drugs and perscription meds in the fact they are equally dangerous if not moderated properly. I still think it's a crime that Gladiator beat this movie in the Oscar's for best picture in 2000.
10.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
starring: Marilyn Burns, Gunnar Hansen
The original 1974 version is the greatest and most terrifying horror movie in american film history. Insane, brutal, and disturbing. Anyone that thinks the remake was better should have their movie viewing privledges revoked. The sequels all sucked ass, it's better to remember the original 3 crazies from this first installment before Tobe Hooper shit all over his legacy.
11.
Blood Diamond (2006)
starring: Leonardo Dicaprio, Jennifer Connelly, Dimjon Honsou
Leonardo Dicaprio's character Danny Archer has to be one of my favorite characters in any film. There is enough action to keep the plot moving at a breakneck pace. Dont let the film's title mislead you, although blood diamond's are shown as being corrupt on a certain level. Even more unsettling is the use of Africa's children stolen from their homes at a young age and being forced to kill entire villages of innocents.
12. Gran Torino (2008)
starring: Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood stars and directed this ghetto masterpiece. So often movies that take place in ghettos focus on the gangsters but this film takes that idea and flips it. Showing instead a man that has lived in Detroit since the 1940's in a predominantly white neighborhood but over the years has been transformed into a mostly Asian neighborhood. Eastwood's Walt Kowalski is rascist and onery and he doesn't care who knows it. However he finds friendship and peace in his life from some very unlikely people and his transformation isn't over the top with sentiment but subtle and realistic.
13.
The Godfather (1972)
starring: Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, Robert Duvall, James Caan, Diane Keaton
Best mafia movie ever. Michael Corleone as the reluctant son and his eventual rise to power. One of the most complex and layered characters to ever be put onto film. Out of Francis F. Copolla's many masterpieces, this one stands out at the best. Other great performances by the always great Robert Duval, Marlon Brando, Diane Keaton, and James Caan.
14.
21 Grams (2003)
starring: Naomi Watts, Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro
Before Babel and after Amores Perros, Alejandro Innaritu peaked out with this out of sequence downer complete with a bravura performance by Naomi Watts who loses her husband and 2 little girls in one tragic accident.
15.
Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)
starring: Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, David Carradine, Michael Madsen, Sonny Chiba
Most critics seem to like vol. 2 more, but vol. 1 had so much more to offer. Better cinematography, anime sequences, more fighting, and great original songs by the RZA. Everything about this film is first rate. Quentin Tarantino proves he can do more than the typical american crime flicks with guns and switches gears seemlessly to swordplay with a great sense of Japanese feel.
16.
Casino (1995)
starring: Robert Deniro, Joe Peschi, Sharon Stone, Don Rickles, Frank Vincent
Not quite as critically acclaimed as the Scorcese film that came before it, "Goodfellas". Perhaps because Joe Pesci's character seems nearly identical in both films. But I promise if this movie came out before Goodfellas this is the one that would go down as a better acheivement in film. My personal favorite of Martin Scorcese, perhaps the greatest American director in history.
17.
The Big Lebowski (1998)
starring: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Julianne Moore, Steve Buschemi
Jeff Bridges slacker protagonist "The Dude" is one of the more memorable characters to ever grace the movie screen, not because he's a hero, more because of his loser qualities and indifference to everything. My favorite comedy by far!! Long live the Coen Brothers who consistantly prove they are more than a one trick pony and can do drama, action, comedy, or even the occasional arthouse flick.
18.
Juno (2007)
starring: Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, Olivia Thirlby
A unique and bubbly 16 year old girl played by Ellen Page has found out she's pregnant. All the baggage that comes with the pregnancy is explored through a modern viewpoint rather than the usual hellfire and brimstone approach. However, this films true power comes from the dialog and interaction between characters due to Diablo Cody's amazing screenplay. The soundtrack also creates a great atmosphere for the film.
19.
House of Sand and Fog (2003)
starring: Ben Kingsley, Jennifer Connelly
Depressing? Sure. But no movie better illustrates the price that can be paid when petty squabbles spiral out of control. Ben Kingsley and Jennifer Connelly have an unparalleled chemistry on screen as neither one will back down. They argue over who is the true owner of a small house in Pennsylvania. Tragedy insues, and it stays with you for a while especially because of Ben Kingsley's greatest performance to date, even better than his Oscar winning role in Ghandi.
20.
There Will Be Blood (2007)
starring: Daniel Day Lewis, Paul Dano
The most recent film from director Paul Thomas Anderson (Magnolia, Boogie Nights) is unlike any of his other films. It's dark and brooding both from the soundtrack and the ominous cinematography. The story focuses on an oil mogul that gets his start in the late 1800's named Daniel Plainview played flawlessly by the always spectacular Daniel Day Lewis. He draws the audience in with his underhanded politicking and desire to accumulate money no matter who he hurts or kills.
21.
Apocalypse Now (1979)
starring: Martin Sheen, Laurence Fishburne, Marlon Brando, Harrison Ford, Dennis Hopper
To me this was always more of a horror movie than a war movie. I think Copolla's point was to make war seem like horror. I've always thought Brando was ovverrated in this movie and Martin Sheen was overlooked. But the eery symbolism and madness captured by Francis Ford Copolla is what makes it a triumph.
22.
Se7en (1995)
starring: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gweneth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey
Best ending ever? Maybe. Plus ya gotta love the chemistry between hothead Brad Pitt and even-minded Morgan Freeman. The characters dominate the story so much that the plot seems secondary, and it's a hell of a plot. "What's in the box?"
23.
Grindhouse (2007)
starring: Rose McGowan, Kurt Russell, Freddy Rodriguez, Bruce Willis
A throwback to the exploitation double features from the 1970's that played in drive-thru movie theatres. Although it may not be fair to count this as one film considering it's actually 2 films with 5 trailers for false movies, I saw it at the theatre as one feature and I admit it was the most unique experience I've ever had at the cinema. I wasn't alive in the 70's but this feature made me feel like I had found a genuine time capsule.
24.
The Constant Gardener (2005)
starring: Rachel Weisz,
Politcally driven story with great characters. Rachel Weisz proves she's a force in Hollywood, picking up a best supporting actress trophy in the process. Perscription drug companies finally get exposed for some of their attrocities. Basically a pharmaseautical company is intentionaly infecting africans with strains of AIDS, Tuberculosus, as well as others and trying out their cures on them like lab rats so they can be FDA approved. The pace is slow, but effective.
25.
Raging Bull (1980)
starring: Robert Deniro, Joe Peschi, Frank Vincent
More than a boxing movie. Scorcese and Deniro team up once again to floor audiences with such a visceral portrait of Jake Lamotta that it leaves us breathless. A great fighter with more than his share of personal demons, Jake's life is a roller coaster ride that once it reaches its peak, begins to decline rapidly. One of the eeriest scenes in film history is when a 250+ pound Robert Deniro is reciting Marlon Brando's "contender" speech in front of a mirror, obviously punchdrunk.
26.
Halloween (2007)
starring: Sherri Moon Zombie, Danny Trejo, Daeg Faerch
This is the more recent Rob Zombie version. It pains me to put a remake onto this list because usually I'm anti-remake 100%, especially because I have such high regard for the original. But because Rob Zombie is a director that truly understands and loves horror films he doesn't disappoint. It sticks with the qualities that made the first so great but adding a back story of Michael as a child and his sessions in the asylum with a passion for making masks are magnificent.
27.
American History X (1998)
starring: Edward Norton, Edward Furlong, Charles S. Dutton
Few films have explored rascism in this depth. We have a chance to get inside the characters and see the perspective from every possible angle. Edward Norton shows us why he is a skinhead and speaks with such conviction that you start to feel for his cause. But in the 2nd half of the movie he moves us with equal passion back to tolerance and loving your neighbor. The ironic ending is tragic, however not necessary to get the point across.
28.
Lucky # Slevin (2006)
starring: Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu, Bruce Willis, Ben Kingsley, Morgan Freeman, Stanley Tucci
Josh Hartnett plays Slevin Kelevra, a sharp tongued fella that seems to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is being pulled in 2 seperate directions by the citiy's 2 biggest crime lords, one played by Morgan Freeman the other Ben Kingsley. Complete with a brutal and brilliant twist ending. Josh Hartnett proves he's more than a pretty boy and the depth of his character's smart-ass nature is contrasted toward the end with perfect malice.
29.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Alan Rickman, Richard Harris, Rupert Grint
Saw this movie before I read any of the books...I've been a "Pott-head ever since" Goblet of Fire is my favorite of the books, but the first movie installment is the most loyal. So far this is the only film on my list not rated R...weird? A great leadoff movie for one of the highest grossing franchises in history, by the time the 7th film comes out, my guess is that only the Star Wars 2 trilogies combined will have grossed more.
30.
Traffic (2000)
starring: Benicio Del Toro, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta Jones, Don Cheadle, Erika Christensen
The line of politics and family life are blurred in this dismal portrayal of the drug war. We are left feeling hopeless and more confused about what needs to be done about drugs in America, as well as the corrupt Mexican Drug Cartel but still eyeopening nonetheless. Traffic has an amazing ensemble cast featuring Benicio Del Toro, Don Cheadle, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and a breakout role for the young and talented Erica Christensen...who seems to have dropped off the map as of late
31.
The Departed (2006)
starring: Leonardo Dicaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Vera Farmiga.
Finally Scorcese gets his long deserved Best Picture and Best Director academy awards after being nominated what seems like every film he's done in the last 40 years. This movie is great, but it's not higher on my list strictly because it's a remake of a Japanese film called "Infernal Affairs". Therefore the creativity is second hand. But the plot is cool. A cop posing as a mobster vs. a mobster posing as a cop. The pace never relents.
32.
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
starring: Steve Buschemi, Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen
Quentin Tarantino's first and grittiest film. It's currently ranked the #1 Indie film of all time by most lists. Doesn't offer the same humor filled violence of his other films. This one is realistic, brutal, sadistic, and doesn't seem to stop being so until everyone is dead. Steve Buschemi and Harvey Keitel both provide their best roles to date.
33.
Revolutionary Road (2008)
Starring: Leonardo Dicaprio, Kate Winslet, Michael Shannon, Kathy Bates
Fans of marriage should steer clear of this one. The story centers on a young couple in the 1950's trying to be the perfect American family. They buy a house in a nice neighborhood with a picket fence and everything. They have two children but it doesn't take the audience too long to discover that their lives are merely a facade. Tremendous performances by Winslet, Dicaprio, and Shannon fuel this heart wrenching tale of people who get trapped in the rut of 50's culture when things like divorce, abortion, and mental disorders are judged with extreme predjudice. The director of this film, Sam Mendes (American Beauty) was criticized for this film for reasons I don't understand. Apparantly it wasn't subtle enough, but I thought the ferocious and passionate hatred the characters had for one another was the best part about it.
34.
Halloween (1978)
starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasence
Probably the best slasher film of all time. A definate "cut" above the Friday the 13th series. Most people are still creeped out when they hear the soundtrack some 20+ years later. Not to mention the Captain Kirk mask spay painted white of the expressionless Michael Myers. Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis is the type of protagonist that every horror movie could use.
35.
Braveheart (1995)
starring: Mel Gibson, Brendan Gleeson
Yeah, it's official Mel Gibson is friggin' crazy! Has anyone ever noticed how every single movie he's directed has included some extremely depraved torture sequences? Nonetheless he's pretty good at his craft and the Oscar he won for Best Picture on this film is well deserved. Who cares how historically accurate it is? It keeps you enthralled for every second of the 3 hour feature.
36.
The Godfather Part II (1974)
starring: Al Pacino, Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, Abe Vagoda
Considered by many better than the original. Possibly the greatest sequel ever made but still not better than the original in my opinion. Jumps from the 1930's with Al Pacino as the top dog in the criminal underground as well as flashbacks of his father making a name for himself in Sicily and his eventual trek to America. Michael having no choice but to kill his dim-witted brother Fredo is one of the most tragic events in film history.
37.
A History of Violence (2005)
Starring: Viggo Mortenson, Ed Harris, Maria Bello
Viggo Mortenson landed a great role for displaying he has range by literally changing his persona right before our eyes. In the beginning, his character is a mild mannered owner of a diner but as his past catches up with him and he accidently tastes blood again by saving a woman from killers we see him morph back into his former self leaving his family terrified of the man they thought they knew.
38.
Taxi Driver (1976)
starring: Robert Deniro, Harvey Keitel, Cybal Sheppard, Jodie Foster
Not too many films can influence a presidential assassination but this Scorcese movie was the the catalyst for John Hinkley's bullet into Ronald Reagan. Robert Deniro gives such a great performance of a guy that has been shit on by life, one too many times finally culminating in a bloody rampage across New York leaving pimps dead, politicians dead, and Deniro just plain crazy, covered in blood, and with a shaved head.
39.
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
starring: Mark Hammill, Harrison Ford, Frank Oz, Carrie Fisher
The diamond of the 6 Star Wars films. We meet Yoda, We find out Luke is Vader's son, The Hoth battle is phenominal and best of all NO FUCKING EWOKS. Apparantley I went to the theatre to see this when it first came out, unfortunatley I couldn't see it because I was inside my mom's womb.
40.
Thirteen (2003)
starring: Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed, Holly Hunter
Evan Rachel Wood breaks out in a big way in this unsettling tale of teen angst and the price of popularity. The range of her character is so wide. She starts off as a loving daughter and good student. But quickly descends into a monster that her mother and brother dont even recognize. She shoplifts, picks pockets, does drugs, sells drugs, has unprotected sex, and when she gets really depressed, she cuts herself .The fact that it's the true to life tale of co-star Nikki Reed adds to it's power
41.
In the Bedroom (2001)
starring: Tom Wilkenson, Sissy Spacek, Nick Stahl, Marisa Tomei
Nick Stahl plays a high school senior that falls in love with a divorcee played by Marisa Tomei. She has a child and an unstable ex-husband. When tragedy strikes and Stahl is killed, his parents are left coping with the loss of their only child. Sissy Spacek and Tom Wilkinson are so believeable in their roles you can't help but shed some tears. The ending is rather shocking for a slower movie like this, but it feels completely natural. It's the only way the audience wouldn't have felt jipped.
42.
Any Given Sunday (1999)
starring: Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Jamie Foxx, Lawrence Taylor, Dennis Quaid
I'm a huge fan of football, but normally I hate sports movies because they focus more on personal life than the sport itself. However this film focuses almost entirley on football. Even when we see the personal lives of the football players the story still seems to linger about the game itself. Al Pacino as the head coach is great, plus this was the breakout role for the future Best Actor winner, Jamie Foxx as the talented yet disillusioned starting QB that goes from 3rd string to starter.
43.
Being John Malkovich (1999)
starring: John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Joan Cusack, John Malkovich, Catherine Keener
Charlie Kaufman is known for his overly strange screenplays and this one probably stands out as his strangest. John Cusack finds a portal in his office that lets him see life through the eyes of John Malkovich. It's like a drug and the more people he tells about it the more they want to stay inside Malkovich to escape their own boring lives. John Cusack's character is a puppeteer and after he realizes his only chance with the woman he loves is through Malkovich, he takes his body over with mixed results.
44.
Boogie Nights (1997)
starring: Mark Wahlberg, Julianne Moore, Burt Reynolds, John C. Reilly, Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Paul Thomas Anderson's first film. Mark Walberg gets his breakout role as a shy teenage kid that is recruited by the ultimate porn producer of the 70's played by Burt Reynolds. It's fun and fresh and never loses its true message of how empty and shallow the life of the pornstar truly is.
45.
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
starring: Nick Cage, Elizebeth Shue
Nicolas Cage is a goofball, and usually he just picks any piece of shit script that comes to his house. But this particular role had me actually believing in him as an actor. He plays a man who is a hardcore alcoholic that decides to empty his saving account, move into a hotel in Vegas and proceed to drink himself to death. While there he befriends a prostitute played by Elizebeth Shue and continues to break our hearts with his own self destruction. Very Powerful film.
46.
Schindler's List (1993)
starring Liam Neeson,
Speilberg's holocaust epic that won him an Oscar. A man who is so unnerved by the Nazi's genocide that he risks his life and huge sums of money to get Jews out of the death camps and into a factory where they can be treated as humans again. Liam Neeson's performance is a tour de force, especially toward the end of the movie.
47.
Psycho (1960)
starring: Anthony Perkins
Considered by nearly every critic over 55 years old this is the greatest horror movie of all time. This film set the bar in the psychological horror rather than the saturarted market of monster films at the time. Thank you Alfred Hitchcock, every great horror movie of my lifetime has borrowed something from this film.
48.
Apocalypto (2006)
starring: a bunch of tribesman
Another Mel Gibson work. This film didn't get seen by many people because it came out less than a few months after Mel Gibson's anti-semetic drunken ramblings. But make no mistake, this was one of the top 5 films of 2006. Nevermind the subtitles and unfamiliar subject matter. A great history lesson of the Mayan culture and its downfall.
49.
Lord of War (2005)
starring: Nick Cage, Jared Leto
Nicolas Cage might not have been my first choice for the role of Yuri, but it seems to work for the most part. Arms dealers are exposed as well as the US government and their role of helping 3rd world countries continue their genocides. Once again Africa seems to be the main victim.
50.
Clerks (1994)
starring: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith
Renegade filmaker Kevin Smith threw together this indie circuit gem for next to no money at all. Black and White cameras, no name actors, and absolutely no special effects made this a marvel in profit margin. In the process of making money, it also is one of the greatest cult classics of the 90's. The acting isn't that great but the conversations between Dante and Randall are some of the most shockingly funny conversations that true nerds as well as well as cool kids could all find the brilliance in.
51.
My Life Without Me (2002)
starring: Sarah Polley, Scott Speedman
Sarah Polley shines in this touching portrail of a woman who has never really lived her life for herself. Living in a trailer with 2 kids and a husband that spends more time unemployed than working, she gets a drastic change in the form of tragedy. After being diagnosed with a terminal illness she is told that she only has 2 months to live.She decides not to tell anyone, but rather make a list of things she wants to do before dying finally discovering a lust for life that she has never known. It's the best role for an actress I've ever seen.
52.
Memento (2001)
starring: Guy Pierce, Joe Pantaliano
Quentin Tarantino perfected the "out-of-sequence" storytelling with movies like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction, but even he had to be in awe of Christopher Nolan's genius of filming the entire story backwards (the first scene of the film is actually the last event chronologically) The only way he is able to keep the audience guessing is to give the main character a rare type of amnesia that prevents him from remembering anything more than the last 5 minutes.
Derf Nosferatu
A poem I wrote about a handicapped vampire.
You thought you knew vampires, well look again
Derf Nosferatu always trips,and lands on his chin
Got punched in the ear, and blew out his drum
Equilibrium lost, and his feet went numb.
Since he's already dead, there's no chance of it healing
So he breaks into Red Cross and resorts to some stealing.
But more times than not, he stumbles and crashes
And gets beat the fuck down by anti-vampire fascists.
No one takes him serious enough for a stake through the heart
Just a few facial kicks and some jabs with a dart.
He used to be the "Alpha" in Transylvania
But he now gets less respect than the 2nd Wrestlemania.
He has avoided mild pains by dressing in Nerf
This stumbling has-been that all know as Derf.
To "derf" means to fall and land on your face
Just run away from him he wont try to chase
He fears humiliation more than he fears death
And if he were to run he'd look like a retard on meth.
He opts to sit in his castle to keep people from knowin'
Jacking off to pictures of the "goth queen" Rose Mcgowan.
He eats rats and bats and whatever he can trap.
Compared to human blood it all tastes like crap.
He keeps holding out for scientific advances.
So he can flirt with some jailbait at middle school dances.
But he'll never be badass, he'll never be scary
Just a dumbshit vampire, who acts like a fairy.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Birds of the Apocalypse chapters 1-4
Chapter 1: The intro
There once was a house tucked deep into the woods in a quiet Michigan township. This house was cozy and warm. In it, lived a man always dressed in orange, the woman with the terrible voice, a little bastard of a 12 year old son, and a big-ass fuckin’ dog named Ulrich. A bunch of the same type of horseshit happened around this house as any fucking house in the area. A whole lot of sitting around watching tv, making dinner, internet surfing, blah, blah, blah. Luckily for you assbags, this story isn’t about the fucking people sitting around with their thumbs in their rectums, it’s about all the events and characters that populated the property on the other side of the window glass. The woodland and barn-dwelling fucks. There were fat ass squirrels, horny cardinals, extremely douchey morning doves, some bloodthirsty cats, there were also many other fucking animals too but you’ll just have to read the fucking story to find out what they were bitch!! However the true heart of the story focuses on a crew of Blue Jays in the area that thought that they owned the neighborhood. Of course they didn’t really own the area but if you heard how much they talked shit to everyone else you’d think they did.
The first of these blue jays was Archibald. He was the smartest of the lot, and the oldest. He was 4 years old and he was being groomed to be the king in his first 3 ½ years of fucking life before tragedy befell his father. His parents had just flown south a few months prior to escape the hatin'-ass-haters. Archibald's dad was called Archie Sr. and he used to run the tree line for years. However, after a very nasty incident last winter, when it was so cold during the night that Archie Sr. woke up and his ballsack was frozen to the tree branch he was sleeping on. He didn’t realize that he was stuck until he tried to fly down to get some breakfast, when he elevated himself off the branch all the feathers on his scrote were ripped off exposing his frostbit nuts for the whole neighborhood to see. It was a tragic event for the whole family. Archie Sr. went from being the most respected animal in the neighborhood to being a laughing stock of all the animals, even the dumb shit morning doves laughed even though they were probably too retarded to even know why they were laughing. This sent Archie Sr, into a degree of exile, and the following spring he and his wife packed up their shit and decided to fly south for retirement hoping that the southern birds would be more compassionate than the dickheads that he was surrounded by in Michigan. Before he left he told Archibald the he was now the ruler of the tree line and if any of the other birds got out of line it would be his responsibility to enforce the standard blue jay rules that usually apply in such situations. Archibald nodded and vowed to keep the blue jays in a position of power or die trying. Even though he knew that his family wasn't necessarily the royal line anymore.
Archibald wasn’t as strong as his father physically, but he was infinitely smarter, this was something he had known for quite a while after seeing his father eat about 2 lbs of pink insulation in the pole barn on a bet. His father almost died from shitting shards of fiberglass out for about a month as it tore the fuck out of his stomach and intestines. Then when it was over, he planned to eat more just to prove he was still tough. Luckily Archibald was able to talk him out of it before he repeated the bonehead task. Archibald knew that being powerful wasn’t to surround yourself with “yes men” and cronies that slob your knob all day. Just because they were more abundant and easy to manipulate didn’t mean that they were the answer to a fast track to power. His father had rows and columns full of chickadees, finches, morning doves, and cardinals at his command, among other fucks. But when it all came down to it these birds weren’t good for much in maintaining a degree of rule. The chickadees were good for surveillance missions because they were so small. Many blue jays improved their aerial moves by training with Jonesy the daredevil hummingbird. He was great at showing the blue jays how to angle their wings to take corners sharper, and improve their in-flight agility. All he asked in return was for the student to carry some nectar-rich flowers into his sleeping quarters so he didn’t have to go out for breakfast in the morning. His little bitch beak couldn’t carry anything for shit so the service was well worth giving flying lessons to some birds that would have beat his ass anyway if he didn’t do it otherwise. But other than that, the cardinals weren’t really worth much outside of their sex stories. They were the resident hornballs, always telling stories about some chick they railed the night before. Most the time the cardinals were full of shit because they were monogamous and pussy-whipped queeftards, but they had a way of degrading females enough that it gave the crew a sense of male commrodery. But seriously, every male in the bird kingdom wanted to shag a female cardinal at least once before they died so the Cardinals didn't get their balls busted as much as they should have. The Morning Doves were worthless as a bucket of poison shit. They were tubby bitches that spent their time stuffing their fat fuck faces, and complaining about the stupidest shit. If they were ever asked to do anything they’d either make up an excuse of why they couldn't, or say they’d do it, but then forget. I guess you can say that they were the neighborhood’s crackheads or welfare recipients, always wanting a handout but not willing to do anything in return. Archibald’s dad kept them around for one reason only, and that was to be the shield between the blue jays and the barn cats. If given the choice the cat would always go after a dove first simply because they were fatter, slower, dumber, docile, and pretty gay in all aspects of life. After the tubby bitch was snagged by the vicious feline, the Blue Jays were given ample time to reach safety. The squirrels were different. They were the wild cards of the woodlands. Every now and again you’d have some squirrels working with the Jays for the common good. Other times you’d find a fat bastard going it solo and pushing all the others around like the O’Doyle family from Billy Madison. These guys were probably even more of a problem for the Blue jays than the cats, simply because they hogged down all the food at the bird feeder which was the tastiest and easiest source of food in the area. Boris the Brown squirrel was the most feared of the wild animals in the area, and he sat in that birdfeeder for hours gobbling down corn and challenging everyone to a fight. Even the cats dared not mess with him. His ass was as wide as a fucking Jersey Giant Sub sandwich. His eyes were narrow and black. He moved extremely well for a beast of his size. He also kept in fighting condition by doing constant chin ups in his den as well as keeping his claws sharpened like needles and filing his teeth into points with stones to keep then sharp and ready to impale some bitches if shit jumped off.
Upon his father’s absence the community never gave Archibald much respect. Even though he was next in line to be ruler, he was never granted the title of King. The members of the Primeline just roared with laughter about his dad’s torn nutsack and how the sins of the father trickle down to the son. Jonsey the hummingbird bird said “You are destined to inherit your father’s baggage. Archibald. You were going to inherit his kingdom but upon the scrote incident, you have inherited his shame instead. I move that we install a 12 man council in place of our Monarchy and see how that works out. The Blue jays have had their day, I say we smaller birds finally have a voice too!!” Roars of “Here, Here!!” reverberated throughout the Primeline. “Wait you little fuck!!” said Archibald as he lunged at the pussy-ass hummingbird with his talons ready for blood. Jonesy easily out-maneuvered Archibald and fled to a higher branch. “You can’t just overthrow the past 30 years of the Royal line because my father’s balls froze to a tree branch!!” “You’ll still be given a spot on the council” said a Wren named David. “A council ruled by the weak is less effective than outright anarchy. I mean rules and prosperity are still important to you right? asked Archibald. Boris the giant squirrel made his presence known and spoke “The Blue jay is right, there will be no thriving in our community when chickadees and morning doves are rulers. Blue jays are the only birds around here that have a built in sense of territory, and those crazy fucks will defend it or die trying.” Look how many Jays we lost to Talon and Tyranus’ claws because they were the only animals around here with balls enough to take the fight to them.” As he said this he pointed toward the memorial wall of residents that were brave enough to sacrifice their lives to keep the cats from the polebarn at bay, 90% of which were Blue Jays. “They are reckless birds, they are members of the crow family and their ways have cost more lives than they’ve saved!!” shouted some whiny little vagina in a Finches body. The smaller birds all agreed with him, not because he was speaking facts, but more because they were excited to finally have a voice in the Primeline. So agreeing with him automatically sapped power from the Blue Jays. “Then so be it.” said Archibald, we'll try this council idea on for size but when shit falls apart, don't come crying to me. With that he exited his father's throne room and began plotting his next move.
Chapter 2
(This chapter is a fucking prequel to chapter 1. Don’t read this shit if your mind can’t comprehend that idea. I’m gonna pull a Tarantino move on you chodes and do some out-of-sequence storytelling. This is a fucking flashback to paint you a picture of the early years of Dirk and Dale and the brutal fucking tragedy that occurred in their childhood. You'll also get to know their alcoholic father, Earl the Drunkard)
Earl was a friend of Archie Sr. in fact, Archie Sr. probably did more to raise the kids into adolescence than Earl could have ever managed. The nest that Dale and Dirk grew up in was on a completely different tree line than the one Archibald grew up on. It overlooked a tavern in the woods. Actually the tavern was the only thing keeping them there, because their nest was a piece of shit…literally. It was made of dog shit and some straw because Earl was too lazy and drunk all the time to build a proper nest for his family. Apparently the owner of the tavern was a bird watcher of sorts and a fellow drunkard so when he saw Earl out on the patio drinking out of the half empty glasses of beer and mixed drinks he decided to make it easy on the local birds to get a buzz on, so he bought some cheap-ass bird bath made out of plastic or some type of polymer shit and filled it up daily with cheap beer that tasted like feet mixed with butt hole. But Earl didn’t care, the taste wasn’t as important as the effect and the effect was magical. Earl would spend hours at the birdbath sucking down piss-warm flat beer that became stale in the sunlight. One day he even got lucky. A female blue jay moseyed into the area looking for a drink of water. After seeing Earl take gulp after gulp with no lethal effects she decided the water was safe to drink even though the smell didn’t match the water she was used to. After a few big drinks she was on the moon with liquid stupidity coursing through her veins. Her and Earl stayed up until the wee hours of the night singing songs about morning doves and why they’re so lame. When they woke up the following morning she was pregnant and covered in the dog shit that made up the bulk of Earl’s home. She was ashamed of herself when she woke up and saw what a sloppy chode Earl was. But seeing how there are no abortion clinics for Blue Jays she knew she had to follow her natural instincts and hang out until she squeezed out the eggs, after that, she decided, they were gonna be Earl’s problem.
Earl was a good enough guy, he wanted to make the relationship work because this bitch was hot as fuck and he knew that all his friends would jack off to her at least once per day after they saw how fine she was, garnering Earl much high fives and ego stroking. But he had to wait until after she laid the eggs because nobody wants to show off a girlfriend that’s preggers. Plus the girlfriend had kind of an ego too. She didn’t want anyone to see her with Earl because he was such a loser. She couldn’t very well invite her friends over to eat seeds in their dog shit apartment that overlooked a decrepit tavern. So the next few weeks were spent in uncomfortable silence with Earl occasionally doing something nice for her and she would just roll her eyes or make some shitty comment about Earl being a fucknut. When the eggs were finally laid she took off and never came back just as she planned. Earl saw her fly away and tried to follow but ran into a tree in pursuit because he was drunk as shit, about .25 BAC drunk. (3 times the legal flying limit.) After he shook off the cobwebs he sauntered up to the nest and saw 5 multi-colored eggs lying in his dog shit home.
Earl was overcome with both anger and sense of purpose. Two things that he usually tried to avoid more than he tried to avoid one of those salvation army queefs that stand in front of stores near Christmas time asking for money like bum-ass douche nozzles. So Earl sat and he sat and he sat on the same 5 bullshit eggs forever it seemed like. After 10 days he started to lose his shit. He started shaking and lusting for his beer. He was so pissed at his primal instincts for not letting him leave the nest for a few gulps of liquid gold. Every time he tried to stand up, his legs were pulled back down forcing him to tea-bag the eggs until the fucking cows came home. Luckily for Earl his fortunes were about to change. “Hey guy, you pullin' wife-duty holmes?” asked a cardinal a few branches over startling Earl. “Oh thank God!” responded Earl obviously thrilled that someone could finally go on a beer run for him. “Hey douchebag” said Earl, “how about your little fairy-ass goes and gets me some beer from over there?” and he pointed toward the birdbath. The cardinal was a bit taken aback by the Blue Jays’ dick-faced nature. “I don't know who you think you are chico to be talking to a member of the Playboys like that” responded the Cardinal. Earl had no idea who the fucking Playboys were, but it did remind him how sexually voracious cardinals were. Seriously, who other than a fucking Cardinal would actually think “Playboys” was a cool name? “Hey man, I'm seriously sorry.” said Earl “I'm just so parched right now, plus my whore girlfriend laid these bastards and bailed on them even worse than Britney Spears bailed on her self respect.” and he pointed toward the 5 eggs. The cardinal stared at the eggs as Earl spoke. “I have 5 eggs here, one of them is bound to be a female, as soon as she reaches sexual maturity I'll give you first crack at her vaj. Of course, Earl had no plan on giving his daughter to the cardinal, but he could tell that he peaked the cardinals' interest. “OK” said the cardinal “that sounds good, but I have some questions.” And with that, the cardinal flew over to Earl's nest and puffed his chest out like he was a fuckin Don Juan crossed with Tony Orlando, it wasn’t very intimidating at all. In fact, it was probably about as threatening as being fronted on by Richard Simmons. He glared deep into Earl's face and said “Look here chico, I know that all you Jays think that Cardinals are pussies, in fact, I think that one of you Jays even wrote a song about it called “All cardinals are pussies, if you disagree, fuck a tree.” “Yeah that sounds like a song we'd write, sorry.” replied Earl as he stifled a laugh. “Is your house made of shit?” asked the cardinal. “Yeah only the highest quality dog shit for me and my kids, you should try it.” The cardinal laughed and said “Yeah maybe I'll try it when all the fucking mud is gone... But anyway, Here's my questions, What do you ask that I do for you, to grant me your daughter's virginity?” Earl looked at him and said “Bring me steady beer until these fucking eggs hatch!!” “How do you propose I do this?” asked the cardinal. Earl sat up for a minute and searched the yard for containers. “There!!” he exclaimed, those cracked acorn shells, fill them up in the birdbath and bring them back to me full of fucking booze to pour down my face.” The cardinal searched the yard and found what Earl had pointed out. “OK” said the cardinal you have a deal...by the way my name is Kevin, I'm the leader of the Playboys I came here searching for a new location to set up shop and take over. “Hello Kevin, I'm Earl, I hope that you can keep up with my appetite, it's that of a pregnant alcoholic I feel like I am drinking for 2 people”. “Don't worry, we Playboys always make good on our promises”, and with that Kevin flew down to the birdbath with 2 acorn shells in foot. Earl appreciated the grace that Kevin utilized while scooping his beer. Kevin dipped them into the Golden bath that Earl loved, and flew them back up to Earl without spilling a drop. Earl sucked down the ale with 2 big sips per acorn. It was after this gesture that Kevin realized that he was in for a long 7 days. Kevin kept grabbing acorn shells of booze and Earl kept pounding them like water. He started getting vocal towards Kevin saying things like, “Hey you bubba goo bum chuda chatta” and the classic drunkard quote; “I think doo bam chiddle ba-ding-dap.” It apparently made sense at the time, but Earl was definitely back into drunkard form, what with all the jibberish-speak and unproven insults. Earl had even accused Kevin of killing JFK even though Kevin was born 30 years after JFK's assassination. Kevin didn’t pay much mind to Earl he was focused 100% on the sex promised to him. Earl the drunk was enjoying his surroundings. He sat back and enjoyed the cool wind blowing the crest on the top of his head as the world spun underneath him. He was experiencing such a great body-buzz that he leaned back a little too far in his nest and accidentally knocked 3 of the 5 eggs onto the ground splattering in unison. He was hammered but he knew that he fucked up...Bad!! He sat in silence for a handful of seconds sighing, wincing, and acting like nothing happened. But after the original shock, he flew down to the cracked eggs to see if the were salvageable. The answer is: No They Are Not! 3 of Earls 5 kids are dead because Earl was so drunk that he killed them in egg form and punted their shit like a football holmes!!. Kevin flew back up to the dog shit nest “Hey fucker, you better not have killed my bitch”. Earl stared daggers into that bullshit cardinal named Kevin, but Kev kept on shooting off at the mouth like Joan Rivers at a local carnival. He was telling Earl that one of those two kids better be female otherwise he was gonna sodomize the two sons. And guess what?? The eggs just hatched you Queef-Von-Chodes. Obviously I foreshadowed they were gonna be boys, and they were named Dirk and Dale. Kevin took one look at them and smiled...he smiled evilly. Or as close to a smile that could be mustered with a fucking beak. I'm mean seriously, how can a beaked-bitch smile or express facial happiness? Maybe it's all about the crest being high or low. Jays and Cards both have crests on their crowns and use that shit as if it were cleavage, sending out buckets of sexual energy for the opposing sex. But Kevin was definitely sporting some type of cruel demeanor as he floated away with that pedophile grin. As Kevin flew away he said "Remember what I said about the Playboys, we always make good on our promises." Dale and Dirk approached Earl and asked if he was their daddy. Earl froze up, he felt like he was in a shit sundae covered in piss-nets. “Yeah” said Earl to the kids, “I boinked your mom, so I guess that makes me your Pappy-Smear for the time being.” The kids looked at Earl and went fuckin' nuts. “Yayyy!! We've got our shitbag father. Fuck all you orphans, all you orphans can suck our scrote!!” exclaimed Dale and Dirk. They were full of piss and vinegar and they wanted blood constantly. They wanted to firebomb foster kids and poke adopted kids with shards of glass. They seemed to adapt to street life and having an alcoholic father to grow up with gave them their fair share of freedom and access to booze and alcohol. But they avoided that even though their genes were pre-wired to addiction. Finally after they had kicked their dad in the dick for the 20th time he decided it was time to fly to the other side of the forest and enlist the help of his childhood pal Archie Sr. to help him with his heathen children.
Earl intentionally stayed sober for the first time in his miserable life because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to find his way back home from Archie’s otherwise. Before he left he said to his sons “Look here you little pricks, you don’t like me and I hate your fucking guts in return, but I swear to the bird form of Jesus if you dicks try to leave the nest or pull some type of hinjinx I will lose my shit and superglue your beaks shut until you die of hunger.” Dirk sat up and said, “I’d like to see you try it you hideous failure of a bird.” And with that Earl left the nest and started on his trek to Archie’s but stopped after getting a few yards away from his kids. He knew it wasn’t safe to leave them there but that wasn’t the reason he turned around. He dive-bombed the bird nest and took an extremely messy shit as he passed over Dirk, leaving Dirk’s right eye stinging with fecal matter. “I’m still the master!!” laughed Earl as he flew away.
The path was less dense than Earl had remembered it. More and more houses were being built in the forest and Earl was actually sober enough to comprehend what a horror this was to his habitat. As Earl flew over construction crews he cussed them out like the master of profanity that he was. Some of the humans looked up at Earl asking each other “What’s wrong with that fucking bird?” Earl was infinitely sad that he left his last turd at home. He would have much rather shit down one of the humans gaping mouths than teach his kid a lesson that probably would just bring upon more retaliation.
After flying for about 10 minutes Earl had arrived at his destination. He was flying from nest to nest looking for his old chum. He arrived at a tree with a large cove dug out in the trunk as he peered in to find Archie Sr. he was met with a booming voice “Halt!, don’t move you little queer.” There wasn’t much in the area that could scare Earl but when he saw the 10 lb. Brown Squirrel Boris totter out of his den, Earl had to take a few steps back. Boris was as large as a groundhog with light brown fur over most of his body but his eyes had black around them giving him a most menacing demeanor. “Holy shit, you sure are a fat fuck!” said Earl. Boris stood up on his hind legs and started flexing his arms. “Does this look like fat to you? He asked as he pointed to his biceps and washboard abs” “I guess not” Earl was forced to reply. “How did you get so buff?” “I need to be strong, stronger than the cats if I want to survive. Those cats killed both my parents and I’m gonna stomp their shit after I get to my ideal weight and desired power. Replied Boris. “But first, I need some practice!” and with that Boris lunged at Earl and punched him right in the stomach. Causing Earl to throw up foamy beer vomit all over Boris’ feet. Boris glared at Earl for a moment. “You smelly bitch, did you just puke on my feet?” Earl looked down and laughed, “Yeah I guess I did, you fascist.” As Boris wound up for another power punch he stopped short and smelled the aroma of the barf. “Is that beer?” he inquired. “Yes indeed” replied Earl. “Where did you get it?” “Ha, well I guess maybe I’d tell you if you weren’t such a cockmunch.” “But everybody knows to stay off my tree. If I didn’t make an example of you, the others would think I’m getting soft. pleaded Boris. "Then I’d have to deal with all sorts of douchey morning doves shitting in my living quarters and being first class queefs when I’m trying to sleep.” Earl looked around and saw the whole community staring at him and Boris. Earl sympathized with Boris, he knew what a waste of space the morning doves were and he wouldn’t wish their kind on anyone. “Alright man, you can follow me back home after I talk to Archie Sr. The beer is right by my nest. However, I will expect a favor from you when the time comes.” proclaimed Earl as he fixed his gaze on the monstrous squirrel. “Agreed” nodded Boris.
Just then a voice piped up from down on the lawn. “I thought I smelled pussy! I should have known it was my old drunken cock of a best friend Earl of the Beer Treeline.” Earl recognized the voice of Archie and flew down to greet him. “What’s up homo? Looks like the winter was kind to you.” said Earl. Archie struck a pose, and said “Well somebody’s gotta reflect the image that Blue Jays are still the kings around here, we can’t all drink our lives away and live in dog shit.” “Fair enough” replied Earl somewhat ashamed at his own misfortune. Archie clapped him on the back, “I’m just bustin’ your balls old friend, in many ways I actually envy your care free lifestyle…but it’s not exactly carefree anymore is it?” “Who told you that?” Earl asked. “A little bird” replied Archie. Earl looked around at the many chickadees and finches that may have been spying on him for god knows how long. “You have me on surveillance?” Earl inquired. Archie took a deep sigh and searched for the words he was looking for. “Earl, ever since you left this place to go drink your ass off until you died, I’ve been keeping an eye on you from afar. That way if you passed out in the birdbath we could keep you from drowning. If you fell out of a tree we could bring you to a place to heal before the predators got a hold of you. I had sentinels in place that could help you out of any situation because I love you like a brother. And now, I hear you have the task of being responsible for 2 sons. “ “It was supposed to be 5” sulked Earl as he looked down at his feet. “Yeah I heard about that too. But accidents happen; to be honest I was proud that you stuck with those eggs the way you did. Most male Blue jays would just say “Fuck it!” and leave the eggs for the predators, but you stuck close and never left them.” “That’s only because my instincts prevented me from doing what I wanted to do.” Replied Earl. “Well that proves that you were truly meant to be father and you need to stop being so down on yourself all the time, and give those kids the life that your father never gave you.” “Fuckin’-A Archie, you’re right. I’m gonna be ok and I’m gonna do the things I need to do for my sons to make sure nothing happens to them. Do you want to come over and meet them?” Earl asked Archie. “Sure buddy, let me go get my permission slip signed from my wife, maybe I’ll bring my boy with me if he wants to stretch his wings a bit.” And with that Archie flew up to the most elaborate tree on the whole Treeline. There was corn and sunflower seeds being delivered to his front door as a sign of respect.
Earl remembered back when he was the stronger of he and Archie. Archie was always his little sidekick, but now times had changed so much. Archie was a god amongst mortals, and Earl was a forgotten has-been bent on self-destruction. He often wondered what his life might have been without discovering alcohol, would he be happier, sadder, richer, dead? He was a wise enough Blue Jay to realize such questions only lead to more questions but no fucking answers. So he went to back to Boris’ den. “Hey man, are you ready to get hammered?” shouted Earl into the den like wild banshee. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute, let yourself in.” said Boris speaking from a chamber of the tree that Earl couldn’t see. Earl walked through Boris’ den admiring the many make-shift exercise machines that Boris had built from rock, twigs, plants, and leaves. “You’re quite the buildsmith Boris, this stuff is amazing.” He also couldn’t help but notice the names etched on the walls accompanied with shitty drawings that Earl could only assume were supposed to be cats. The names were. Talon, Malice, Bane, and there was a name Tyranus that was scratched out. “Who’s Tyranus?” Earl asked. There was a long pause and Boris came into the room blinking his right eye extremely fast and rubbing it, then he looked at Earl. Earl a bit taken aback paused, “Don’t worry it’s just some eye drops I’ve been using, they burn like a bastard” Earl gave Boris a once over and shrugged his shoulders. As Boris continued to rub his irritated eyes he began to speak. “Tyranus was the meanest of all the barn cats. Once upon a time he used to be allowed inside the human's house. The humans named him Zeke. He used to just lay around all day never bothering a single other creature. He became very enamored with the human's “films” as they call them.” One such series was called Star Wars and there was a group in it called the Sith. Now Zeke had never really had much power in his early years but something about the way the Sith went after power by bullying, outsmarting, and using their skills within the force, made something within Zekes head snap into evil. He began emulating the jedi’s and sith lords training tactics. He would try to move things with his mind. As well as fetching toys thrown by the humans while his eyes were closed to raise his sense of awareness over sight. His cruelty started to surface when he began catching mice in the basement and torturing them, and sucking their happiness out before he dispatched of them. He would only respond to the name Darth Tyranus when addressed by other animals. One time when Ulrich the big ass dog in the house refused to give him the proper respect that Tyranus thought he had earned, he launched himself at the enormous Wolfhound and scratched the shit out of his face. Ulrich had to get stitches and he avoided Tyranus at all times within the house after that. I mean can you imagine being out weighed 12 to 1 and still being able to win the fight? Well, the humans decided to keep him around for a while because the child really liked him. However, when Tyranus went after the child’s face because he made a crack about Tyranus' momma, the adults banished him to the polebarn. For weeks Tyranus sat outside the door crying to get in, but the humans just ignored him. He was cast out and forced to live the life of a beast. He let the hatred build inside him for 3 years in the polebarn. He turned that hatred into resolve. He started to believe that he could actually feel the force coursing through him. He stopped eating the dry food the humans brought to him and began only feasting on the flesh of other animals because he believed that you could absorb their strength by digesting them. “Jesus” gasped Earl. “After 3 years of exile, Darth Tyranus was granted a protégé, a female stray named Ruby. She was the most beautiful cat in the area, long fluffy white hair, carolina blue eyes, and the body of a goddess. She belonged to an old woman from down the block. When the old woman died some people came to the house to put her inside a tiny cage and take her away. But Ruby bolted out the door as soon as she saw an opening and headed for daylight. She ran and ran until she found the polebarn. When Tyranus saw her he aimed himself from the atop of some of the cross boards that supported the barn lest he be afforded to kill for pleasure and lunged down upon her. His claws extended to shred and winding up to rip the back of her fucking head off. But at the last minute she sidestepped the blow, even though the attack was from behind she could sense it with the force, or so the legend says. After that show of perfection, Tyranus took her under his wing as his pupil to study the ways of the force. She was Ruby no more, from that day forward she would be called Darth Talon.” “OK, nice back story, but why is Tyranus’ name crossed out?” asked Earl. “Because my father killed him” replied Boris. Earl burst out laughing, “Are you shitting me? A little squirrel killing a death machine like Tyranus?” laughed Earl. Boris glared at Earl before saying; “My father was very smart, and he was sick of the cats killing all of us that live on the treeline. I was a mere child and he knew that none of us were long for this world when Tyranus and Talon’s bloodlust began to became more prominent. They hunted as a pair and their cunning was too crafty for any of the woodland creatures to react properly. Rabbits, Squirrels, Birds, Woodchucks, even fuckin' Raccoons fell to their jaws and claws. It was very dark times for the area. When Talon became pregnant the whole community lost their fucking sanity. There was no fucking telling how many savage beasts would be added to the Sith army after this. So my father figured the only way to garner some type of small victory was to cut off the head and hope the rest of those son-of-a-fucks would follow. He waited patiently watching neighbor and friend die around him until finally Talon was too preggers to go hunting anymore. My father sprung into action and ran to the polebarn. I could hear him yelling at Tyranus calling him foreskin-breath and saying things like he was a tubby bitch with basket-tits and that his face looked like a AID's riddled rectum. Then I saw my father flee away from the polebarn followed by the demonic Darth Tyranus who was frothing at the mouth. He sprinted all the way through the front yard and into the road. Then my father turned and stopped right in the middle of the pavement letting Tyranus sink his teeth into his throat killing him instantly. What Tyranus' force skills didn't let him know was that there was an 18-wheeled semi-truck coming through the neighborhood right on schedule as my father had calculated. The truck smooshed Tyranus flatter than an Olsen twin's fuckin' chest. “Wow, that takes serious fuckin' balls to sacrifice himself like that, I mean the most I've ever sacrificed was 10 days of beer drinking time to teabag my whore girlfriend's eggs until the fuckin' cardinal came by to be my beer-bitch.” After Earl said this, his eyes got huge and scared. “Oh my god, I've abandoned my boys!! I've abandoned my childs!!” just like Daniel fuckin' Plainview in “There Will Be Blood” “C'mon Boris, I have a bad idea that's tweaking my shlong's grammar!!” exclaimed Earl. Boris wasn't sure what that meant, but he knew that anytime someone's shlong was tweaked or jostled it was never a good thing...unless she was hot. (LOL)
Earl fluttered to Archie's house “Hey, Hey, I gotta go! I think I'd like your help. Said an exasperated Earl to Archibald and Archie. After shaking Archie by the shoulders he took off towards the Beer Treeline or Beerline for any of you fucking readers that didn't know that it was called that already...you bitches. Anyway, Earl was heading vigorously towards home with the idea that his boys were in some type of trouble. Boris followed behind jumping from tree to tree using his athletic ability to raise him above mediocrity. Archie Sr. followed at a close distance and eventually caught up with Earl. “What's the hurry guy?” asked Archie Sr. “I just think that my boys aren't ready to be alone yet and I have some sort of paternal crystal ball telling me to go home.” panted Earl. “Alright then, that sounds completely rational” said Archie Sr as he rolled his eyes. However when they got within 200 yards Archie thought Earl might be right. He heard the screams of at least one blue jay child. The 3 of them picked up their pace and blasted through the woods like Paul Bunyan on meth. When Earl arrived at his nest he could only see red. Figuratively and literally, he was pissed as shit for certain, but he also saw red because his home was infested with those crimson queefs the cardinals, apparently not just any cardinals but the whole Playboy crew. Dirk was being held down on the branch that supported their nest by 3 cardinal fucks. He struggled to help his brother but he was too young and small to break free. Dale was being forced facedown into the dog shit nest choking on poop particles. 2 cardinals were pinning him to the nest, but worse than that was that cock sniffer Kevin. He was positioned behind Dale sodomizing his bunghole and laughing about it like a pedophile dipped in extacy. Dale screamed in pain as Kevin proceeded to be a homosexual, even though he constantly denied it. Earl sent all his energy toward sending Kevin's head flying through the air but the cardinal to the left of Kevin blocked the punch and then started doing karate psych-out shit. While this lame bullshit was going on, none of the cardinals heard the pitter-patter of Boris' feet climbing up the tree. He appeared on the branch where Dirk was being held down by the 3 cardinals and smiled. He grabbed one cardinals and snapped his neck like a cheap toy made in Tokyo, then he grabbed another by the neck and as he squeezed the ever-loving shit out of his throat, he also lunged with his pointed teeth toward the neck of the remaining cardinal causing his jugular to erupt with crimson sprinkler action. Obviously Boris was experiencing some sort of bloodthirsty rage so Earl and Archie both backed down as Boris now lept toward the nest to save Dale. Archie took this opportunity to stab out the left eye of the cardinal to the left of the action with his beak, his retina burst out hot puss as he screamed like a liitle bitch. He flew away leaving just Kevin and another Card there. Boris plunged headlong for Kevin's fucking face but Kevin dodged it and took to the air. He was fast, no doubt, but Archie gave chase anyway. This left one cardinal in the nest with 3 blue jays and 1 rabid squirrel. Who do you think would win? Yeah well, that cardinals head was stuck on a spear and used as a mailbox for the next decade if that answers your fucking question. After the nest was clear of cardinal cockswabs Archie returned to the nest and said “That little piece of donkey scrote is fast as fuckshots.” Earl ran to Dale and began apologizing to him for failing him as a father and protector. “Oh god why have you forsaken my seed!! Punish me!! I'm the failure. My boy was good! Can you hear me god? You spunk-ass Biscut Lizard!! I hope you rot, you gnome erection!!! But god never appeared to Earl that day. In fact, he wanted Earl to feel anguish until he regained some perspective. It was during this procedure that Earl found a purpose and he said to Archie sr. “Archie, I want you to raise my children on the Prime Treeline, I will do nothing but fail them if I'm their caregiver, but I can sure as shit make the world a better place by hunting down that fuckity fagtard Kevin.” “No!!” barked Boris, “They need to grow up where they were born, it is written in the Forest Bi-Laws. Archie you must tend the Primeline as you are the leader there. I will stay here and raise the boys. Teach them how to survive in this dicked-up world.” “What about learning to be a Blue Jay, a fucking bird. You can't very well teach them how to fly Boris.” exclaimed Archie. “We will meet up with you twice per week. To learn your precious birdie training and fag them down about 5 notches. They will get a chance to learn the forest on these treks, in the mean time I'm gonna make them tough as nails to keep them from having to deal with issues like butt-rumping ever again.” said Boris. Earl stood there for a second before looking at his children and said, “Well, then it's settled, my boys will be raised by a muther fuckin' squirrel. I guess it coulda been worse. You turds could have been raised by morning doves.” Outside of Dale the whole group burst into laughter just at thought of morning doves trying to do something useful. “Old friend,” said Earl as he looked at Archie Sr. “May your reign on the Primeline be long and prosperous” “Thanks vigilante man, you better come back after killing the Playboys. Your kids still need a proper father.” replied Archie. “If all goes as planned, the world will never have to worry about cardinals or my drunk ass ever again.” And with that Earl the Drunkard and Archie the Golden-ish locked wings and bowed to one another. “You have my word that I will keep watch on your sons until they are men.” Earl laughed at him and said “You have my permission to slap the shit out of them if they get mouthy.” They both laughed for a while before Archie asked Earl “Where are you gonna search for that Kevin douche?” “I figured I'd rely on eye-witnesses. I mean that dude was so dramatic, I know he likes when people stare at him so somebody will have some info. Being flamboyant is about to cost him his hollow life. Said Earl. Let's just call him a wanna-be, the equivalent of someone famous for being on a reality tv show.
Earl spent the night with his sons, and in the morning he told them to be brave and that he could somehow make up for Dale's ass-raping by torturing Kevin. Neither one of his sons cared much for Kevin so the fact that he was due for a torturing didn't bother them in the slightest. In fact, they were happy that their underachieving dad had fire in his eyes for the first time since they could remember. Earl left the nest hungry for pain.
The creatures decided to go back to the Primeline after the sun came up fully. Dale and Dirk both had some wounds that were too painful for the primitive supplies at the Beerline. Boris stopped at the beer bath before leaving because he was looking for that good morning nip.
The trek back to the Primeline was very slow. Boris carried Dale for much of the way mumbling words of encouragement to him, the poor blue jay hadn't said a word since being butt-crammed by Kevin. He just laid in Boris' arms with a blank fucking stare. Dirk occasionally flew to the ground to check on Dale to see if he was still sane. Dale would nod his head to certain questions but still refused to speak fuckin' vocally. He was traumatized bitches!! He was violated hardcore. A part of him was lost that day and odds are that he was pretty unstable and might someday snap. Yeah it's kinda accurate...maybe. I guess your ugly face is gonna have to keep on reading to find out. I'm gonna take a few minutes to insult the reader.
Hey you, ugly mess, you look like hot trash covered in vomit. I'm the author and you are a mere eyeball stare person. I think that you have weaved one too many sand baskets in your day. I don't like your nosed-faced demeanor!! I only talk to people without noses, bitch.
After Dirk and Dale arrived at the Primeline, 1 year-old Archibald studied their aggression with rising interest. They scrapped with his father and Boris like two savage cougars. Dirk was very aggressive and fluid in his movements and on more than one occasion was able to get a good beak shot to Archie Sr’s taint. Dale was training almost exclusively with “Boris the Maniacal” as they were calling him now after word spread about his savage ass-stomping of the pedo-rapist cardinals. Dale and Dirk ventured to the primeline twice a week to learn how to be birds from Archie Sr. and Archibald. But after that year was over Archibald didn’t really see them very often anymore. They lived almost exclusively at the Beerline learning how to grapple and fight with Boris as well as foraging for food. The problem with the Beerline was that it was in a shithole of an area. The ground was hardened clay so it’s not like very much grass fucking grew there, plus most of the trees in the area were dead and rotted. Therefore they didn’t really have shit for food. Green Leaves, berries, nuts, and seeds were in small quantity. This wasn’t something that really bothered them too much however, because Boris explained how Blue Jays and Squirrels were both omnivores and they could eat plants and meat. “We are very fortunate to have diverse forms of nourishment” said Boris “We don’t have much plant life but we have infinite opportunities to eat flesh. Which is probably a better source for we who want to be strong. There is much higher energy in bugs and frogs than there is in plants. Therefore you’ll be able to put on lots of mass in a shorter time.” Boris was always trying to bulk the boys up. Dirk was getting big but Dale was becoming monstrous. He was now a full grown blue jay but he kept growing larger and larger.
One day when Dirk came back early from foraging he saw Boris holding an eyedropper made out of straw and a frog skin up to the eye of Dale. After the drop made contact with Dale’s eye he started blinking extremely fast and recklessly scratching the christ out of his eyeball. “What the fuck, Boris!!” belted Dirk. “Can't you see that shit's fucking him up?” He looked deep into his brothers eye as it was oozing goo. Dirk pointed a wicked fuckin look towards Boris. “What the fuck was that slime Boris? What was it!! You monkey-lookin' bitch??!! “It's a steroid to make him stronger and better. “ said Boris. “Where the fuck are you getting roids Boris? I mean that's not some common shit in a goddamn forest!! said Dirk. “I know a Robin, and he knows a Field Mouse that lives on a farm round yonder. He gathers the supplies and brews it himself. 80% of it is made from Bull and Horse semen. The other 20% is tobasco sauce, it really kicks it up a notch!! It would add mass to anything, even your little chode of a dong” said Boris to a more increasingly agitated Dirk. “So what you're saying is that my brother is now a retarded mute taking money shots to the eyeball with donkey jizz!?!? screamed Dirk. “Actually it's horse jizz, not donkey. I have standards” said Boris with a condescending tone. “You tubby bitch!!” yelled Dirk as he got in Boris' face. “I'm sick of your bullshit you fuzzy wanker. Every single day me and Dale have to listen to you go on and on about how you're gonna save the Primeline from from the feline tyranny. Yet you volunteered to come over here to raise us at the Beerline because you know that you are a big-talking douche that's all show, and no go. You try to uphold your fathers legacy but you are a fat bitch short of your father's legacy. In fact, you don't even tickle the taint of your father's legacy. What are you gonna do with all your muscle? Probably just rot away here on the Beerline and and force your queefdom on me and my retarded mute bro-ham? Well fuck that shite Boris, and to hell with your ego!! ” Boris looked vulnerable for the first time the young jays could ever remember. “Well Dirk since you obviously know so much about me and what my intentions are, why don't you tell me what I'm gonna do next you flaky bitch?!?! growled Boris as he sneered the balls out of Dirks eyeline. “I don't know Boris, you'll probably just buckle down and do nothing just like you always do. And by the way those roids are shrinking your balls in more way than one.” said Dirk. As Dirk said this to Boris it was mere seconds before Boris was lunging with sharpened claws toward Dirk's throat going for his fuckin' jugular. Boris needed blood, and he was furious at the disrespect that Dirk was giving him. Especially because Boris was the one reason why Dirk didn't get ass-raped. He interjected and killed those cardinals so what the fuck right does Dirk have spouting his bullshit? So he quickly developed a mental picture of how he'd dismember Dirk's face and shit. Dirk braced himself for a ball-shattering bludgeon but as he winced with his eyes shut ready for the pain...he felt nothing but wind as he opened his eyes and saw his brother Dale block the blow from Boris the Maniacal. Dale stared eye to eye with Boris and shook his head in shame at the squirrels actions. Boris searched for words but none appeared to him. Dale pointed his wing toward the woods. A gesture that could only mean get your ass out of here. “You heard him Boris, you aren't welcome here anymore. I guess you better take your ass back to the Primeline and receive the inevitable feline thrashing that you keep trying to avoid.” said Dirk. As Boris slowly gathered his shit he kept looking towards Dale for some type of sympathy but Dale just furrowed his eyebrows with impatience at his surrogate father. As Boris descended the tree for the final time he could have swore that he heard Dale's voice for the first time in his life. Boris couldn't make it out the exact words but it sounded like words of encouragement. Boris had to return to the Primeline fearing death and the shame that he had brought upon himself. Dirk and Dale were to rule the Beerline for the next year until their destiny arrived in the form of an old friend.
Chapter 3: Back to present times...bitch.
Ever since Archie Sr. left the Primeline there hadn't been much leadership there. Food was less prominent, Talon and her 2 kids were becoming a feared trio that went unchecked by the Primeline inhabitants, and overall the quality of life was fading. Instead of a strong dictatorship that the community had thrived under for years, the weak council now ruled in its place. All of the most prominent species had a representative and all the votes between the lot were equal. Blue Jays, Cardinals, Morning Doves, Chickadees, Hummingbirds, etc. There were 12 councilmen in all. Archibald's stomach turned over the fact that his vote in all matters was equal to the Morning Dove representative named Reginald the Douche. Reginald the Douche did nothing more than delay results. Nobody ever paid him any respect nor did they talk to him or listen to his bullshit. But when he became a member of the council that gave him a chance to spout out at the mouth about any fuckin' thing he wanted. Every time a bill was going to be passed Reginald took the opportunity to filibuster the bill. Yesterday there was to be a bill to enforce a fine on citizens that were found shitting in the bird feeder or on the ground within 5 yards of the bird feeder in an order to keep there best food clean. But Reginald used that opportunity to give possible outcomes of a fight between a spatula and an oven mit. After two hours of speculation he finally came to the conclusion that the oven mit would win because spatulas don't have teeth. Obviously this was most douchey conclusion possible but the meeting had to be adjourned because the time was up. All the citizens used this opportunity to shit on the food as much as possible like the dicks that they were. Seeing how there was no law.
There was also a representative of the Robins. His name was Hannibal. He was a most vile and devious bird. Anything going down on the Primeline was something that Hannibal knew before anyone else. His Robins kept to the ground digging for worms and bouncing from tree to tree unnoticed. Their ears were already evolved to the point that they could hear worms moving under soil so you can just imagine how fucking easy it was for them to hear private conversations taking place in treetops. Hannibal used this knowledge for immunity, currency, favors, women, and pretty much whatever he wanted. Cardinals had a representative, his name was Juan. Juan was one of the few members of the council that didn't give Archibald a desire to shred the shit out of. Archibald didn't always see eye to eye with Juan but he knew that Juan was just trying to do what was best for the community. Today Archibald called for divebombs against any raccoons in their feeder as well as any cats that came near the treeline. Juan suggested that maybe siding with the raccoons would be a good move because they could fend off the cats and maybe even dish out some pain to Boris who was becoming much more aggressive towards birds in the last few months since he had arrived back at the Primeline from the Beerline. Archibald disagreed. “Then we become reliant on the fucking raccoons, then once we have to share our food with raccoons, the possums, rabbits, and deer will come too. Then guess what? All of the birds of this area will be the last in line for the food that's designated to us in the first fucking place.” yelled Archibald. However after some deliberation Archibald's proposal was voted down within the Bird council. Only Hannibal the Robin sided with him. The other 10 members of the council voted to enact an alliance with the raccoons. Archibald shook his head. He knew this leadership was going to be the death of them all. “Sometimes I wonder if these birds are even interested in long-term survival” said Hannibal as he stood up and left the meeting hall. Archibald followed. When the birds arrived outside of the meeting hall they were greeted by the massive squirrel Boris. “So I see all the top fairies had another one of their useless fairy gatherings. What was the topic this week? Maybe Reginald took the opportunity to discuss the benefits of eating feces mixed with food because that seems to be the decision after last weeks meeting.” Boris pushed his way through the councilmen, punching, kicking, and slapping birds upside the head as he made his way toward Archibald. The hulking Boris stood 5 inches taller than Archibald and probably outweighed him 4 times over. As many of the council members fled to their homes or fluttered to another tree, Archibald stood his ground standing chest to chest with the squirrel, and not even flinching as Boris raised his fist in a threatening gesture. Upon seeing Archibald wasn’t to be intimidated with the threat of physical violence Boris growled at Archibald. “I thought you said that you were passing a bill to punish those responsible for shitting in the feeding platform?” “That was the plan, but some members of the council are a far cry from smart and apparently an argument between Spatula vs. Oven Mit was a much more pressing issue to the community. Replied Archibald in a condescending tone. “You insolent swine. The Primeline is my home, I’m the only mammal that lives here year round. If you birds aren’t willing to uphold the quality of life for your residents, then maybe we need to vote on an amendment that mammals can act on the Council of Birds as well. Maybe if I’m there something will actually get fucking done.” Archibald began laughing as the squirrels face began turning red with rage. “What’s so funny dick!?!? Shouted Boris. “If it’s more mammals you want, then more mammals you’ll have. The council is offering the raccoons a spot in the community for protection from the cats. “What!!,” growled Boris, the raccoons? But that will just lead too…” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, possums, rabbits, deer, yadda fucking yadda. Interrupted Archibald. “Boris, I’m trying to restore some dignity to this community but I’m one vote in a council of 12. We Blue Jays are the most territorial birds in the world, it’s not in the nature of chickadees and hummingbirds to act in aggression towards trespassers. That’s why I need you Boris, I need you by my side when the time comes for our revolution. We will restore this place to a utopia again. We’ll even do something that my father never did and rule over the cats as well as the hawks in the sky.” Boris roared with laughter. “Rule over cats and the hawks? Are you fucking daffy? I gotta say Archibald, I like the way you think, but first why don’t we worry about keeping shit out of our food then we’ll work our way up to global domination.” Archibald didn’t crack a smile, he didn’t even blink as he looked at Boris’ big squirrely face. “Just say that you’ll have my back when I start cleaning house up in this bitch. Boris thought about it. “Very well, my dad always spoke highly of your father, so I’m sure he’d rather me side with a Blue Jay rather than the weaker birds of the area. “Your father was great man. He slayed Tyranus and bought the community some time to evolve a defense against the cats.Too bad his sacrifice was for nothing because this council has squandered precious time due to gay-dogging and pandering for penis compliments. Tyranus’ kids will be full-grown soon and will need to be dealt with. By siding with me you are showing your dedication to his sacrifice and we will finish the job your father started on the evil brood. Archibald said to Boris as they shook hands. “So what’s the plan?” asked Boris. Archibald fluttered up to a higher branch and stared out at the rabble that called themselves birds infesting the community. “Rounding up more muscle, said Archibald. “We need more Blue Jay talent around here. All these jays are crusty old fucks we need some new blood.” Boris looked nervous as he said these next words. “Dirk and Dale will be ready to fight, they are mean little fucks but unfortunately I don’t think they will want to fight alongside of me.” Archibald nodded, “Well I guess I’ll just have to make them an offer they can’t refuse.”
The first order of business for Archibald was to cut ties with his dad’s crew. They bailed on his father when his chapped balls were swaying in the wind so fuck those chodes, he thought to himself. So at the next council meeting, Archibald brought up the idea that he was going to hold tryouts for those strong enough to be in his crew and they would overthrow the council. He was met with roars of laughter. “Who died and made you leader?” asked an asshole dick of a chickadee. “Who died and made you leader?” repeated a big-time douche of a morning dove Reginald, obviously too stupid to think up his own question, in so, stealing the chickadee’s question. He even beamed at his brilliance after asking it like he said something profound like he was the modern day fucking Hemingway. Archibald glared at the dove for a minute before returning his eyes to the group. “My dad was king of this tree line before Jack Frost ripped his scrotum, I know that I am just as good of a leader as my dad ever was, and with time and experience I can be even better.” Jonesy the Hummingbird peeped up, “But your dad was stronger than you could ever be, how can we rely on your muscle in the face of adversity? Back when you were a kid you were always dicking around taking notes about plants like a fucking nerd while your dad wrestled and fought with that drunkards 2 blue jay boys.” I am going to meet with those two sons of a drunkard's boys right now, and ask for their allegiance to my cause. Odds are they'll be sick to their stomachs when I tell them about this mockery of council and the queefs that are running it. I’m gonna start my new crew from scratch and all you fucktards are gonna wish you signed up for tryouts when the offer was on the table, we're gonna kick you all in the dicks, and leave you for the savage feline prowlers. “It doesn't matter” said David the Wren, “3 blue jays cannot overthrow an entire government, he is barking mad. He is trying to call our bluffs” Archibald sneered at the dumb dick “I knew none of you pussies would have the stones to side with me, I just wanted to give you ample warning ahead of time. You bitches better be gone by the time I come back, or violence will be dealt to any of those loyal to this bullshit council. With that, Archibald set off to find his first 2 recruits, Dale and Dirk.
Chapter 4: Dealing with the Devil
“But sir, something about this just doesn't seem right. We shouldn't be selling out birds to the cats, they're our species” “I don't care what your conscious is telling you. Interjected Hannibal the Robin towards one of his underlings named Nick. “The only species I'm loyal to is that of the Robins. All the other birds can suck a dick. As long as Talon continues to give Robins safe passage into the polebarn for shelter, nesting supplies, and immunity what difference is it if a few finches get snagged?” “Aren't you worried about the council catching wind of this? This type of treason warrants death in the eyes of the forest.” asked Nick. “HA HA HA, that council is nothing more than a farce. Laughed Hannibal “A mere gathering of weak-minds to stroke egos and act important without actually doing anything. As long as we have Reginald the Douche in our midst, I'm not really worried about the council hearing anything outside of his worthless blathering. The only one in that council that I fear is Archibald, and he's gone to the Beerline for the night. This is the perfect opportunity for the Robins to move up a few rungs. Robins ruling the treetops without fear of the Blue Jays, Hawks, and Cardinals...we can also rule the yard and soil without fear of Cats and Squirrels. If we can manipulate Talon to our advantage just right, us Robins will be immortal!!” Nick sighed and reluctantly nodded his head in approval. He didn't want any part of shady dealing with the cats. Especially when the deals usually involved pumping the cats with injury updates around the Primeline. A couple months ago (flashback) Hannibal went to Talon and her spawn, with info that Michelle the Sparrow had injured her wing flying into a window that she thought was open air. She managed to get back into her tree for the night. So Hannibal gave the coordinates to Talon by morning Michelle was fucking gone due to the stealth and savagery of Talon. Only some feathers were left in her tree as well as 4 hungry mouths to feed. Hannibal knew that they were as good as dead anyway so he pushed them out of their nest onto the ground to let Talon's daughter Malice, and her son, Bane enjoy bird's blood for the first time in their young lives. That bought him some clout with the felines and it also showed the type of initiative that Talon could respect. “And they call us savages!?” remarked Talon as she walked by Hannibal sending a shiver down his spine. “You'd sell out your own mother for a piece of corn Mr. Robin, wouldn't you?” “I do what I need to do to for the Robins. Dead sparrows don't mean a fuck to me.” replied Hannibal trying not to shit his pants in fear. He could feel Talon's whiskers on the back of his neck and closed his eyes grimacing at the prospect of death. “Maybe some birds are worth more than just dinner.” purred Talon as she continued past Hannibal leaving him unharmed “Keep me updated on activities in the Primeline and I will give you access to the polebarn during thunderstorms for shelter, as well as any of your Robin buddies.” “What about all that straw for nesting, can we have that too?” asked a Hannibal who was gaining a bit of confidence. “Sure, we'll call it a package deal” said Talon. This is how Hannibal struck a deal with the devil cat, and his lust for power began to take shape. (back to present times bitch!!) Nick and Hannibal quietly hopped their way towards the polebarn. Hannibal occasionally stopped to dig in the ground for some slimy worms from the cool soil, however Nick was far too scared and ashamed to have an appetite. He was continuously twitching his head up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B, A, start. Like his head bobs would give him 30 fucking lives bitch!! If you don't get the reference to that joke then I guess you didn't grow up with a fucking Nintendo in the eighties...bitch!! “Why can't you just go to her??” pleaded Nick with Hannibal “I gave you the info, why do I need to go too??” Hannibal whirled around on Nick and poked him in the chest with his wingtip. “Because you piss-head, it's important that the cats know that the Robins support them as a whole, and not just me. As they were mere inches from the polebarn entrance Nick started to freak the fuck out. “I can't go in there Hannibal, it's not right, this place smells like death!!” “Quit being a vaj Nick, suck it up and do something noble for the Robins for once in your rancid life!!” screamed Hannibal.
They entered the polebarn with caution. Even Hannibal's facade couldn't withstand the ominous atmosphere that this place harnessed and he was visibly shaken with fear only adding to Nick's already shaky demeanor. The bones of mice, birds, moles, and other creatures littered the floor of the barn. Years of Talon, Tyranus, and the brood's genocide upon all the woodland creatures seemed to be accumulating by the fuckload. The humans had neglected cleaning this barn because they never really used it for shit, but the cats had turned this place into the most disturbing homage to necrophilia since the cops raided Ed Gein's house in Wisconsin back in 1957. Ed Gein was the dude that turned corpses into furniture, clothing, lamp shades, silverware etc. He was also the inspiration for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Silence of the Lambs and Psycho. 3 of the greatest horror movies of all time. Goddamn!! Must I explain everything to you tards? Shit!! Anyway there were bones everywhere. It was gross.
A whisper of a voice slunk through the darkness. It was Darth Talon, and she was singing a lullaby to her children. A quiet menace filled the room with a heart choking desperation as she purred,
“Eat those birds like you were dying
Eat those babies whilst still crying
I like hiding in your house
Peering like a little mouse
From the shadows I am creeping
Looking at you while you're sleeping
You can feel my...”
“Ahem, whispered Hannibal in a choked voice. “Darth Talon Miss?” Sssshhh. said Talon. “They have just gotten to sleep.” Nick and Hannibal looked over to Bane and Malice asleep on the worn tee-shirts and filthy oil rags that occupied the upper left hand corner of the barn. “I'm sorry my lady, I just think I have some info worth your attention. Said Hannibal. Talon went from pawing a mud puddle in disinterest to perking her ears up. “Go on then” said the inquistive feline. “By the way, here is my successor, Nick. I kinda wanted to groom the youth for our future together.” said a nervous Hannibal. Darth Talon encircled the two robins walking laps around them for what seemed like hours all the while staring daggers into Nick's eyes. “Is that right...NICK!! You wanna help the cats!?!? grilled Talon. Nick tried to open his mouth and speak but nothing more than a half pint of digested worms and raspberries came out in a frothy mess. “Heehee hee laughed Talon. “Yeah Hannibal, that's one hell of a next generation you're packin'. Hahaha!! Hannibal was embarrassed and jabbed Nick in the nuts a few times with his elbow to wake up his sane mind. “What the fuck? Hannibal? You dick, why you hittin' my balls dude? Hannibal gestured toward's the face of Talon. Nick looked in that direction, the nut-punches obviously erasing his temporary memory to see for the first time to his tard-ass brain, a hungry death-machine with crazed morals named Darth Talon. Nick jumped the length of 5 fucks in a bathtub on acid. (Your guess is as good as mine, but it was far) He fled to the upper beams of the barn. “You sick fuck Hannibal!! What have you done to us robins?? Have you made us allies to vicious savages bent on death to our shit?” asked Nick. “Yeah Hannibal, what have you done to your race?” laughed Talon. She continued to laugh as Hannibal still tried to wrap his brain around his own betrayal. Hannibal realized that he had indeed made a deal with the devil and that any deal struck within that polebarn was null and void. Most likely not due for refund. So anyway, what a douche for trusting a cat in the first place. As he contemplated his place in hell, Hannibal decided to make a break for it. He flew to a beam on the upper portion of the barn. Darth Talon was on the opposite side of the barn from him, staring at Nick. Hannibal looked up to the loft where Bane and Malice slept, they hadn't moved since his arrival. “Nick you can bolt left and get to the exit of the polebarn” screamed Hannibal. The exit was either under the sliding door or out through the hole in the upper northeast corner of the barn. Nick would chose either at this point. He fled first to the upper northeast corner but stopped feet short before fleeing because the the jet-black Bane was in the escapology gap. “Fuckin' Shit!! yelled Nick, he was petrified at Bane's ability to warp through the entire barn in mere seconds. It simply wasn't possible. He descended downward to escape through the gap between ground and door as his 2nd option for escape but was greeted by steel claws owned by Malice instead. She swiped her paw in precision, knocking Nick nearly unconscious and halfway bloody...just like your period...you bitch, LOL. Anyway, enough shenanigan's. Let' s focus.... So a half unconscious Nick the Robin is being dragged through the barn. He can see his helpless leader, Hannibal shedding tears in the upper portion of the barn looking down on him. But unwilling to sacrifice himself, like the sellout bitch that he was. He can see Bane and Malice's faces as they drag him towards their mother, Darth Talon. He was losing blood fast, but he noticed up on the sleeping platform Malice and Bane still sleeping in their beds. How could this be? His dying mouth agape sucking in every last scrap of oxygen that his earthly body would let him escape with. “How...???” was all that he could muster with his head gushing liquid crimson like a drinking fountain. Talon peered down into the face of Nick. “Decoys” she hissed to him. “Merely optical illusions!!” “Bullshit bitch!! That is obviously is more than an optical illusion. Hannibal belted as he frantically floated over toward the sleeping Bane and sleeping Malice. As his eyes achieved the desired pix elation (even spell check had issues with that word combo. I still say it's wrong but what the fuck do I know?) What Hannibal found was sheer terror. The sleeping kittens were stuffed cadavers. Apparently Talon and Tyranus had 4 kittens but 2 of them died as kittens. Instead of giving them a proper burial Talon had stuffed them with straw and twine, still singing lullabies to them like the crazy biznitch that she was-nitch. “Tommy and Maddy weren’t worthy of my bloodline.” said Talon to Nick but speaking loud enough that Hannibal could hear it too. “They had to be eliminated to maintain the high quality of product that we barn cats are known for.” “What product would that be?” shouted Hannibal as he choked back sobs. “We deal death” sneered Talon. “You psycho whore, you killed your own children because they weren’t up to your ridiculous standards?” Nick said through gurgled and fading breaths. “No, don’t be silly. I didn’t kill them. I’m their mother…Bane killed Tommy and Malice killed Maddy in fights to the death. Pitting siblings against each other just seemed slightly more biblical and poetic to me. I guess you could call me a sentimentalist in that regard. Tommy and Maddy never displayed any awareness of the force and in routine hunts they were loud and clumsy. Many meals were lost due to their flaws. However these two display powers equal to my own and by the time they are fully grown I expect them to be stronger than even their father was. Bane and Malice both reveled in that prospect. “So Nicky my boy, what is the news that you and your chickenshit friend came to tell me.” Asked Talon. Nick continued to lose blood quickly and could barely focus. Survival was more than likely out of the question but he made one last effort to break free of Bane and Malice’s clutches dislocating his right wing in the process. He screamed in pain as he frantically kicked his feet trying to spring upright and make a dash for the door but it was futile. The cats were too strong and he was too slashed-to-shit. Bane and Malice both laughed at Nick’s disposition. “Let him go!! He never hurt anyone!!” yelled Hannibal “Why don’t you come down here and take his place Hannibal.” Hannibal thought about it for a minute. “Let him go first, then I’ll come down.” said Hannibal Talon shook her head. “No you come down here first, I know what a sissy you are and you’ll just bolt as soon as release him. “ Hannibal pondered it briefly before he heard Talon say. “Too late bitch, hold him down” Bane and Malice held Nick to the barn floor face up, wings outstretched, so his red robin breast was fully exposed. She extended her blackened claw on her index finger and slowly cut him laterally across his abdomen. Then bane and Malice counted in unison “1,2,3, GO!!” Upon saying go, they both tandem punched Nick in the chest causing his entrails to fly out of him through the razor thin laceration that Talon had provided. Pieces of worms, berries, and Nicks internal business littered a 5 foot radius. Hannibal himself blew chunks all over the beam he was perched on. “You fucking savages!! When Archibald gets back the Primeline will take action on you bastards.” Talon laughed at Hannibal trying to speak between barf bursts. “Sure Hannibal, why don’t you just go tell everyone on the Primeline that you were making deals with the barn cats and selling out injured birds for scraps.” “You said you’d give the Robins immunity!!” shouted an enraged and puke soaked Hannibal. “Well then, I guess that makes you quite the douche for trusting me doesn’t it.” Laughed Talon as she played with Nick’s guts. Nick seemed to cringe at the touch of her claws. He was somewhere between the living and the dead. Ravens were the medium between the two realms of life and death and Nick could hear them coming. He welcomed the thought of the ravens carrying him to the spiritual world. He didn’t know what that world had in store for him, but even hell couldn’t be as bad as his last 10 minutes of life on earth. Nick began to speak in a whisper. “Don’t…any of you…have the fucking stones…to kill me?” Bane loomed over the face of the incapacitated Robin staring eye to eye, then exposed his fangs and bit deep into the face of poor Nick killing him instantly. Hannibal knew he was next if he stuck around any longer so he flew out of the hole in the northeast corner of the barn and made his way back to the Primeline where he was faced with quite the fucking dilemma. He knew that either he could play dumb about Nick being missing, or tell the truth and face the blood battering beat down he would receive.
