A song I wrote about a former relationship. I changed who I was to make someone else happy. I was miserable in turn. I wrote music for it too. Call me sometime I'll sing it for y'all.
FAULTY EXPECTATIONS
Verse 1:
I'm not a puppet, but with you it's like I have no choice
I might as well be a mute cuz when I speak it's not my fucking voice oh, oh
Every moment we're together it's a chore to coddle petty needs
My every want and desire is suspended second to your greed oh, oh
Your greed for attention, your greed to be right, your greed to have your way and my desire not to fight.
I act the way you want me to not out of love, I act like I do cuz when push comes to shove:
Chorus:
I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Verse 2:
I could end it, but I'm too attached to leave
Years of working with you has left me hollow as an empty sleeve oh, oh
I was a very happy person til I met you then I was fooled
and I lost all my friends due to all your fucking stupid rules oh, oh
Your rules to be your servant, your rules to submit, your rules to control and make me feel like shit.
I act the way I do not because I want you near, I act the way you want me to because my only fear:
I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Breakdown:
I'm not ready to die, no I'm not ready by far
I'm not ready to die, I can't wish on my scars
I'm in a prison I want out, but where do I go
I'm in this cage behind locked doors as my hatred grows
I don't want to hate you but you're leaving few windows
I'm beginning to play my hate against you like a Nintendo
This mask that I wear for you just cracked under pressure
I feel alive and found myself, my inner treasure...
BECAUSE!!
I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
Maybe if I killed myself then you'd finally fucking see
oooh owww
That your expectations are fuckin pitiful to me
oooh owww
And I'd rather be dead than to be what you want me to be
oooh owww
(Bridge change, more intense drums, louder vocals)
But I'd rather be alive free of chains and live my life for me
oooh owww
I'd rather keep on living and have you just fucking leave me be
oooh owww
We will both be more happy when you open up your eyes and see
oooh owww
That we'd both rather die than live our lives as a fuckin' "we"
oooh owww
WE, OHHH WE, Ohhh Owww WE, OHHH WE!!!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Faulty Expectations
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Crow Just Sits
I love metal music. I decided to take a break from poetry and try my hand at writing a truly dark and brooding metal song.
THE CROW JUST SITS
Verse 1:
Can you feel the cold?
The crow stares down with malice
Are you what you are told?
The crow invades my palace
Verse 2:
All that I aspire to be
I need to don latex masks
To be the man of your dreams
The crow of nightmares stares and asks
Chorus:
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
I'm forcing what's not, to hinder my knowing
The crow just sits as my insanity's growing
Verse 3
The crow stares with content
As I squirm and claw my skin
But why should I conform and repent?
The human soul must embrace its sins
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
I'm forcing what's not, to hinder my knowing
The crow just sits as my insanity's growing
Breakdown:
Fuck you! I never asked for your help,now accustomed, I need it more than life itself
So True!! I became a shell of me, and now my pity is a demon in the hell of me.
Why did I subject myself to you? How do you act so warm with skin so blue?
The crow will never get my forgiveness, it’s not like she wants it, so I’ll have to eat it!!…EAT IT!!!
2X
Needing and feeding on your soul I’m breeding
Painful distrust and the façade is bleeding
I have to be told that I will soon die
To avoid this true yet rhetorical lie
Lying for life as I lie for my death
Vengeance rings out through my ice-laden breath
Tearing apart primal visions of hate
The crow must be killed to acheive my fate
2X:
Needing and feeding my heart is still bleeding
Needing and seething my mind is still screaming
Outscheming the crow as she dies, now I'm leaving
Acheiving my fate as the shattered come pleading…Pleading!!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Election 2008
2008 Election results!! Congrats Michigan!! During this election I voted strictly based on a degree of moderate politics. I choose not to vote for a single republican or democrat. I voted strictly independant and although my votes may have been "wasted" on the politicians I pursued, I gotta say I was proud that my votes on both proposals passed.
Prop 1 was the bill to legalize medical marijuana. Many people say this bill will lead them to legalize marijuana outright, then open up a pandora's box that will allow other drugs to be legalized. I say, "so fuckin' what?" The decriminalization of street drugs would reduce violent crime by nearly 60%. I don't necessarily condone selling heroin and crack in your neighborhood supermarkets but I think by decriminalizing them you're giving the police an option to turn a blindeye and focus on the "Protect and Serve" slogan that they claim to uphold. Mandatory minimum sentences for drug possessions are purely a means to violate human rights.
By keeping drugs illegal we are giving criminals more power. Is little Johnny gonna drop out of school in the 10th grade to sell weed if he's not turning a ridiculously high profit? Probably not. If Marijuana was available at stores then he might as well be going to Sam's club and stocking up on Bubble Yum, because he's gonna have the same margin of profit. Right wingers try to make the point that legalizing drugs will create more addicts. I believe this to be false as well. I have studied countless hours on addiction, I myself am addicted to alcohol. I've spent a month in in-patient rehab, 2 years going to AA meetings, group therapy with alcohol counselors. The same fact remains within all of these circles. There is no higher percentage of people with chemical dependancy now than there was 10, 20, 50, or 100 years ago. 1 out of every 9 people are predisposed to addictive behavior whether it be to alcohol, cocaine, heroin, etc. And that's way it will remain. Legalization of drugs is safer for our communities, it's better for our economy, and it takes the power away from crime lords and and violent smugglers.
During the prohibition era, Al Capone was the richest and most powerful man on the planet and organized crime was at an all time high. After prohibition was relenquished, Capone was just another thug. Did our country go to hell in a handbasket during this period? No, in fact it's probably looked at as the golden age of our countries' history. We'll be just fine with legal pot and decriminalized hard drugs. If the government was really corcerned with people's safety on the issue of drugs, cigarettes would have been made illegal long ago.
Now as far as proposal 2 goes...I have been a staunch supporter of stem cell research for years. I voted yes on this proposal to further expand the research to find cures for many ailments. Mainly diabetes, because my dad has diabetes and I know it's something that will affect me years down the road. I will say however, if I was on the fence about this issue, I probably would have voted "No". They simply had a much better ad campaign on tv. I felt that the "Yes" supporters merely preyed on people's sympathies and did little to describe the facts of their proposal. Whereas the "No" crew did a very good job illustrating the higher taxes that could be enforced on Michigan's citizens, and went on to also describe the other avenues to stem cells that would exclude the usage of human embryos. They also avoided the hellfire and brimstone approach that I was almost positive would be the primary deterant of their ad campaign. One of the ads that did have me laughing was the one that showed all these huge corporations that would use this bill to begin human cloning, even though there is a stipultion within the ammendmant that denies any action of cloning.
Personally, I have nothing against cloning. Ask yourselves this, would the world really be any worse off if there were 2000 more Scarlett Johansson's walking the earth? Probably not. Boom!! Case closed. It would also help us answer the nature vs. nurture debate once and for all. But that is for another blog I will write in the near future.
Overall I have to say I was much more optimistic about this country, and our states' future after this election than I was in 2000 or 2004. I think Obama will do well for our economy and right now that's the main thing. I know that people get bent out of shape about all the small issues but if you look at the history of any country, after the economy is back on the rise, all those little things seem to fall into place.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Return of the Nightmare Deer
September 2nd I posted a blog about a nightmare I had about a twisted and disfigured deer that I tried killing multiple times to no avail. It ended by just laying on the floor screaming and growling at me. This seemed to be the aftermath of an all-out drinkfest the previous weekend that resulted in me blacking out, drunk dialing people I respect, spending too much money, and just falling into the abyss that my life was in 3 years ago. I felt guilty and this was apparantley something in my subconscious. It used to be rather normal for me to drink until blackout status 3 or 4 times a week. However, I haven't been drinking liquor lately and by switching exclusively to beer and only drinking once a week during college football I was happy to be blackout free for the past 2 months. But last Saturday I regret to inform you that I found my limit in beer and suffered similar guilt-ridden feelings that resulted in the return of the deer on Sunday night. This blog also involves 4 dogs from my past that represented different parts of my life and I'm sure there is some symbolism there too.
Here's how the dream played out this time around. I was at my parents house in Williamston right behind the Middle School. I had 4 dogs with me. Cinder and Tiber who belonged to my parents, and Woody and Sammy who belonged to the neighbors I grew up next to in Byron when I was a child.
Sammy was the strangest dog within the dream. He was actually a dog I feared from the age of 3 to 6 or so in real life. He only stood about 18 inches off the ground and he was a mangy white and black mutt. However he made up for his small stature by being extremely mean. Everytime I needed to go down to the lake I had to walk past Sammy's house and everyday he'd growl and come at me full tilt nipping. I was too young at the age of 3 to 6 to just stand up to him so I'd always run away and sneak past him later. He was actually the only thing in the world I was afraid of at a young age. However, when I was 7 or so I began standing up to him and just ignoring him and he'd stop dead in his tracks if I didn't run away. It even got to the point were I could bend down, scratch his throat and he stopped barking at me soon after. I was probably about 12 when Sammy finally died, He was about 17 years old I would guess.
Woody was also a dog that belonged to those same neighbors. He was a purebred Golden Retreiver. He was my favorite wrestling buddy when I was growing up at the age of 8 to 11. He was much more rambunctious and active than the dog my parents had at the time. We would wrestle for hours in my backyard and during the emmergence of Street Fighter II he was great to have a around for pulling off karate moves while I was pretending. Woody had a screw loose in his brain though. For some reason everytime he got out when my other neighbors had their dogs outside he would run right at them and attack them. He gave one of them severe nerve damage, and almost killed the other. After being threatened by lawsuits my neighbors had no choice but to give Woody away to some people on a farm and he was never seen again. Sometimes I wonder if was given to a farm or euthanized. It may have just been a story to keep me from crying because I loved that dog more than the owners did.
Tiber was my favorite dog we ever owned. We got her in the summer of 1992, I was 12 at the time. She was a yellow lab with a dark reddish-gold coat. She had the coolest personality of any dog I've known. She didn't care what you thought of her and she knew she was superior to everyone. She was smart, cunning, and extremely agile. She was also a klepto and she made a habit of stealing all the neighborhood children's hats, shoes, food, etc. Tiber was recently put down this past February at the age of 15. It was a pretty hard pill for me to swallow because she had been the dog that always slept in my room and favored me to anyone else throughout my middle school and high school years.
Cinder is the only dog listed that is still alive, I was 21 when my parents got her but I'm still very close with her because I still lived with them when she was a puppy and I moved back into their house for 3 years between '04-'07. She is a black lab that is very loving toward her family but she is shy around strangers and won't hesitate to growl at other dogs that come up to her. She's about 8 now and she has been recently diagnosed with cancer this past Spring.
There, that's the backstory on the cast of characters. So anyway...I was taking them all for a walk behind the middle school in Williamston. None of them were on their leashes, I was letting them run free as I usually do with dogs. Tiber, Cinder, and Woody were all running up ahead sniffing the ground, being dogs, and peeing on stuff. But Sammy was hanging behind with me. Everytime I looked at Sammy he looked different. Sometimes he looked like the mangy little bastard I remember, other times he looked much more beutiful. His coat would turn different colors, his facial features would change and strangest of all, he was talking to me with the voice of David Letterman. We weren't talking about anything in particular just making small talk. Then after trotting up to the treeline of the woods that bordered the middle school soccer field, all the dogs returned to me and just sat there staring into my eyes. I asked them what was wrong but they just sat there and stared at me.
Then I heard a sound coming from the woods, it was the sound of a little girl crying and begging for help deep into the forrest. I tried to see into it, but "I couldn't see anything for the trees" which may have been a metaphor. Because I realized that is one of my personality traits earlier that night via a phonecall. I was terrified. I thought that some violent criminal may have been in there raping a girl at gunpoint or that maybe a girl was trapped by a bear. Either way, I was petrified with fear for a long time. Whatever it was I knew wasn't good. The dogs continued to stare at me, and I continued to debate whether I should go into the woods and face my fear or walk the other way back to the house and to safety. After a few minutes passed I knew that if a girl was found dead in the woods later in the week, I'd never forgive myself for turning a blindeye when I could have saved her. The dogs I had with me gave me the strength and confidence to finally make up my mind to enter the woods.
The trees and vegatation were thicker in the woods than they usually are in there, in fact it wasn't even the same woods at all. It felt more like a jungle with the prospect of unknown danger around every tree and twisitng trail. I had the dogs walk ahead of me for safety reasons I also wanted them to find where the location of the girl screaming . Sammy was in the lead, followed by Woody. Tiber and Cinder hung back a little with me. I saw a long sharp stick that I picked up to use as a weapon on the rapist I was confident I'd find.
We came to a large downward slope, looking down, there was a large patch of shubbery, trees, and vines surrounded by nothing but fallen leaves and it seemed there was a trail that went around in a circle around the patch of shubbery. There I saw what was making the terrible screams. It was huge grey deer the size of a moose trapped in the shubbery and vines and fighting to get out. I approached the deer to help it, and Sammy and Woody began running towards it barking Cinder and Tiber followed soon after. The deer became even more startled and broke through the vines and took off and ran out of sight. At this point I turned around and looked back on top of the hill that we walked down and there stood another deer just as massive with twisted antlers that came to menacing points. The deer charged toward me grunting and screaming, I had no mobility, I couldn't move my feet and I just leaned slightly to the left as it ran right past me and down to the right side of the looping trail were Tiber and Cinder were. The deer put its head down to gore my dogs as it ran the circle. I screamed out and cried for my poor dogs. Somehow the deer didn't make contact with them, or it went right through them. Either way my dogs were unharmed. The deer then circled around the loop and ran at me again, once more missing contact with me. Then it stood atop the hill and bellowed through the woods before turning around and running the other direction.
I was so happy that the deer hadn't hurt my dogs, I felt a such a feeling of relief it made me cry. I realized I didn't care what the deer did to me as long as it didn't hurt the dogs. I rounded the dogs up and we began to walk through a clearing in the woods to get get to the road that would take us home. Woody and Cinder wanted to go back the way we had come. Tiber wanted to go the way I was going. Sammy stood in one place as we walked. Soon Cinder and Woody came with me and Tiber. But Sammy just stood there. By the time we got to the road I called for him. He said "I can't believe we just saw the Grandfather Deer." I let the other dogs walk ahead and waited for Sammy to catch up to see what he meant by "Grandfather Deer". When he finally caught up with me his coat was a beautiful multi-colored fleece and he had the head of a purebred pitbull with a huge smile on his face. Before he could explain anything to me about the Grandfather Deer I woke up. I was pissed that I didn't hear what he had to say.
Why did the deer threaten me and my dogs with violence then let us be? Why would the deer charge us when we were trying to help his trapped brother? Why would my earliest memory of fear (Sammy) be a voice of reason in my dream, and why the shape- shifting? Why did the deer have the voice of a human child? Did the dogs represent loyalty or friends perhaps? I'll leave that stuff up to interpretation. I guess I'm just baffled as to why the last two times I've felt guilt-stricken about overdrinking I dream about deer.
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Day After...
Unseen is that which goes bump in the night
Intangible thoughts on this untamable fright
I sniff till I smell the odor of my failure
My mind in the grasp of this livid torn jailer
I look to the numbness that I need to cope
Put a smile on my face as if there is hope
But reality tells me that I'm wasting away
By the day I just stray from the reasons to stay
Still there it sits with an ominous presence
Taunting and mocking my pleads for some pleasance
I'm walking on eggshells trying to rest on my laurels
But it remains on my thoughts and it's bending my morals
I must stay in place like my feet have been planted
And wait for selfish needs to be disenchanted
There are moments of clarity in this tightrope act
And fact is, this act has no measure for tact
I am playing chess with my life thinking 5 steps ahead
Only if I don't win I'll most likely be dead
Or I'll be wishing for death and release from my pity
I never knew this would be both so great and so shitty
