Birds of the Apocalypse chapters 1-4

Chapter 1: The intro

There once was a house tucked deep into the woods in a quiet Michigan township. This house was cozy and warm. In it, lived a man always dressed in orange, the woman with the terrible voice, a little bastard of a 12 year old son, and a big-ass fuckin’ dog named Ulrich. A bunch of the same type of horseshit happened around this house as any fucking house in the area. A whole lot of sitting around watching tv, making dinner, internet surfing, blah, blah, blah. Luckily for you assbags, this story isn’t about the fucking people sitting around with their thumbs in their rectums, it’s about all the events and characters that populated the property on the other side of the window glass. The woodland and barn-dwelling fucks. There were fat ass squirrels, horny cardinals, extremely douchey morning doves, some bloodthirsty cats, there were also many other fucking animals too but you’ll just have to read the fucking story to find out what they were bitch!! However the true heart of the story focuses on a crew of Blue Jays in the area that thought that they owned the neighborhood. Of course they didn’t really own the area but if you heard how much they talked shit to everyone else you’d think they did.


The first of these blue jays was Archibald. He was the smartest of the lot, and the oldest. He was 4 years old and he was being groomed to be the king in his first 3 ½ years of fucking life before tragedy befell his father. His parents had just flown south a few months prior to escape the hatin'-ass-haters. Archibald's dad was called Archie Sr. and he used to run the tree line for years. However, after a very nasty incident last winter, when it was so cold during the night that Archie Sr. woke up and his ballsack was frozen to the tree branch he was sleeping on. He didn’t realize that he was stuck until he tried to fly down to get some breakfast, when he elevated himself off the branch all the feathers on his scrote were ripped off exposing his frostbit nuts for the whole neighborhood to see. It was a tragic event for the whole family. Archie Sr. went from being the most respected animal in the neighborhood to being a laughing stock of all the animals, even the dumb shit morning doves laughed even though they were probably too retarded to even know why they were laughing. This sent Archie Sr, into a degree of exile, and the following spring he and his wife packed up their shit and decided to fly south for retirement hoping that the southern birds would be more compassionate than the dickheads that he was surrounded by in Michigan. Before he left he told Archibald the he was now the ruler of the tree line and if any of the other birds got out of line it would be his responsibility to enforce the standard blue jay rules that usually apply in such situations. Archibald nodded and vowed to keep the blue jays in a position of power or die trying. Even though he knew that his family wasn't necessarily the royal line anymore.



Archibald wasn’t as strong as his father physically, but he was infinitely smarter, this was something he had known for quite a while after seeing his father eat about 2 lbs of pink insulation in the pole barn on a bet. His father almost died from shitting shards of fiberglass out for about a month as it tore the fuck out of his stomach and intestines. Then when it was over, he planned to eat more just to prove he was still tough. Luckily Archibald was able to talk him out of it before he repeated the bonehead task. Archibald knew that being powerful wasn’t to surround yourself with “yes men” and cronies that slob your knob all day. Just because they were more abundant and easy to manipulate didn’t mean that they were the answer to a fast track to power. His father had rows and columns full of chickadees, finches, morning doves, and cardinals at his command, among other fucks. But when it all came down to it these birds weren’t good for much in maintaining a degree of rule. The chickadees were good for surveillance missions because they were so small. Many blue jays improved their aerial moves by training with Jonesy the daredevil hummingbird. He was great at showing the blue jays how to angle their wings to take corners sharper, and improve their in-flight agility. All he asked in return was for the student to carry some nectar-rich flowers into his sleeping quarters so he didn’t have to go out for breakfast in the morning. His little bitch beak couldn’t carry anything for shit so the service was well worth giving flying lessons to some birds that would have beat his ass anyway if he didn’t do it otherwise. But other than that, the cardinals weren’t really worth much outside of their sex stories. They were the resident hornballs, always telling stories about some chick they railed the night before. Most the time the cardinals were full of shit because they were monogamous and pussy-whipped queeftards, but they had a way of degrading females enough that it gave the crew a sense of male commrodery. But seriously, every male in the bird kingdom wanted to shag a female cardinal at least once before they died so the Cardinals didn't get their balls busted as much as they should have. The Morning Doves were worthless as a bucket of poison shit. They were tubby bitches that spent their time stuffing their fat fuck faces, and complaining about the stupidest shit. If they were ever asked to do anything they’d either make up an excuse of why they couldn't, or say they’d do it, but then forget. I guess you can say that they were the neighborhood’s crackheads or welfare recipients, always wanting a handout but not willing to do anything in return. Archibald’s dad kept them around for one reason only, and that was to be the shield between the blue jays and the barn cats. If given the choice the cat would always go after a dove first simply because they were fatter, slower, dumber, docile, and pretty gay in all aspects of life. After the tubby bitch was snagged by the vicious feline, the Blue Jays were given ample time to reach safety. The squirrels were different. They were the wild cards of the woodlands. Every now and again you’d have some squirrels working with the Jays for the common good. Other times you’d find a fat bastard going it solo and pushing all the others around like the O’Doyle family from Billy Madison. These guys were probably even more of a problem for the Blue jays than the cats, simply because they hogged down all the food at the bird feeder which was the tastiest and easiest source of food in the area. Boris the Brown squirrel was the most feared of the wild animals in the area, and he sat in that birdfeeder for hours gobbling down corn and challenging everyone to a fight. Even the cats dared not mess with him. His ass was as wide as a fucking Jersey Giant Sub sandwich. His eyes were narrow and black. He moved extremely well for a beast of his size. He also kept in fighting condition by doing constant chin ups in his den as well as keeping his claws sharpened like needles and filing his teeth into points with stones to keep then sharp and ready to impale some bitches if shit jumped off.
Upon his father’s absence the community never gave Archibald much respect. Even though he was next in line to be ruler, he was never granted the title of King. The members of the Primeline just roared with laughter about his dad’s torn nutsack and how the sins of the father trickle down to the son. Jonsey the hummingbird bird said “You are destined to inherit your father’s baggage. Archibald. You were going to inherit his kingdom but upon the scrote incident, you have inherited his shame instead. I move that we install a 12 man council in place of our Monarchy and see how that works out. The Blue jays have had their day, I say we smaller birds finally have a voice too!!” Roars of “Here, Here!!” reverberated throughout the Primeline. “Wait you little fuck!!” said Archibald as he lunged at the pussy-ass hummingbird with his talons ready for blood. Jonesy easily out-maneuvered Archibald and fled to a higher branch. “You can’t just overthrow the past 30 years of the Royal line because my father’s balls froze to a tree branch!!” “You’ll still be given a spot on the council” said a Wren named David. “A council ruled by the weak is less effective than outright anarchy. I mean rules and prosperity are still important to you right? asked Archibald. Boris the giant squirrel made his presence known and spoke “The Blue jay is right, there will be no thriving in our community when chickadees and morning doves are rulers. Blue jays are the only birds around here that have a built in sense of territory, and those crazy fucks will defend it or die trying.” Look how many Jays we lost to Talon and Tyranus’ claws because they were the only animals around here with balls enough to take the fight to them.” As he said this he pointed toward the memorial wall of residents that were brave enough to sacrifice their lives to keep the cats from the polebarn at bay, 90% of which were Blue Jays. “They are reckless birds, they are members of the crow family and their ways have cost more lives than they’ve saved!!” shouted some whiny little vagina in a Finches body. The smaller birds all agreed with him, not because he was speaking facts, but more because they were excited to finally have a voice in the Primeline. So agreeing with him automatically sapped power from the Blue Jays. “Then so be it.” said Archibald, we'll try this council idea on for size but when shit falls apart, don't come crying to me. With that he exited his father's throne room and began plotting his next move.





Chapter 2
(This chapter is a fucking prequel to chapter 1. Don’t read this shit if your mind can’t comprehend that idea. I’m gonna pull a Tarantino move on you chodes and do some out-of-sequence storytelling. This is a fucking flashback to paint you a picture of the early years of Dirk and Dale and the brutal fucking tragedy that occurred in their childhood. You'll also get to know their alcoholic father, Earl the Drunkard)

Earl was a friend of Archie Sr. in fact, Archie Sr. probably did more to raise the kids into adolescence than Earl could have ever managed. The nest that Dale and Dirk grew up in was on a completely different tree line than the one Archibald grew up on. It overlooked a tavern in the woods. Actually the tavern was the only thing keeping them there, because their nest was a piece of shit…literally. It was made of dog shit and some straw because Earl was too lazy and drunk all the time to build a proper nest for his family. Apparently the owner of the tavern was a bird watcher of sorts and a fellow drunkard so when he saw Earl out on the patio drinking out of the half empty glasses of beer and mixed drinks he decided to make it easy on the local birds to get a buzz on, so he bought some cheap-ass bird bath made out of plastic or some type of polymer shit and filled it up daily with cheap beer that tasted like feet mixed with butt hole. But Earl didn’t care, the taste wasn’t as important as the effect and the effect was magical. Earl would spend hours at the birdbath sucking down piss-warm flat beer that became stale in the sunlight. One day he even got lucky. A female blue jay moseyed into the area looking for a drink of water. After seeing Earl take gulp after gulp with no lethal effects she decided the water was safe to drink even though the smell didn’t match the water she was used to. After a few big drinks she was on the moon with liquid stupidity coursing through her veins. Her and Earl stayed up until the wee hours of the night singing songs about morning doves and why they’re so lame. When they woke up the following morning she was pregnant and covered in the dog shit that made up the bulk of Earl’s home. She was ashamed of herself when she woke up and saw what a sloppy chode Earl was. But seeing how there are no abortion clinics for Blue Jays she knew she had to follow her natural instincts and hang out until she squeezed out the eggs, after that, she decided, they were gonna be Earl’s problem.



Earl was a good enough guy, he wanted to make the relationship work because this bitch was hot as fuck and he knew that all his friends would jack off to her at least once per day after they saw how fine she was, garnering Earl much high fives and ego stroking. But he had to wait until after she laid the eggs because nobody wants to show off a girlfriend that’s preggers. Plus the girlfriend had kind of an ego too. She didn’t want anyone to see her with Earl because he was such a loser. She couldn’t very well invite her friends over to eat seeds in their dog shit apartment that overlooked a decrepit tavern. So the next few weeks were spent in uncomfortable silence with Earl occasionally doing something nice for her and she would just roll her eyes or make some shitty comment about Earl being a fucknut. When the eggs were finally laid she took off and never came back just as she planned. Earl saw her fly away and tried to follow but ran into a tree in pursuit because he was drunk as shit, about .25 BAC drunk. (3 times the legal flying limit.) After he shook off the cobwebs he sauntered up to the nest and saw 5 multi-colored eggs lying in his dog shit home.
Earl was overcome with both anger and sense of purpose. Two things that he usually tried to avoid more than he tried to avoid one of those salvation army queefs that stand in front of stores near Christmas time asking for money like bum-ass douche nozzles. So Earl sat and he sat and he sat on the same 5 bullshit eggs forever it seemed like. After 10 days he started to lose his shit. He started shaking and lusting for his beer. He was so pissed at his primal instincts for not letting him leave the nest for a few gulps of liquid gold. Every time he tried to stand up, his legs were pulled back down forcing him to tea-bag the eggs until the fucking cows came home. Luckily for Earl his fortunes were about to change. “Hey guy, you pullin' wife-duty holmes?” asked a cardinal a few branches over startling Earl. “Oh thank God!” responded Earl obviously thrilled that someone could finally go on a beer run for him. “Hey douchebag” said Earl, “how about your little fairy-ass goes and gets me some beer from over there?” and he pointed toward the birdbath. The cardinal was a bit taken aback by the Blue Jays’ dick-faced nature. “I don't know who you think you are chico to be talking to a member of the Playboys like that” responded the Cardinal. Earl had no idea who the fucking Playboys were, but it did remind him how sexually voracious cardinals were. Seriously, who other than a fucking Cardinal would actually think “Playboys” was a cool name? “Hey man, I'm seriously sorry.” said Earl “I'm just so parched right now, plus my whore girlfriend laid these bastards and bailed on them even worse than Britney Spears bailed on her self respect.” and he pointed toward the 5 eggs. The cardinal stared at the eggs as Earl spoke. “I have 5 eggs here, one of them is bound to be a female, as soon as she reaches sexual maturity I'll give you first crack at her vaj. Of course, Earl had no plan on giving his daughter to the cardinal, but he could tell that he peaked the cardinals' interest. “OK” said the cardinal “that sounds good, but I have some questions.” And with that, the cardinal flew over to Earl's nest and puffed his chest out like he was a fuckin Don Juan crossed with Tony Orlando, it wasn’t very intimidating at all. In fact, it was probably about as threatening as being fronted on by Richard Simmons. He glared deep into Earl's face and said “Look here chico, I know that all you Jays think that Cardinals are pussies, in fact, I think that one of you Jays even wrote a song about it called “All cardinals are pussies, if you disagree, fuck a tree.” “Yeah that sounds like a song we'd write, sorry.” replied Earl as he stifled a laugh. “Is your house made of shit?” asked the cardinal. “Yeah only the highest quality dog shit for me and my kids, you should try it.” The cardinal laughed and said “Yeah maybe I'll try it when all the fucking mud is gone... But anyway, Here's my questions, What do you ask that I do for you, to grant me your daughter's virginity?” Earl looked at him and said “Bring me steady beer until these fucking eggs hatch!!” “How do you propose I do this?” asked the cardinal. Earl sat up for a minute and searched the yard for containers. “There!!” he exclaimed, those cracked acorn shells, fill them up in the birdbath and bring them back to me full of fucking booze to pour down my face.” The cardinal searched the yard and found what Earl had pointed out. “OK” said the cardinal you have a deal...by the way my name is Kevin, I'm the leader of the Playboys I came here searching for a new location to set up shop and take over. “Hello Kevin, I'm Earl, I hope that you can keep up with my appetite, it's that of a pregnant alcoholic I feel like I am drinking for 2 people”. “Don't worry, we Playboys always make good on our promises”, and with that Kevin flew down to the birdbath with 2 acorn shells in foot. Earl appreciated the grace that Kevin utilized while scooping his beer. Kevin dipped them into the Golden bath that Earl loved, and flew them back up to Earl without spilling a drop. Earl sucked down the ale with 2 big sips per acorn. It was after this gesture that Kevin realized that he was in for a long 7 days. Kevin kept grabbing acorn shells of booze and Earl kept pounding them like water. He started getting vocal towards Kevin saying things like, “Hey you bubba goo bum chuda chatta” and the classic drunkard quote; “I think doo bam chiddle ba-ding-dap.” It apparently made sense at the time, but Earl was definitely back into drunkard form, what with all the jibberish-speak and unproven insults. Earl had even accused Kevin of killing JFK even though Kevin was born 30 years after JFK's assassination. Kevin didn’t pay much mind to Earl he was focused 100% on the sex promised to him. Earl the drunk was enjoying his surroundings. He sat back and enjoyed the cool wind blowing the crest on the top of his head as the world spun underneath him. He was experiencing such a great body-buzz that he leaned back a little too far in his nest and accidentally knocked 3 of the 5 eggs onto the ground splattering in unison. He was hammered but he knew that he fucked up...Bad!! He sat in silence for a handful of seconds sighing, wincing, and acting like nothing happened. But after the original shock, he flew down to the cracked eggs to see if the were salvageable. The answer is: No They Are Not! 3 of Earls 5 kids are dead because Earl was so drunk that he killed them in egg form and punted their shit like a football holmes!!. Kevin flew back up to the dog shit nest “Hey fucker, you better not have killed my bitch”. Earl stared daggers into that bullshit cardinal named Kevin, but Kev kept on shooting off at the mouth like Joan Rivers at a local carnival. He was telling Earl that one of those two kids better be female otherwise he was gonna sodomize the two sons. And guess what?? The eggs just hatched you Queef-Von-Chodes. Obviously I foreshadowed they were gonna be boys, and they were named Dirk and Dale. Kevin took one look at them and smiled...he smiled evilly. Or as close to a smile that could be mustered with a fucking beak. I'm mean seriously, how can a beaked-bitch smile or express facial happiness? Maybe it's all about the crest being high or low. Jays and Cards both have crests on their crowns and use that shit as if it were cleavage, sending out buckets of sexual energy for the opposing sex. But Kevin was definitely sporting some type of cruel demeanor as he floated away with that pedophile grin. As Kevin flew away he said "Remember what I said about the Playboys, we always make good on our promises." Dale and Dirk approached Earl and asked if he was their daddy. Earl froze up, he felt like he was in a shit sundae covered in piss-nets. “Yeah” said Earl to the kids, “I boinked your mom, so I guess that makes me your Pappy-Smear for the time being.” The kids looked at Earl and went fuckin' nuts. “Yayyy!! We've got our shitbag father. Fuck all you orphans, all you orphans can suck our scrote!!” exclaimed Dale and Dirk. They were full of piss and vinegar and they wanted blood constantly. They wanted to firebomb foster kids and poke adopted kids with shards of glass. They seemed to adapt to street life and having an alcoholic father to grow up with gave them their fair share of freedom and access to booze and alcohol. But they avoided that even though their genes were pre-wired to addiction. Finally after they had kicked their dad in the dick for the 20th time he decided it was time to fly to the other side of the forest and enlist the help of his childhood pal Archie Sr. to help him with his heathen children.
Earl intentionally stayed sober for the first time in his miserable life because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to find his way back home from Archie’s otherwise. Before he left he said to his sons “Look here you little pricks, you don’t like me and I hate your fucking guts in return, but I swear to the bird form of Jesus if you dicks try to leave the nest or pull some type of hinjinx I will lose my shit and superglue your beaks shut until you die of hunger.” Dirk sat up and said, “I’d like to see you try it you hideous failure of a bird.” And with that Earl left the nest and started on his trek to Archie’s but stopped after getting a few yards away from his kids. He knew it wasn’t safe to leave them there but that wasn’t the reason he turned around. He dive-bombed the bird nest and took an extremely messy shit as he passed over Dirk, leaving Dirk’s right eye stinging with fecal matter. “I’m still the master!!” laughed Earl as he flew away.
The path was less dense than Earl had remembered it. More and more houses were being built in the forest and Earl was actually sober enough to comprehend what a horror this was to his habitat. As Earl flew over construction crews he cussed them out like the master of profanity that he was. Some of the humans looked up at Earl asking each other “What’s wrong with that fucking bird?” Earl was infinitely sad that he left his last turd at home. He would have much rather shit down one of the humans gaping mouths than teach his kid a lesson that probably would just bring upon more retaliation.
After flying for about 10 minutes Earl had arrived at his destination. He was flying from nest to nest looking for his old chum. He arrived at a tree with a large cove dug out in the trunk as he peered in to find Archie Sr. he was met with a booming voice “Halt!, don’t move you little queer.” There wasn’t much in the area that could scare Earl but when he saw the 10 lb. Brown Squirrel Boris totter out of his den, Earl had to take a few steps back. Boris was as large as a groundhog with light brown fur over most of his body but his eyes had black around them giving him a most menacing demeanor. “Holy shit, you sure are a fat fuck!” said Earl. Boris stood up on his hind legs and started flexing his arms. “Does this look like fat to you? He asked as he pointed to his biceps and washboard abs” “I guess not” Earl was forced to reply. “How did you get so buff?” “I need to be strong, stronger than the cats if I want to survive. Those cats killed both my parents and I’m gonna stomp their shit after I get to my ideal weight and desired power. Replied Boris. “But first, I need some practice!” and with that Boris lunged at Earl and punched him right in the stomach. Causing Earl to throw up foamy beer vomit all over Boris’ feet. Boris glared at Earl for a moment. “You smelly bitch, did you just puke on my feet?” Earl looked down and laughed, “Yeah I guess I did, you fascist.” As Boris wound up for another power punch he stopped short and smelled the aroma of the barf. “Is that beer?” he inquired. “Yes indeed” replied Earl. “Where did you get it?” “Ha, well I guess maybe I’d tell you if you weren’t such a cockmunch.” “But everybody knows to stay off my tree. If I didn’t make an example of you, the others would think I’m getting soft. pleaded Boris. "Then I’d have to deal with all sorts of douchey morning doves shitting in my living quarters and being first class queefs when I’m trying to sleep.” Earl looked around and saw the whole community staring at him and Boris. Earl sympathized with Boris, he knew what a waste of space the morning doves were and he wouldn’t wish their kind on anyone. “Alright man, you can follow me back home after I talk to Archie Sr. The beer is right by my nest. However, I will expect a favor from you when the time comes.” proclaimed Earl as he fixed his gaze on the monstrous squirrel. “Agreed” nodded Boris.
Just then a voice piped up from down on the lawn. “I thought I smelled pussy! I should have known it was my old drunken cock of a best friend Earl of the Beer Treeline.” Earl recognized the voice of Archie and flew down to greet him. “What’s up homo? Looks like the winter was kind to you.” said Earl. Archie struck a pose, and said “Well somebody’s gotta reflect the image that Blue Jays are still the kings around here, we can’t all drink our lives away and live in dog shit.” “Fair enough” replied Earl somewhat ashamed at his own misfortune. Archie clapped him on the back, “I’m just bustin’ your balls old friend, in many ways I actually envy your care free lifestyle…but it’s not exactly carefree anymore is it?” “Who told you that?” Earl asked. “A little bird” replied Archie. Earl looked around at the many chickadees and finches that may have been spying on him for god knows how long. “You have me on surveillance?” Earl inquired. Archie took a deep sigh and searched for the words he was looking for. “Earl, ever since you left this place to go drink your ass off until you died, I’ve been keeping an eye on you from afar. That way if you passed out in the birdbath we could keep you from drowning. If you fell out of a tree we could bring you to a place to heal before the predators got a hold of you. I had sentinels in place that could help you out of any situation because I love you like a brother. And now, I hear you have the task of being responsible for 2 sons. “ “It was supposed to be 5” sulked Earl as he looked down at his feet. “Yeah I heard about that too. But accidents happen; to be honest I was proud that you stuck with those eggs the way you did. Most male Blue jays would just say “Fuck it!” and leave the eggs for the predators, but you stuck close and never left them.” “That’s only because my instincts prevented me from doing what I wanted to do.” Replied Earl. “Well that proves that you were truly meant to be father and you need to stop being so down on yourself all the time, and give those kids the life that your father never gave you.” “Fuckin’-A Archie, you’re right. I’m gonna be ok and I’m gonna do the things I need to do for my sons to make sure nothing happens to them. Do you want to come over and meet them?” Earl asked Archie. “Sure buddy, let me go get my permission slip signed from my wife, maybe I’ll bring my boy with me if he wants to stretch his wings a bit.” And with that Archie flew up to the most elaborate tree on the whole Treeline. There was corn and sunflower seeds being delivered to his front door as a sign of respect.
Earl remembered back when he was the stronger of he and Archie. Archie was always his little sidekick, but now times had changed so much. Archie was a god amongst mortals, and Earl was a forgotten has-been bent on self-destruction. He often wondered what his life might have been without discovering alcohol, would he be happier, sadder, richer, dead? He was a wise enough Blue Jay to realize such questions only lead to more questions but no fucking answers. So he went to back to Boris’ den. “Hey man, are you ready to get hammered?” shouted Earl into the den like wild banshee. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute, let yourself in.” said Boris speaking from a chamber of the tree that Earl couldn’t see. Earl walked through Boris’ den admiring the many make-shift exercise machines that Boris had built from rock, twigs, plants, and leaves. “You’re quite the buildsmith Boris, this stuff is amazing.” He also couldn’t help but notice the names etched on the walls accompanied with shitty drawings that Earl could only assume were supposed to be cats. The names were. Talon, Malice, Bane, and there was a name Tyranus that was scratched out. “Who’s Tyranus?” Earl asked. There was a long pause and Boris came into the room blinking his right eye extremely fast and rubbing it, then he looked at Earl. Earl a bit taken aback paused, “Don’t worry it’s just some eye drops I’ve been using, they burn like a bastard” Earl gave Boris a once over and shrugged his shoulders. As Boris continued to rub his irritated eyes he began to speak. “Tyranus was the meanest of all the barn cats. Once upon a time he used to be allowed inside the human's house. The humans named him Zeke. He used to just lay around all day never bothering a single other creature. He became very enamored with the human's “films” as they call them.” One such series was called Star Wars and there was a group in it called the Sith. Now Zeke had never really had much power in his early years but something about the way the Sith went after power by bullying, outsmarting, and using their skills within the force, made something within Zekes head snap into evil. He began emulating the jedi’s and sith lords training tactics. He would try to move things with his mind. As well as fetching toys thrown by the humans while his eyes were closed to raise his sense of awareness over sight. His cruelty started to surface when he began catching mice in the basement and torturing them, and sucking their happiness out before he dispatched of them. He would only respond to the name Darth Tyranus when addressed by other animals. One time when Ulrich the big ass dog in the house refused to give him the proper respect that Tyranus thought he had earned, he launched himself at the enormous Wolfhound and scratched the shit out of his face. Ulrich had to get stitches and he avoided Tyranus at all times within the house after that. I mean can you imagine being out weighed 12 to 1 and still being able to win the fight? Well, the humans decided to keep him around for a while because the child really liked him. However, when Tyranus went after the child’s face because he made a crack about Tyranus' momma, the adults banished him to the polebarn. For weeks Tyranus sat outside the door crying to get in, but the humans just ignored him. He was cast out and forced to live the life of a beast. He let the hatred build inside him for 3 years in the polebarn. He turned that hatred into resolve. He started to believe that he could actually feel the force coursing through him. He stopped eating the dry food the humans brought to him and began only feasting on the flesh of other animals because he believed that you could absorb their strength by digesting them. “Jesus” gasped Earl. “After 3 years of exile, Darth Tyranus was granted a protégé, a female stray named Ruby. She was the most beautiful cat in the area, long fluffy white hair, carolina blue eyes, and the body of a goddess. She belonged to an old woman from down the block. When the old woman died some people came to the house to put her inside a tiny cage and take her away. But Ruby bolted out the door as soon as she saw an opening and headed for daylight. She ran and ran until she found the polebarn. When Tyranus saw her he aimed himself from the atop of some of the cross boards that supported the barn lest he be afforded to kill for pleasure and lunged down upon her. His claws extended to shred and winding up to rip the back of her fucking head off. But at the last minute she sidestepped the blow, even though the attack was from behind she could sense it with the force, or so the legend says. After that show of perfection, Tyranus took her under his wing as his pupil to study the ways of the force. She was Ruby no more, from that day forward she would be called Darth Talon.” “OK, nice back story, but why is Tyranus’ name crossed out?” asked Earl. “Because my father killed him” replied Boris. Earl burst out laughing, “Are you shitting me? A little squirrel killing a death machine like Tyranus?” laughed Earl. Boris glared at Earl before saying; “My father was very smart, and he was sick of the cats killing all of us that live on the treeline. I was a mere child and he knew that none of us were long for this world when Tyranus and Talon’s bloodlust began to became more prominent. They hunted as a pair and their cunning was too crafty for any of the woodland creatures to react properly. Rabbits, Squirrels, Birds, Woodchucks, even fuckin' Raccoons fell to their jaws and claws. It was very dark times for the area. When Talon became pregnant the whole community lost their fucking sanity. There was no fucking telling how many savage beasts would be added to the Sith army after this. So my father figured the only way to garner some type of small victory was to cut off the head and hope the rest of those son-of-a-fucks would follow. He waited patiently watching neighbor and friend die around him until finally Talon was too preggers to go hunting anymore. My father sprung into action and ran to the polebarn. I could hear him yelling at Tyranus calling him foreskin-breath and saying things like he was a tubby bitch with basket-tits and that his face looked like a AID's riddled rectum. Then I saw my father flee away from the polebarn followed by the demonic Darth Tyranus who was frothing at the mouth. He sprinted all the way through the front yard and into the road. Then my father turned and stopped right in the middle of the pavement letting Tyranus sink his teeth into his throat killing him instantly. What Tyranus' force skills didn't let him know was that there was an 18-wheeled semi-truck coming through the neighborhood right on schedule as my father had calculated. The truck smooshed Tyranus flatter than an Olsen twin's fuckin' chest. “Wow, that takes serious fuckin' balls to sacrifice himself like that, I mean the most I've ever sacrificed was 10 days of beer drinking time to teabag my whore girlfriend's eggs until the fuckin' cardinal came by to be my beer-bitch.” After Earl said this, his eyes got huge and scared. “Oh my god, I've abandoned my boys!! I've abandoned my childs!!” just like Daniel fuckin' Plainview in “There Will Be Blood” “C'mon Boris, I have a bad idea that's tweaking my shlong's grammar!!” exclaimed Earl. Boris wasn't sure what that meant, but he knew that anytime someone's shlong was tweaked or jostled it was never a good thing...unless she was hot. (LOL)
Earl fluttered to Archie's house “Hey, Hey, I gotta go! I think I'd like your help. Said an exasperated Earl to Archibald and Archie. After shaking Archie by the shoulders he took off towards the Beer Treeline or Beerline for any of you fucking readers that didn't know that it was called that already...you bitches. Anyway, Earl was heading vigorously towards home with the idea that his boys were in some type of trouble. Boris followed behind jumping from tree to tree using his athletic ability to raise him above mediocrity. Archie Sr. followed at a close distance and eventually caught up with Earl. “What's the hurry guy?” asked Archie Sr. “I just think that my boys aren't ready to be alone yet and I have some sort of paternal crystal ball telling me to go home.” panted Earl. “Alright then, that sounds completely rational” said Archie Sr as he rolled his eyes. However when they got within 200 yards Archie thought Earl might be right. He heard the screams of at least one blue jay child. The 3 of them picked up their pace and blasted through the woods like Paul Bunyan on meth. When Earl arrived at his nest he could only see red. Figuratively and literally, he was pissed as shit for certain, but he also saw red because his home was infested with those crimson queefs the cardinals, apparently not just any cardinals but the whole Playboy crew. Dirk was being held down on the branch that supported their nest by 3 cardinal fucks. He struggled to help his brother but he was too young and small to break free. Dale was being forced facedown into the dog shit nest choking on poop particles. 2 cardinals were pinning him to the nest, but worse than that was that cock sniffer Kevin. He was positioned behind Dale sodomizing his bunghole and laughing about it like a pedophile dipped in extacy. Dale screamed in pain as Kevin proceeded to be a homosexual, even though he constantly denied it. Earl sent all his energy toward sending Kevin's head flying through the air but the cardinal to the left of Kevin blocked the punch and then started doing karate psych-out shit. While this lame bullshit was going on, none of the cardinals heard the pitter-patter of Boris' feet climbing up the tree. He appeared on the branch where Dirk was being held down by the 3 cardinals and smiled. He grabbed one cardinals and snapped his neck like a cheap toy made in Tokyo, then he grabbed another by the neck and as he squeezed the ever-loving shit out of his throat, he also lunged with his pointed teeth toward the neck of the remaining cardinal causing his jugular to erupt with crimson sprinkler action. Obviously Boris was experiencing some sort of bloodthirsty rage so Earl and Archie both backed down as Boris now lept toward the nest to save Dale. Archie took this opportunity to stab out the left eye of the cardinal to the left of the action with his beak, his retina burst out hot puss as he screamed like a liitle bitch. He flew away leaving just Kevin and another Card there. Boris plunged headlong for Kevin's fucking face but Kevin dodged it and took to the air. He was fast, no doubt, but Archie gave chase anyway. This left one cardinal in the nest with 3 blue jays and 1 rabid squirrel. Who do you think would win? Yeah well, that cardinals head was stuck on a spear and used as a mailbox for the next decade if that answers your fucking question. After the nest was clear of cardinal cockswabs Archie returned to the nest and said “That little piece of donkey scrote is fast as fuckshots.” Earl ran to Dale and began apologizing to him for failing him as a father and protector. “Oh god why have you forsaken my seed!! Punish me!! I'm the failure. My boy was good! Can you hear me god? You spunk-ass Biscut Lizard!! I hope you rot, you gnome erection!!! But god never appeared to Earl that day. In fact, he wanted Earl to feel anguish until he regained some perspective. It was during this procedure that Earl found a purpose and he said to Archie sr. “Archie, I want you to raise my children on the Prime Treeline, I will do nothing but fail them if I'm their caregiver, but I can sure as shit make the world a better place by hunting down that fuckity fagtard Kevin.” “No!!” barked Boris, “They need to grow up where they were born, it is written in the Forest Bi-Laws. Archie you must tend the Primeline as you are the leader there. I will stay here and raise the boys. Teach them how to survive in this dicked-up world.” “What about learning to be a Blue Jay, a fucking bird. You can't very well teach them how to fly Boris.” exclaimed Archie. “We will meet up with you twice per week. To learn your precious birdie training and fag them down about 5 notches. They will get a chance to learn the forest on these treks, in the mean time I'm gonna make them tough as nails to keep them from having to deal with issues like butt-rumping ever again.” said Boris. Earl stood there for a second before looking at his children and said, “Well, then it's settled, my boys will be raised by a muther fuckin' squirrel. I guess it coulda been worse. You turds could have been raised by morning doves.” Outside of Dale the whole group burst into laughter just at thought of morning doves trying to do something useful. “Old friend,” said Earl as he looked at Archie Sr. “May your reign on the Primeline be long and prosperous” “Thanks vigilante man, you better come back after killing the Playboys. Your kids still need a proper father.” replied Archie. “If all goes as planned, the world will never have to worry about cardinals or my drunk ass ever again.” And with that Earl the Drunkard and Archie the Golden-ish locked wings and bowed to one another. “You have my word that I will keep watch on your sons until they are men.” Earl laughed at him and said “You have my permission to slap the shit out of them if they get mouthy.” They both laughed for a while before Archie asked Earl “Where are you gonna search for that Kevin douche?” “I figured I'd rely on eye-witnesses. I mean that dude was so dramatic, I know he likes when people stare at him so somebody will have some info. Being flamboyant is about to cost him his hollow life. Said Earl. Let's just call him a wanna-be, the equivalent of someone famous for being on a reality tv show.
Earl spent the night with his sons, and in the morning he told them to be brave and that he could somehow make up for Dale's ass-raping by torturing Kevin. Neither one of his sons cared much for Kevin so the fact that he was due for a torturing didn't bother them in the slightest. In fact, they were happy that their underachieving dad had fire in his eyes for the first time since they could remember. Earl left the nest hungry for pain.
The creatures decided to go back to the Primeline after the sun came up fully. Dale and Dirk both had some wounds that were too painful for the primitive supplies at the Beerline. Boris stopped at the beer bath before leaving because he was looking for that good morning nip.
The trek back to the Primeline was very slow. Boris carried Dale for much of the way mumbling words of encouragement to him, the poor blue jay hadn't said a word since being butt-crammed by Kevin. He just laid in Boris' arms with a blank fucking stare. Dirk occasionally flew to the ground to check on Dale to see if he was still sane. Dale would nod his head to certain questions but still refused to speak fuckin' vocally. He was traumatized bitches!! He was violated hardcore. A part of him was lost that day and odds are that he was pretty unstable and might someday snap. Yeah it's kinda accurate...maybe. I guess your ugly face is gonna have to keep on reading to find out. I'm gonna take a few minutes to insult the reader.

Hey you, ugly mess, you look like hot trash covered in vomit. I'm the author and you are a mere eyeball stare person. I think that you have weaved one too many sand baskets in your day. I don't like your nosed-faced demeanor!! I only talk to people without noses, bitch.

After Dirk and Dale arrived at the Primeline, 1 year-old Archibald studied their aggression with rising interest. They scrapped with his father and Boris like two savage cougars. Dirk was very aggressive and fluid in his movements and on more than one occasion was able to get a good beak shot to Archie Sr’s taint. Dale was training almost exclusively with “Boris the Maniacal” as they were calling him now after word spread about his savage ass-stomping of the pedo-rapist cardinals. Dale and Dirk ventured to the primeline twice a week to learn how to be birds from Archie Sr. and Archibald. But after that year was over Archibald didn’t really see them very often anymore. They lived almost exclusively at the Beerline learning how to grapple and fight with Boris as well as foraging for food. The problem with the Beerline was that it was in a shithole of an area. The ground was hardened clay so it’s not like very much grass fucking grew there, plus most of the trees in the area were dead and rotted. Therefore they didn’t really have shit for food. Green Leaves, berries, nuts, and seeds were in small quantity. This wasn’t something that really bothered them too much however, because Boris explained how Blue Jays and Squirrels were both omnivores and they could eat plants and meat. “We are very fortunate to have diverse forms of nourishment” said Boris “We don’t have much plant life but we have infinite opportunities to eat flesh. Which is probably a better source for we who want to be strong. There is much higher energy in bugs and frogs than there is in plants. Therefore you’ll be able to put on lots of mass in a shorter time.” Boris was always trying to bulk the boys up. Dirk was getting big but Dale was becoming monstrous. He was now a full grown blue jay but he kept growing larger and larger.
One day when Dirk came back early from foraging he saw Boris holding an eyedropper made out of straw and a frog skin up to the eye of Dale. After the drop made contact with Dale’s eye he started blinking extremely fast and recklessly scratching the christ out of his eyeball. “What the fuck, Boris!!” belted Dirk. “Can't you see that shit's fucking him up?” He looked deep into his brothers eye as it was oozing goo. Dirk pointed a wicked fuckin look towards Boris. “What the fuck was that slime Boris? What was it!! You monkey-lookin' bitch??!! “It's a steroid to make him stronger and better. “ said Boris. “Where the fuck are you getting roids Boris? I mean that's not some common shit in a goddamn forest!! said Dirk. “I know a Robin, and he knows a Field Mouse that lives on a farm round yonder. He gathers the supplies and brews it himself. 80% of it is made from Bull and Horse semen. The other 20% is tobasco sauce, it really kicks it up a notch!! It would add mass to anything, even your little chode of a dong” said Boris to a more increasingly agitated Dirk. “So what you're saying is that my brother is now a retarded mute taking money shots to the eyeball with donkey jizz!?!? screamed Dirk. “Actually it's horse jizz, not donkey. I have standards” said Boris with a condescending tone. “You tubby bitch!!” yelled Dirk as he got in Boris' face. “I'm sick of your bullshit you fuzzy wanker. Every single day me and Dale have to listen to you go on and on about how you're gonna save the Primeline from from the feline tyranny. Yet you volunteered to come over here to raise us at the Beerline because you know that you are a big-talking douche that's all show, and no go. You try to uphold your fathers legacy but you are a fat bitch short of your father's legacy. In fact, you don't even tickle the taint of your father's legacy. What are you gonna do with all your muscle? Probably just rot away here on the Beerline and and force your queefdom on me and my retarded mute bro-ham? Well fuck that shite Boris, and to hell with your ego!! ” Boris looked vulnerable for the first time the young jays could ever remember. “Well Dirk since you obviously know so much about me and what my intentions are, why don't you tell me what I'm gonna do next you flaky bitch?!?! growled Boris as he sneered the balls out of Dirks eyeline. “I don't know Boris, you'll probably just buckle down and do nothing just like you always do. And by the way those roids are shrinking your balls in more way than one.” said Dirk. As Dirk said this to Boris it was mere seconds before Boris was lunging with sharpened claws toward Dirk's throat going for his fuckin' jugular. Boris needed blood, and he was furious at the disrespect that Dirk was giving him. Especially because Boris was the one reason why Dirk didn't get ass-raped. He interjected and killed those cardinals so what the fuck right does Dirk have spouting his bullshit? So he quickly developed a mental picture of how he'd dismember Dirk's face and shit. Dirk braced himself for a ball-shattering bludgeon but as he winced with his eyes shut ready for the pain...he felt nothing but wind as he opened his eyes and saw his brother Dale block the blow from Boris the Maniacal. Dale stared eye to eye with Boris and shook his head in shame at the squirrels actions. Boris searched for words but none appeared to him. Dale pointed his wing toward the woods. A gesture that could only mean get your ass out of here. “You heard him Boris, you aren't welcome here anymore. I guess you better take your ass back to the Primeline and receive the inevitable feline thrashing that you keep trying to avoid.” said Dirk. As Boris slowly gathered his shit he kept looking towards Dale for some type of sympathy but Dale just furrowed his eyebrows with impatience at his surrogate father. As Boris descended the tree for the final time he could have swore that he heard Dale's voice for the first time in his life. Boris couldn't make it out the exact words but it sounded like words of encouragement. Boris had to return to the Primeline fearing death and the shame that he had brought upon himself. Dirk and Dale were to rule the Beerline for the next year until their destiny arrived in the form of an old friend.

Chapter 3: Back to present times...bitch.

Ever since Archie Sr. left the Primeline there hadn't been much leadership there. Food was less prominent, Talon and her 2 kids were becoming a feared trio that went unchecked by the Primeline inhabitants, and overall the quality of life was fading. Instead of a strong dictatorship that the community had thrived under for years, the weak council now ruled in its place. All of the most prominent species had a representative and all the votes between the lot were equal. Blue Jays, Cardinals, Morning Doves, Chickadees, Hummingbirds, etc. There were 12 councilmen in all. Archibald's stomach turned over the fact that his vote in all matters was equal to the Morning Dove representative named Reginald the Douche. Reginald the Douche did nothing more than delay results. Nobody ever paid him any respect nor did they talk to him or listen to his bullshit. But when he became a member of the council that gave him a chance to spout out at the mouth about any fuckin' thing he wanted. Every time a bill was going to be passed Reginald took the opportunity to filibuster the bill. Yesterday there was to be a bill to enforce a fine on citizens that were found shitting in the bird feeder or on the ground within 5 yards of the bird feeder in an order to keep there best food clean. But Reginald used that opportunity to give possible outcomes of a fight between a spatula and an oven mit. After two hours of speculation he finally came to the conclusion that the oven mit would win because spatulas don't have teeth. Obviously this was most douchey conclusion possible but the meeting had to be adjourned because the time was up. All the citizens used this opportunity to shit on the food as much as possible like the dicks that they were. Seeing how there was no law.
There was also a representative of the Robins. His name was Hannibal. He was a most vile and devious bird. Anything going down on the Primeline was something that Hannibal knew before anyone else. His Robins kept to the ground digging for worms and bouncing from tree to tree unnoticed. Their ears were already evolved to the point that they could hear worms moving under soil so you can just imagine how fucking easy it was for them to hear private conversations taking place in treetops. Hannibal used this knowledge for immunity, currency, favors, women, and pretty much whatever he wanted. Cardinals had a representative, his name was Juan. Juan was one of the few members of the council that didn't give Archibald a desire to shred the shit out of. Archibald didn't always see eye to eye with Juan but he knew that Juan was just trying to do what was best for the community. Today Archibald called for divebombs against any raccoons in their feeder as well as any cats that came near the treeline. Juan suggested that maybe siding with the raccoons would be a good move because they could fend off the cats and maybe even dish out some pain to Boris who was becoming much more aggressive towards birds in the last few months since he had arrived back at the Primeline from the Beerline. Archibald disagreed. “Then we become reliant on the fucking raccoons, then once we have to share our food with raccoons, the possums, rabbits, and deer will come too. Then guess what? All of the birds of this area will be the last in line for the food that's designated to us in the first fucking place.” yelled Archibald. However after some deliberation Archibald's proposal was voted down within the Bird council. Only Hannibal the Robin sided with him. The other 10 members of the council voted to enact an alliance with the raccoons. Archibald shook his head. He knew this leadership was going to be the death of them all. “Sometimes I wonder if these birds are even interested in long-term survival” said Hannibal as he stood up and left the meeting hall. Archibald followed. When the birds arrived outside of the meeting hall they were greeted by the massive squirrel Boris. “So I see all the top fairies had another one of their useless fairy gatherings. What was the topic this week? Maybe Reginald took the opportunity to discuss the benefits of eating feces mixed with food because that seems to be the decision after last weeks meeting.” Boris pushed his way through the councilmen, punching, kicking, and slapping birds upside the head as he made his way toward Archibald. The hulking Boris stood 5 inches taller than Archibald and probably outweighed him 4 times over. As many of the council members fled to their homes or fluttered to another tree, Archibald stood his ground standing chest to chest with the squirrel, and not even flinching as Boris raised his fist in a threatening gesture. Upon seeing Archibald wasn’t to be intimidated with the threat of physical violence Boris growled at Archibald. “I thought you said that you were passing a bill to punish those responsible for shitting in the feeding platform?” “That was the plan, but some members of the council are a far cry from smart and apparently an argument between Spatula vs. Oven Mit was a much more pressing issue to the community. Replied Archibald in a condescending tone. “You insolent swine. The Primeline is my home, I’m the only mammal that lives here year round. If you birds aren’t willing to uphold the quality of life for your residents, then maybe we need to vote on an amendment that mammals can act on the Council of Birds as well. Maybe if I’m there something will actually get fucking done.” Archibald began laughing as the squirrels face began turning red with rage. “What’s so funny dick!?!? Shouted Boris. “If it’s more mammals you want, then more mammals you’ll have. The council is offering the raccoons a spot in the community for protection from the cats. “What!!,” growled Boris, the raccoons? But that will just lead too…” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, possums, rabbits, deer, yadda fucking yadda. Interrupted Archibald. “Boris, I’m trying to restore some dignity to this community but I’m one vote in a council of 12. We Blue Jays are the most territorial birds in the world, it’s not in the nature of chickadees and hummingbirds to act in aggression towards trespassers. That’s why I need you Boris, I need you by my side when the time comes for our revolution. We will restore this place to a utopia again. We’ll even do something that my father never did and rule over the cats as well as the hawks in the sky.” Boris roared with laughter. “Rule over cats and the hawks? Are you fucking daffy? I gotta say Archibald, I like the way you think, but first why don’t we worry about keeping shit out of our food then we’ll work our way up to global domination.” Archibald didn’t crack a smile, he didn’t even blink as he looked at Boris’ big squirrely face. “Just say that you’ll have my back when I start cleaning house up in this bitch. Boris thought about it. “Very well, my dad always spoke highly of your father, so I’m sure he’d rather me side with a Blue Jay rather than the weaker birds of the area. “Your father was great man. He slayed Tyranus and bought the community some time to evolve a defense against the cats.Too bad his sacrifice was for nothing because this council has squandered precious time due to gay-dogging and pandering for penis compliments. Tyranus’ kids will be full-grown soon and will need to be dealt with. By siding with me you are showing your dedication to his sacrifice and we will finish the job your father started on the evil brood. Archibald said to Boris as they shook hands. “So what’s the plan?” asked Boris. Archibald fluttered up to a higher branch and stared out at the rabble that called themselves birds infesting the community. “Rounding up more muscle, said Archibald. “We need more Blue Jay talent around here. All these jays are crusty old fucks we need some new blood.” Boris looked nervous as he said these next words. “Dirk and Dale will be ready to fight, they are mean little fucks but unfortunately I don’t think they will want to fight alongside of me.” Archibald nodded, “Well I guess I’ll just have to make them an offer they can’t refuse.”
The first order of business for Archibald was to cut ties with his dad’s crew. They bailed on his father when his chapped balls were swaying in the wind so fuck those chodes, he thought to himself. So at the next council meeting, Archibald brought up the idea that he was going to hold tryouts for those strong enough to be in his crew and they would overthrow the council. He was met with roars of laughter. “Who died and made you leader?” asked an asshole dick of a chickadee. “Who died and made you leader?” repeated a big-time douche of a morning dove Reginald, obviously too stupid to think up his own question, in so, stealing the chickadee’s question. He even beamed at his brilliance after asking it like he said something profound like he was the modern day fucking Hemingway. Archibald glared at the dove for a minute before returning his eyes to the group. “My dad was king of this tree line before Jack Frost ripped his scrotum, I know that I am just as good of a leader as my dad ever was, and with time and experience I can be even better.” Jonesy the Hummingbird peeped up, “But your dad was stronger than you could ever be, how can we rely on your muscle in the face of adversity? Back when you were a kid you were always dicking around taking notes about plants like a fucking nerd while your dad wrestled and fought with that drunkards 2 blue jay boys.” I am going to meet with those two sons of a drunkard's boys right now, and ask for their allegiance to my cause. Odds are they'll be sick to their stomachs when I tell them about this mockery of council and the queefs that are running it. I’m gonna start my new crew from scratch and all you fucktards are gonna wish you signed up for tryouts when the offer was on the table, we're gonna kick you all in the dicks, and leave you for the savage feline prowlers. “It doesn't matter” said David the Wren, “3 blue jays cannot overthrow an entire government, he is barking mad. He is trying to call our bluffs” Archibald sneered at the dumb dick “I knew none of you pussies would have the stones to side with me, I just wanted to give you ample warning ahead of time. You bitches better be gone by the time I come back, or violence will be dealt to any of those loyal to this bullshit council. With that, Archibald set off to find his first 2 recruits, Dale and Dirk.
Chapter 4: Dealing with the Devil

“But sir, something about this just doesn't seem right. We shouldn't be selling out birds to the cats, they're our species” “I don't care what your conscious is telling you. Interjected Hannibal the Robin towards one of his underlings named Nick. “The only species I'm loyal to is that of the Robins. All the other birds can suck a dick. As long as Talon continues to give Robins safe passage into the polebarn for shelter, nesting supplies, and immunity what difference is it if a few finches get snagged?” “Aren't you worried about the council catching wind of this? This type of treason warrants death in the eyes of the forest.” asked Nick. “HA HA HA, that council is nothing more than a farce. Laughed Hannibal “A mere gathering of weak-minds to stroke egos and act important without actually doing anything. As long as we have Reginald the Douche in our midst, I'm not really worried about the council hearing anything outside of his worthless blathering. The only one in that council that I fear is Archibald, and he's gone to the Beerline for the night. This is the perfect opportunity for the Robins to move up a few rungs. Robins ruling the treetops without fear of the Blue Jays, Hawks, and Cardinals...we can also rule the yard and soil without fear of Cats and Squirrels. If we can manipulate Talon to our advantage just right, us Robins will be immortal!!” Nick sighed and reluctantly nodded his head in approval. He didn't want any part of shady dealing with the cats. Especially when the deals usually involved pumping the cats with injury updates around the Primeline. A couple months ago (flashback) Hannibal went to Talon and her spawn, with info that Michelle the Sparrow had injured her wing flying into a window that she thought was open air. She managed to get back into her tree for the night. So Hannibal gave the coordinates to Talon by morning Michelle was fucking gone due to the stealth and savagery of Talon. Only some feathers were left in her tree as well as 4 hungry mouths to feed. Hannibal knew that they were as good as dead anyway so he pushed them out of their nest onto the ground to let Talon's daughter Malice, and her son, Bane enjoy bird's blood for the first time in their young lives. That bought him some clout with the felines and it also showed the type of initiative that Talon could respect. “And they call us savages!?” remarked Talon as she walked by Hannibal sending a shiver down his spine. “You'd sell out your own mother for a piece of corn Mr. Robin, wouldn't you?” “I do what I need to do to for the Robins. Dead sparrows don't mean a fuck to me.” replied Hannibal trying not to shit his pants in fear. He could feel Talon's whiskers on the back of his neck and closed his eyes grimacing at the prospect of death. “Maybe some birds are worth more than just dinner.” purred Talon as she continued past Hannibal leaving him unharmed “Keep me updated on activities in the Primeline and I will give you access to the polebarn during thunderstorms for shelter, as well as any of your Robin buddies.” “What about all that straw for nesting, can we have that too?” asked a Hannibal who was gaining a bit of confidence. “Sure, we'll call it a package deal” said Talon. This is how Hannibal struck a deal with the devil cat, and his lust for power began to take shape. (back to present times bitch!!) Nick and Hannibal quietly hopped their way towards the polebarn. Hannibal occasionally stopped to dig in the ground for some slimy worms from the cool soil, however Nick was far too scared and ashamed to have an appetite. He was continuously twitching his head up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B, A, start. Like his head bobs would give him 30 fucking lives bitch!! If you don't get the reference to that joke then I guess you didn't grow up with a fucking Nintendo in the eighties...bitch!! “Why can't you just go to her??” pleaded Nick with Hannibal “I gave you the info, why do I need to go too??” Hannibal whirled around on Nick and poked him in the chest with his wingtip. “Because you piss-head, it's important that the cats know that the Robins support them as a whole, and not just me. As they were mere inches from the polebarn entrance Nick started to freak the fuck out. “I can't go in there Hannibal, it's not right, this place smells like death!!” “Quit being a vaj Nick, suck it up and do something noble for the Robins for once in your rancid life!!” screamed Hannibal.
They entered the polebarn with caution. Even Hannibal's facade couldn't withstand the ominous atmosphere that this place harnessed and he was visibly shaken with fear only adding to Nick's already shaky demeanor. The bones of mice, birds, moles, and other creatures littered the floor of the barn. Years of Talon, Tyranus, and the brood's genocide upon all the woodland creatures seemed to be accumulating by the fuckload. The humans had neglected cleaning this barn because they never really used it for shit, but the cats had turned this place into the most disturbing homage to necrophilia since the cops raided Ed Gein's house in Wisconsin back in 1957. Ed Gein was the dude that turned corpses into furniture, clothing, lamp shades, silverware etc. He was also the inspiration for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Silence of the Lambs and Psycho. 3 of the greatest horror movies of all time. Goddamn!! Must I explain everything to you tards? Shit!! Anyway there were bones everywhere. It was gross.
A whisper of a voice slunk through the darkness. It was Darth Talon, and she was singing a lullaby to her children. A quiet menace filled the room with a heart choking desperation as she purred,
“Eat those birds like you were dying
Eat those babies whilst still crying
I like hiding in your house
Peering like a little mouse
From the shadows I am creeping
Looking at you while you're sleeping
You can feel my...”
“Ahem, whispered Hannibal in a choked voice. “Darth Talon Miss?” Sssshhh. said Talon. “They have just gotten to sleep.” Nick and Hannibal looked over to Bane and Malice asleep on the worn tee-shirts and filthy oil rags that occupied the upper left hand corner of the barn. “I'm sorry my lady, I just think I have some info worth your attention. Said Hannibal. Talon went from pawing a mud puddle in disinterest to perking her ears up. “Go on then” said the inquistive feline. “By the way, here is my successor, Nick. I kinda wanted to groom the youth for our future together.” said a nervous Hannibal. Darth Talon encircled the two robins walking laps around them for what seemed like hours all the while staring daggers into Nick's eyes. “Is that right...NICK!! You wanna help the cats!?!? grilled Talon. Nick tried to open his mouth and speak but nothing more than a half pint of digested worms and raspberries came out in a frothy mess. “Heehee hee laughed Talon. “Yeah Hannibal, that's one hell of a next generation you're packin'. Hahaha!! Hannibal was embarrassed and jabbed Nick in the nuts a few times with his elbow to wake up his sane mind. “What the fuck? Hannibal? You dick, why you hittin' my balls dude? Hannibal gestured toward's the face of Talon. Nick looked in that direction, the nut-punches obviously erasing his temporary memory to see for the first time to his tard-ass brain, a hungry death-machine with crazed morals named Darth Talon. Nick jumped the length of 5 fucks in a bathtub on acid. (Your guess is as good as mine, but it was far) He fled to the upper beams of the barn. “You sick fuck Hannibal!! What have you done to us robins?? Have you made us allies to vicious savages bent on death to our shit?” asked Nick. “Yeah Hannibal, what have you done to your race?” laughed Talon. She continued to laugh as Hannibal still tried to wrap his brain around his own betrayal. Hannibal realized that he had indeed made a deal with the devil and that any deal struck within that polebarn was null and void. Most likely not due for refund. So anyway, what a douche for trusting a cat in the first place. As he contemplated his place in hell, Hannibal decided to make a break for it. He flew to a beam on the upper portion of the barn. Darth Talon was on the opposite side of the barn from him, staring at Nick. Hannibal looked up to the loft where Bane and Malice slept, they hadn't moved since his arrival. “Nick you can bolt left and get to the exit of the polebarn” screamed Hannibal. The exit was either under the sliding door or out through the hole in the upper northeast corner of the barn. Nick would chose either at this point. He fled first to the upper northeast corner but stopped feet short before fleeing because the the jet-black Bane was in the escapology gap. “Fuckin' Shit!! yelled Nick, he was petrified at Bane's ability to warp through the entire barn in mere seconds. It simply wasn't possible. He descended downward to escape through the gap between ground and door as his 2nd option for escape but was greeted by steel claws owned by Malice instead. She swiped her paw in precision, knocking Nick nearly unconscious and halfway bloody...just like your period...you bitch, LOL. Anyway, enough shenanigan's. Let' s focus.... So a half unconscious Nick the Robin is being dragged through the barn. He can see his helpless leader, Hannibal shedding tears in the upper portion of the barn looking down on him. But unwilling to sacrifice himself, like the sellout bitch that he was. He can see Bane and Malice's faces as they drag him towards their mother, Darth Talon. He was losing blood fast, but he noticed up on the sleeping platform Malice and Bane still sleeping in their beds. How could this be? His dying mouth agape sucking in every last scrap of oxygen that his earthly body would let him escape with. “How...???” was all that he could muster with his head gushing liquid crimson like a drinking fountain. Talon peered down into the face of Nick. “Decoys” she hissed to him. “Merely optical illusions!!” “Bullshit bitch!! That is obviously is more than an optical illusion. Hannibal belted as he frantically floated over toward the sleeping Bane and sleeping Malice. As his eyes achieved the desired pix elation (even spell check had issues with that word combo. I still say it's wrong but what the fuck do I know?) What Hannibal found was sheer terror. The sleeping kittens were stuffed cadavers. Apparently Talon and Tyranus had 4 kittens but 2 of them died as kittens. Instead of giving them a proper burial Talon had stuffed them with straw and twine, still singing lullabies to them like the crazy biznitch that she was-nitch. “Tommy and Maddy weren’t worthy of my bloodline.” said Talon to Nick but speaking loud enough that Hannibal could hear it too. “They had to be eliminated to maintain the high quality of product that we barn cats are known for.” “What product would that be?” shouted Hannibal as he choked back sobs. “We deal death” sneered Talon. “You psycho whore, you killed your own children because they weren’t up to your ridiculous standards?” Nick said through gurgled and fading breaths. “No, don’t be silly. I didn’t kill them. I’m their mother…Bane killed Tommy and Malice killed Maddy in fights to the death. Pitting siblings against each other just seemed slightly more biblical and poetic to me. I guess you could call me a sentimentalist in that regard. Tommy and Maddy never displayed any awareness of the force and in routine hunts they were loud and clumsy. Many meals were lost due to their flaws. However these two display powers equal to my own and by the time they are fully grown I expect them to be stronger than even their father was. Bane and Malice both reveled in that prospect. “So Nicky my boy, what is the news that you and your chickenshit friend came to tell me.” Asked Talon. Nick continued to lose blood quickly and could barely focus. Survival was more than likely out of the question but he made one last effort to break free of Bane and Malice’s clutches dislocating his right wing in the process. He screamed in pain as he frantically kicked his feet trying to spring upright and make a dash for the door but it was futile. The cats were too strong and he was too slashed-to-shit. Bane and Malice both laughed at Nick’s disposition. “Let him go!! He never hurt anyone!!” yelled Hannibal “Why don’t you come down here and take his place Hannibal.” Hannibal thought about it for a minute. “Let him go first, then I’ll come down.” said Hannibal Talon shook her head. “No you come down here first, I know what a sissy you are and you’ll just bolt as soon as release him. “ Hannibal pondered it briefly before he heard Talon say. “Too late bitch, hold him down” Bane and Malice held Nick to the barn floor face up, wings outstretched, so his red robin breast was fully exposed. She extended her blackened claw on her index finger and slowly cut him laterally across his abdomen. Then bane and Malice counted in unison “1,2,3, GO!!” Upon saying go, they both tandem punched Nick in the chest causing his entrails to fly out of him through the razor thin laceration that Talon had provided. Pieces of worms, berries, and Nicks internal business littered a 5 foot radius. Hannibal himself blew chunks all over the beam he was perched on. “You fucking savages!! When Archibald gets back the Primeline will take action on you bastards.” Talon laughed at Hannibal trying to speak between barf bursts. “Sure Hannibal, why don’t you just go tell everyone on the Primeline that you were making deals with the barn cats and selling out injured birds for scraps.” “You said you’d give the Robins immunity!!” shouted an enraged and puke soaked Hannibal. “Well then, I guess that makes you quite the douche for trusting me doesn’t it.” Laughed Talon as she played with Nick’s guts. Nick seemed to cringe at the touch of her claws. He was somewhere between the living and the dead. Ravens were the medium between the two realms of life and death and Nick could hear them coming. He welcomed the thought of the ravens carrying him to the spiritual world. He didn’t know what that world had in store for him, but even hell couldn’t be as bad as his last 10 minutes of life on earth. Nick began to speak in a whisper. “Don’t…any of you…have the fucking stones…to kill me?” Bane loomed over the face of the incapacitated Robin staring eye to eye, then exposed his fangs and bit deep into the face of poor Nick killing him instantly. Hannibal knew he was next if he stuck around any longer so he flew out of the hole in the northeast corner of the barn and made his way back to the Primeline where he was faced with quite the fucking dilemma. He knew that either he could play dumb about Nick being missing, or tell the truth and face the blood battering beat down he would receive.

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Oscar Time!! 2008 Best Picture Nominees

I love the Oscars, sometimes I think that I'm the only one. All the truly great movies are usually represented there. However, most of the public knows nothing about the top nominees. I blame stupid society. I'm used to travesties such as Adam Sandler grossing more money in the opening weekend of his latest predictable drivel than true filmakers getting the credit and money they deserve. Matthew McCaunahay movies are all shit and thank god to the Oscars for realizing this. Box office numbers don't represent quality films. So we have the Oscars to reward people for not selling out for mass box office draw. True art is recognized for 1 night. The acceptance speeches are lame the music sucks and some Hollywood personality will say something dumb and try to get political. But oh well, I still like 'em. This blog may be used as a tool to let you know a little something about 5 movies that you may have never heard of. The Nominees for best picture are Michael Clayton, Atonement, Juno, There Will Be Blood, and No Country For Old Men.

MICHAEL CLAYTON: My Grade: 4/10

I am truly in the minority on this one. I really don't see what seperates this movie from so many other films. Oscar nominee!!! Are you kidding? George Clooney plays the same role in every movie and he gets an Oscar nod?? I swear to christ if he took a shit on a cracker, Hollywood would eat it, and tell the world it tastes like heaven. I get it man, you're anti-corporation, anti-war, and really cool. I have already seen him play this character a million times. (Think of him in "Out of Sight", pretty much the same dude with a different profession)I've also seen this plot a million times and it was 10 times better when it was called "The Constant Gardener". Individuals taking down huge corporations with no experience in doing that type of thing. Also multiple plot holes and unrealistic human reactions. Maybe if I went into this film before hype got ahold of it I would have appreciated it more. As it was, I watched this film after the multiple Oscar nominations and just didn't see how it could be a top 5 film of the year. I think the only movie that was more overrated this year was "American Gangster".
The only redeeming part of this movie was the character played by Tilda Swinton as a conflicted CEO of a multi billion dollar corporation. Her character actually had layers upon layers. She moved seemlessly from being an insecure newbie to the job to calling for assassination attempts on people that got in the way of the bottom line of her company. However, we could see her pain when she had to take it to that extreme. Normally i'm a huge Tom Wilkinson fan as well but his character was not believeable at all to me. I'm sure he did the best he could with the subject matter but it didn't translate into any type of sympathy or feeling for me. After this movie I felt like I just walked out of just another movie that was based on a John Grisham novel. Some decent points but overall just more of the same.

Osacar Nominations--
Best Picture
Best Director--
Best Lead Actor-- George Clooney
Best Supporting Actor-- Tom Wilkinson
Best Supporting Actress--Tilda Swinton

ATONEMENT: My grade: 7/10

I was sucked into this movie during the first 45 minutes that take place at the Tallis residence, a very large mansion with loads of property somewhere in England. I was intrigued the way it was shot with lush landscapes, close-ups on perfectly expressed faces, and overall the way the camera just seems to draw your eye in. The soundtrack is also flawless with tear inducing piano and the percussion of a typewriter typing in rythym. (Because most of the harm in the film comes from the letters that are typed) The first 3 scenes of the film are shot twice. The first from the eyes of a talented 13 year old Briony and how she misinterprets events from seeing them from afar, or coming in late on events. The 2nd time around they are shot so we know better the actual truth of the matter. Obviously we get the feel that she is going to confide in others what she has seen which would cause much heartbreak. It all seemed to be building to a wonderful climax with great character developement being the key... Then, bam!! you're hit with an extremely anti climatic arrest and the hero Robbie is taken from from the Tallis house into a life in the military working off a debt for a crime he didn't commit. This period in the film is not shot with the same grace, and the military segments don't really add anything to the actual story. It just draws the film out longer than needed so the last 30 minutes can fit in with the rest of the film. (Even though in many ways they don't) The "true" ending is somewhat of a cop-out but Vannessa Redgrave plays her 5 minutes on camera so well that you can forgive the misleading information. In fact, it's so beautifully tragic that it actually saved me from writing a much more scathing review than I have. I still think this movie is better than most, but since it's Oscar Time, and this is up for Best Picture then I have to be more critical. Keira Knightley also delivers a good performance but I don't blame the academy for leaving her out of the Lead Actress category. I put this movie ahead of Michael Clayton but not above the other 3 nominations.
Major nominations
Best Picture
Supporting Actress-- Saorise Ryan

JUNO: My Rating 9/10

I have to admit when I saw the list of movies for that were up for any of the major awards for the Oscars, Juno was the one that I was dreading. As a general rule, I hate teen comedies (probably because they suck) but I figured a movie directed by Jason Reitman (Thank You for Smoking) and starring Ellen Page (whom I fell in love with after seeing "Hard Candy"") I figured I'd suck it up and watch it. Imagine my surprise when I not only enjoyed it, but also liked it more than "There will be Blood" which was a movie I liked before I even saw it. The soundtrack is so unique I'm not sure what you'd call it other than "Modern Folk" but it works for the film flawlessly. Juno is the most loveable character that I've ever seen in a movie. She's flawed but she doesn't care, she's transformed into a social outcast but doesn't seem to care, and she has the most unique and interesting dialog and phrases that I've ever heard in a film. 99.9% of the young actresses would have made the words seem forced and lame but Ellen is ahead of the game and blends the overwritten screenplay speech into something that actually sounds like a real conversation. Her relationship with her father and stepmother is complicated but throughout the movie it flourishes into something beautiful, as does her relationship with her ex-boyfriend/best friend/baby's daddy played by Michael Cera.
Teen preganancy isn't a laughing matter but it's also not the end of the world. Christians have spoken out on this movie saying that movies like this are the reason teen pregnancy and abortion rates are so high. I say to them if anything this will decrease abortion rates because she decides to have the child and it in no way glorifies teen pregnancy because it doesn't make sex look fun in any way and it illustrates the complications of being preggers in high school. So to the nay-sayers out there I say "It's a social commentary that makes people think, get over yourselves and let people raise their own children instead of always trying to regulate art".
I can't express how pleased I was with this film. Last year at the Oscars Abigail Breslin was Little miss sunshine but her Olive Hoover character can't hold a candle to Ellen Page's Juno. Hat's off the the screen writer too. Even the usually dull Jennifer Garner played a somewhat interesting role.

Osacar Nominations
Best Lead Actess-- Ellen Page
Best Director- Jason Reitman
Best Picture

THERE WILL BE BLOOD: My rating 8/10

Oh yes, finally after nearly 6 years my favorite director has revealed his true masterpiece. This film starts relatively slow and boring without any dialogue for the first 20 minutes or so, but the mood is definately set with one of the most ominous and evil soundtracks I've ever heard in a movie. The music keeps you forever knowing that bad things are churning. The first time I watched this movie I was wondering why all the hype? I thought maybe Paul Thomas Anderson had lost his knack for being one of the greatest directors in history. But upon the second time of seeing it I realized that the reason for the boredum was to come full circle in the end and make sense.
Daniel Day Lewis plays Daniel Plainview, an "Oil Man" as he likes to say. He talks a good game and by taking his son H.W. around with him everywhere is able to sell people on giving up their land so he can suck it dry. Although he comes across as a shrewd businessman and decent father in the first half, by the midway point the audience realizes how truly sadistic he is. He hates anything and everything. He'll kill and assault anyone that enters his personal space. Honestly, he is the biggest dickhead I've ever seen in a movie, but you know what? You can't take your eyes off the screen anytime D.D. Lewis is on it. We're drawn to him like moths to a flame knowing it will cause only pain but embracing it because we see some of ourselves in his hatred and ambition. If Daniel Day Lewis doesn't win the Oscar for Lead Actor then I will be shocked. Viggo Mortenson from Eastern Promises is the only other role that could come close but even then, Viggo hasn't been a true acting force for long enough to warrant any votes from the academy. Another noteable performance comes from the relative newcomer Paul Dano (You know him as the mute dickhead son from last year's "Little Miss Sunshine") He plays two roles. Twin brothers Eli and Paul Sunday. His Eli character is what makes the movie click. As a passionate minister and champion to his flock. He is constantly bumping heads with Plainview and seems to be the only one that will stand up to him. The whole idea of religion vs. oil isn't shoved down our throats but it is in the foreground. Too many movies try to make a point about greed, government, religion. Thank god this one just tries to be a good movie. Which it pulls off extremely well. I'm not voting for this for best picture, because No Country as I've said many times deserves it more. Plus, as I've said it didn't suck me in until 45 minutes in. The final 2 hours blew me away. I will be voting for this film to win for Best Director because Paul Thomas Anderson has earned it after being snubbed by not winning with Magnolia and Boogie Nights. At least the Coen's (No country directors) have got previous recognition with Fargo.

Oscar nominations (major)
-Cinematography
-Best Picture
-Best Director-Paul Thomas Anderson
-Lead actor- Daniel Day Lewis (75% of the votes at the Golden Globes. He's a lock. Take that shit to Vegas Holmes!!)
-Adapted Screenplay
Noteable snub- Best Supporting Actor--Paul Dano

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: My rating 10/10

Rounding out the 5 films nomintaed for best picture is "No Country for Old Men". Believe me when I tell you this one is the best of the lot. If you like action and violence, this movie has it. If you like great dialogue and character developement, it has that too. If you like symbolism and metaphoric story telling, look no further. However, if you don't make the connections with some of the symbolism, the story will not be wasted on you because it speaks to the audience on a linear level too. The 3 main charatcers all represent 3 facets of society. Tommy Lee Jones plays an old timey sherriff that works a small town in Texas. He represents the way things used to be, back when he started his carreer, cops didn't even wear guns and he constantly reminds us how he has no capacity in his mind for the brutallity that humans are capable of doing to each other. He realizes evil is spreading throughout his community and there really isn't a whole lot he can do to keep it in check. This "evil" that he constantly alludes to is represented in it's purest form with the role played by Javier Bardem. His character is named Anton Chiggurgh some might say he has principles that transend money, compassion, and human nature in general. He kills without much thought, usually letting a coin flip decide the fate of the innocent people that stand in his way. He does it with style too, strangling a man with handcuffs, a silenced shotgun and his "cattle gun" which consists of a propane tank hooked to a hose that shoots out a small metal rod and sucks it back in therefore leaving no exit wound or bullet to be traced to him. It also comes in handy for breaking into houses because the power it has can blow dead bolt locks right off the door. He is nominated for best supporting actor but he's in the film enough that he easily could have been nominted for lead actor. As it is this way works out better because he will easily win supporting and that leaves Daniel Day Lewis being a lock for his role in "There Will be Blood". The 3rd and most important role is played by Josh Brolin. His Lewelyn Moss character displays a quiet no nonsense approach to life. While hunting in the desert he tracks some deerish looking animals to a drug deal gone terribly wrong. Dead mexicans, pitbulls, and a whole truckload of heroin. He also finds about 2 Million dollars in cash, providing the catalyst for the plot. He needs to escape from Chiggurgh with the money as Tommy Lee Jones tries to find him alive. Sounds pretty basic, but the Coen Brothers do such a masterful job of directing that we are constantly enthralled in the cat and mouse chase that never relents. This will be the only film of 2007 that will get a perfect 10 out of 10 rating from me. Even the great films this year still had shtortcomings. But not this one, easily the best movie I've seen in a while. I plan on buying the book by Cormac McCarthy. Usually the book is better than the movie, and if that's the case with this one, that'll be a good damn book!!

Major Oscar Nominations
Best Picture
Best Directors-Joel and Ethan Coen
Cinematography
Best Supporting Actor--Javier Bardem
and a shit ton of lesser awards such as editing, sound, adapted screenplay, etc.

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"Bug" A new twist of the Horror Genre

Now obviously I haven't read every review on "Bug" but from what I have read, nobody seems to get what this movie is about and it's pissing me off because they seem to be watering down how powerful of a story and character study this truly is. *spoiler alert* Don't read if you haven't seen this movie yet!!!

This movie is about crystal meth and the effects it can have on people. It also deals with co-dependant psychosis that is common in meth addicts. It was disguised as cocaine in the movie to avoid being obvious as to what was really going on. But Ashley Judd's character was also a meth cook evident in her grocery supplies. I can see why people might be upset, movie goers that were expecting a piece of trash like "Cabin Fever" or "Eight Legged-Freaks" were actually treated to something more real like a "Requiem for a Dream" meets "Spun". I can see how that would make a person with an IQ of 15 or less, a little mad. (Go watch Pirates of the Carribean next time you unoriginal bastards)
I didn't see this movie in the theatre, but I just rented it over the weekend and I was able to watch it a couple times. The first time I saw this movie I thought the charcters were just plain crazy, but upon seeing it for the second time, the fact that this was a meth movie was so obvious.
Early in the film Ashley Judd's character Agnes goes to the grocery store and buys no food just certain household chemicals such as Drano, some kind of cleaning chemical, and Liquor. Meth heads rarely eat food, also evident when Peter picks them up breakfast and they barely touch the muffin that he bought for both of them to share. Goss' character (Agnes' ex-husband) mentioned on more than one occasion that Agnes had gotten thinner since he last saw her. Meth rots your teeth, that's why the earliest form of discomfort came from Peter's tooth. Next comes the chemical burns and constant picking at your skin to make you look like the walking dead. The sores and lesions were burns and and self mutilation. Not to mention that bugs on or under your skin is one of the most common side effects of bad drugs
If you've never been around people that are "spun" (a word to discribe a multi-day meth binge without sleeping for days) then I can see how you might think the acting was over the top. However, the paranoia is really that bad. I've known people like this and it's a tragic situation to be around. Conspiracy theories run rapant, usually its the cops that are everywhere, not the military but since Peter actually did have history in the military, his conspiracy theories are far more sinister than simple cops outside the door.
Peter was a mentally unstable meth addict that found someone that cooked meth and that he could stay with and have all the meth he wanted. Agnes was a broken woman with no sense of joy, and being in close quarters doing drugs with a madman was the only thing she had to hang onto after the loss of her son 10 years prior and an abusive ex-husband always threatening her. She follows Peter down the path to destruction and finds anyway to make Peter's theories make sense, no matter how far fetched. The sybolism used to illistrate that fact was done ingeniously when Peter leaves her during the night but then comes back and tells her the story of the doctors doing experiments on him in the military. The whole time Peter is telling the story from his side of the door we hear a survelence helicopter near the motel but when the camera is showing Agnes locked inside the bathroom we hear no helicopter. However, by the time that he is done telling his story we see Agnes shed a tear, and tell him she doesn't want him to go, and right after that we can hear the helicopter inside the bathroom with her now. This is great way of illustrating that she is now willing to follow Peter into his path of self destruction and insanity.
The Doctor at the end of the film represented the only thing that could restore Agnes to her right mind but when Peter kills him, it was the same as killing Agnes. The ending is painfully beautiful. They complete their mental transformation into the Drone and Queen bug. In their minds they light themselves on fire to save the human race because if they burn themselves and the motel then the bugs cannot escape into the world and infest other people. You can't help but feel for these characters. I normally don't like anything Ashley Judd does but this was far and away the best character developement I've seen in a movie since Eric Bana's character in Munich. The story of Agnes and Peter is one that I will never forget.
One knock I've heard on this film is that "It isn't scary". But for someone with a friend or family member that is actively using methanphetymine, this film is scarier than Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Psycho put together. 3 Thumbs up!!!

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My spiritual journey: Christianity to Godnostic part 3 of 3: Walking through Hell to find peace.

When I left you last I was jobless, I had to move back in with my parents, I had just been dumped by Katie, and I was drinking constantly. Obviously, I can't blame all of this on my new found Atheism, but I think it was the final nail in my coffin to a full-blown downward spiral. I continued to write tortured poetry, and flaws of the gnostic religions. After I found out that Katie was already hooking up with guys within a week of our breakup I became extremely depressed. She was already in the process of falling out of love with me before the breakup, so for her it was an easier transition. I would have been fine if I thought she was just sitting around the house feeling sorry for herself like me. After being her everything, I felt that I must not have mattered as much to her as I thought. There was even a day when suicide didn't sound like a bad idea. Now that I had no fear of hell, what's the worst that could happen? Eternal sleep? That would have been fine. Then I snapped out of it and figured that I needed to stop being a pussy and letting someone else have control over my emotions. She is a great person, and I learned a lot about relatioships and love from her, but it was time to move on.
I didn't want to find a new job and work 9 to 5. I just wanted my bed, my bottle, and my pencil. I was in a rut and things needed to change. But ya know what they say about alcoholics, before it gets better, it has to get worse. Buckle the fuck up, this was a bumpy ride!!

My parents were cool about me moving back in but they still wanted me to get a job so I could pay some rent and keep up with my car payments. I milked that out for a long time by posting resumes on Monster.com and never checking the results. After a while I think I took my internal clock out of any type of work-like schedule. I was staying up until 6 or 7 in the morning and sleeping in until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. It was pretty patheitc waking up every morning knowing I hadn't done shit for yet another day. After a while I started running out of excuses for why I was always home and never looking for jobs so I took my show on the road. I packed up my Hyundai with a chair, cooler, cd's, and a backpack full of literature and notepads. I'd go to different parking lots in Williamston and sit in the passenger side of the car read, write, and drink. I would always get bored just sitting there so I decided to move my party over to the Meridian Mall. I spent many an afternoon in Schuler's books as I numbed myself to everything and focused on hypocracies. This atheism was giving me freedom, the freedom to go ahead and live life without consequence. Then "consequence" happened. After knocking back a pint in Schuler's I decided to go to Ruby Tuesday's and watch the '04 presidential election. While there, I had some more drinks and left. Apparantly when I left I was visually drunk because a security guard followed me out to my car and as soon as I put the key in the ignition he asked me to step out of the car. I blew a .23 BAC and had to do a couple days in jail and plenty of probation and fines. Not long after that I got a ticket for "disturbing the peace" because I ran from a cop when I was leaving a party. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I must have just thought it would have been funny. I got about 20 yards down the sidewalk until I derfed-out right on my face. The cop then put me in a wicked-fresh cross-face chicken wing. The most embarrassing thing that I ever did occured at a track meet. I was sitting in my lawn chair in the woods behind the Williamston Football field and Track. It was the first beautiful day of spring and I just wanted to be out in nature for the day. When I heard the PA start announcing the field events my mind traveled down memory lane. I was on the Williamston Track team in high school so I wanted to hang out with old coaches and former teammates that were currently coaching. I wanted to re-experience the atmosphere that I loved to compete in while in high school. There was only one problem, it was 5 O'clock pm and I had been drinking since 11 am. Therefore, I proceeded to make a complete dildo out of myself in front of peers, parents, athletes, and worst of all the coaches that I respected so much. Before long someone had called the cops and they had me escorted off the premises. Luckily I didn't get a fine, but I should have. I still worry that I will see one of those coaches in the grocery store someday and I will be too embarrassed to even walk up and apologize. I was disgusted, I stayed in bed for a day deliberating if the path that I was on spiritually was working out. Obviously it wasn't. I wanted to save myself from that type of embarrassment from ever happening again. So I vowed to hit the job search hard and limit my drinking to weekends. The money that I had saved was pretty much gone. I figured I'd do that after May 19, 2005. May 19 was the opening of Star Wars episode III and me and some of my dork-ass friends wanted to go tailgating at Celebration Cinema and go to an afternoon show after we had some drinks. After I had been there for about a half hour I got calls from both of my friends saying they couldn't make it. I figured I was already there and already had a fifth in my possession, so I decided to go it alone. I drank most of the fifth in the car and by the time I got into the theater I was on a different planet. I plopped myself into a chair and passed out about 5 minutes into the movie. I woke up just in time to see the credits. (that was $8 well spent) As I walked to my car I finished up what was left of the fifth that I had poured into my $5 cherry coke from the theater. I got in the car and everything seemed ok, but by the time I got onto the expressway things were not cool at all. It was crowded, raining, visibility was low, and worst of all, I was seeing double. I knew that I had to get off the expressway. I started getting so scared that I wasn't gonna live past the night. I wouldn't have the opportunity to do any of the things in life that I was so passionate about accomplishing. I started praying to a god that I had denied and and mocked. I was looking for anything to help me through. I don't know if a higher power intervened but simply by praying calmed me down and helped me focus on the task at hand. I got off on the Okemos exit and parked at Big Boy I racked my brain as to who I could call. I tried many of my friends and I got many voicemails. I didn't want to drive all the way back to Williamston so I went to anyones house I could think of in the area. I just wanted a place to sober up and crash for the night but every apt, house, or condo I went to was empty. Nobody was home and I had checked at least 7 places. Finally I decided that I needed to get home before it got too late. As I was driving down Beech st. in East Lansing I was playing with my radio and crashed into a telephone pole going about 15 miles per hour. I couldn't get it off the curb so I fled the scene because I knew I couldn't pass the breathalyzer if the cops showed up. I ended up sleeping inside a garage of a house that I lived at with my friends Kortney and Jason. Soon enough I woke up to a flashlight in my eyes, the cops apparantly tracked me with a scent dog from the accident site. That was DUI #2 and this time it didn't fall on deaf ears. I was actually somewhat relieved that I was being forced to take some steps to getting my issues taken care of.
I was in jail for a little longer this time. The first thing that I did when I got to jail was ask my mom to start looking for some in-patient rehab facilities. I figured if I told her that while I was so low emotionally. I couldn't go back on it after I got out. Jail was crazy this time around. I had a really scary roomate and he snored like a bear, every time I kicked his bed to get him to shut up he would threaten to kill me. What a tool!! I passed my time in jail reading Atheism: The Case Against God by George H. Smith. He made some good points to show flaws of religions. But after reading some of his opinions, I realized how hypocritical the Atheist viewpoint is. This smug bastard was so full of himself for apparantly having all the answers to everything. He was guilty of the same "faith" that he was attacking religious people for. If an atheist has the absolute faith that there isn't a god, isn't that the same thing as a christian that has absolute faith that there is a god? I think so, considering neither are proveable one way or the other, but they both debate like their views are facts. One of them is wrong or maybe they are both partially right or wrong who knows? The worst part is I knew that I was guilty of these douchebag crimes. This is when I read in Mr. Smith's book about what he called "weak atheists" also known as agnostics.
I was intrigued as I started to read about what the agnostics believe and it made me feel stupid that I was 24 years old and their views were honestly the only thing that made sense. I couldn't believe that it took me so long to embrace something that was so obvious. Agnostics believe that God is unknowable in this lifetime on earth. Maybe there is a god, maybe not. Since it is unprovable why debate about it like the christians and atheists? Why kill for gods in Holy Wars when you have no solid basis to take another's life other than a 2000 year old book? After getting out of jail I had all these ideas as to what I wanted to do with myself. I relaized I did want to go back to work and actually get on a regular schedule. My mom showed me some of the places that she was looking at for rehab and the best one for the cost and statistics was called Sundown M. Ranch in Yakama, Washington. I was excited as hell, not only was I gonna be getting some much needed maintenanece but I was also getting a chance to fly out to the west coast and hang out in the Yakama Valley.
I flew out there in June, it was a 27 day program. The schedule was strict but I loved it. I'll go into this whole rehab experience in depth in another blog because I can't do it justice within the context of this article. I will just touch on the spiritual aspects. In most recovery programs there are the 12 steps. In this program we were to complete the first 5 before we left. I had no problem with the first step which was admitting that I was out of control. I had no fear of steps 4 and 5 either. But steps 2 and 3 just didn't seem right. Step 2 is: "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". Step 3 is: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." What kind of shit is that? So here I am an agnostic, who not even a month before was a devout atheist fighting off the myth of God on the frontlines, and I'm supposed to just change everything I believe in because I drink too much? I was too educated on religion and the idea of god to simply be scared into believing in whatever the counselor told me. They would find loopholes around the wording and say "your higher power doesn't have to be "God", it could simply be that chair over there." I would look at them and be like "How can that chair give me the inner strength to stop drinking?" They obviously had no answers for that.
It was crunchtime, I had finished my first step and tommorrow it was my turn to do the 2nd and 3rd steps. We had worksheets that we needed to do before we went to class and officially did them. These worksheets had a bunch of questions about our "God" and I had no answers. After becoming frustrated with the whole thing I decided to go outside at dusk while there was still some light outside. As I was walking around the beautiful complex I looked around at all the mountains and cliffs that surrounded me. The sky was shades of purple, orange, and pink. The temperature was 70 degrees with a slight breeze. Everything about this night was perfect. I walked over to the white picket fence that surrounded the facility and looked up towards the face of a cliff. There was a hawk gliding in the air on a current and although we were more than a mile away from one another I felt connected with it. It was just hovering their high in the air looking right at me. A feeling of euphoria filled me up. Actually to be honest, I felt like I had been inhaling nitrous oxcide (laughing gas). I just stood there and smiled at the fact that I finally felt some type of supernatural force come into my life. I knew that the God in the religious books was not the god that worked for me. I wanted something I could see and feel. I chose "nature" and all of god's creations to be my higher power. Ever since that day, I haven't had a day where the beauty on this planet hasn't absolutely blown my mind.
Now that I knew that I had a higher power it was time to work on my other issues. Not necessarily my drinking, but my mindset as an alcoholic. As an alcoholic I lived life as 2 different people. The person that I wanted people to see me as, and the secretive and unthuthful person that I was when I was alone. I got very good at calling people's bullshit in our group sessions at the Ranch and I started to just spill my guts to complete strangers about things I had done that none of my friends or family members knew about. It was very freeing, and I was liberated with how much better I felt by just telling the truth, instead of trying to give into my facade. Halfway into my time at Sundown Ranch I was leading our group meetings. I was also the guy people came to for help with their assignments and steps. After finishing that program I felt like I could do anything. I started going to AA meetings and slowly but surely I became numb to any types of negative feelings. After being in recovery programs for months as well as my time in jail, I heard so many stories of abuse, rape, child protective services, vehicular homocide, and every single other attrocity that can happen to people. I just lost the ability to be sad or upset about anything. I have been so blessed on this earth. I was born in America, I grew up on a lake, I have the greatest parents in the world, I have don't have any physical or mental disabilities, I have great friends, and I've had all the opportunities and advantages that anyone could ever need, and the cherry on top is a job and coworkers that make my carreer enjoyable everyday. There is no need to worry about the things that we have no control over. All we can do is enjoy life to the best of our ablities and do positive things for our fellow man and environment.
I still referred to myself as an agnostic for quite a while simply because there was no term in exsistence for what I really was. I was somebody that believed in a God but not in the context of any of the Holy books. I like to believe in an afterlife, but that's something that is completely unproveable as well. I will continue to try and live life as a good person and when I die if there is a heaven, I hope to go there. There can only be good to come out of a society if it's individuals believe that helping their fellow man can grant them passage to paradise. Atheists will probably call me gullible, but that's fine. I believe god communicates through different frequencies with everyone including the Atheists. It keeps our society diverse in faith as well as scientific progress. So what to call my new rligion, agnostic was simply too neutral. If my belief in god was a glass it would be at least 75% full. I was talking on the phone with my friend Andy one day and we were discussing my beliefs and Andy came up with the term "Godnostic". I liked it because it was pro-god but I still leave the possibility open that there may not be any divine creator because, if our belief in god is simply because we believe that nothing can be created without intelligent design, then what intelligently designed god? If you response is: God simply "is", then wouldn't that mean that the universe could just exsist? However, that is more philosophical than spiritual. I choose to believe, it makes my life more enjoyable. I've studied up on religion and I have honed it to custum fit my life and personality. I plan to keep Godnostisism very broad and flexible. Other religions have suffered by trying to sharpen and make too specific certain translations. Christianity has been broken into 2500 pieces which is pretty amazing considering they are all studying out of the same book!! Flexibility is the key.
I have a long way to go on my path of life. I'm not gonna turn this into an after school movie, because I do still drink on occasion. However, I only drink on weekends and usually even that is just Friday night. I'm an alcoholic and I enjoy drinking. I havn't been in any trouble in 2 years, and when I drink it's more of a social thing than a "drown my pain" kind of thing. It's not perfect, but I'm living my life and enjoying every second, when it all comes down to it isn't that experiencing the glory of God's greatest gift- Life?? Hope you enjoyed the 3 part series that has given a glimpse into some of my darkest and most uplifting experiences. Till next time, your favorite, and mine-- Tabor

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My spiritual journey from Christian to Godnostic. Part 2 of 3: Breaking Free

Here we go again, part 2. I explained in the first blog that I became a christian by default. I never questioned what my parents told me in the ways of religion. However, I wasn't active in any capacity in that religion for another few years. My mom and I didn't start going to church regularly until I was in 4th grade. I think she waited that long because she didn't want to be one of those annoying parents that bring their really young kids to church that cry and throw temper tantrums throughout mass. Those types just end up pissing everybody off. Especially because those kids aren't even paying attention they're just there to ruin everyone's experience. My Dad never attended church with my mom and I because he was a protestant and we were going to a catholic church. (I think it's because he just didn't want to go, I didn't blame him) I think I enjoyed the idea of church for about 3 weeks, then it kinda went downhill. Christianity worked for me when it was purely about faith in Jesus and the afterlife but I hated church. I hated the fact that I had to wake up early on the one of the few days I got to sleep in. I didn't understand why mass averaged out to an hour and 15 minutes when it was an hour of the same shit week to week with a 15 minute sermon. People droning on with the same chants and responses to the preists words, most of whom were comatose and reciting words out of habit rather than actually understanding what they're saying. Sit, stand, kneel, stand, kneel,sit anyone who has been to a catholic mass can relate to this. Does god really care how our body's are positioned as we worship? Maybe when we kneel it sends out some type of dogmatic frenquency through our vocal cords and that's the only frenquency gods ears can hear. I still don't see why church had to be so repetitive. I listened to the sermon because that was the only thing that I got anything out of. It was a man interpreting the bible to draw parrallels to today's world, and that's actually effective and enlightening at times.
I also had to go to church school (CCD) that meant going to church in the morning on sunday, coming home, watching some football then right in the middle of the afternoon game I had to go right back to the parrish hall for a 2 hour class about the bible. This was a class taught by parents that didn't have teaching degrees. They just kinda winged-it and added their own little spins on every little thing. Needless to say, I never got into it. After being involved with that for 3 years I finally told my mom that I didn't care what the punishment would be, but there was no way in hell I was going back for my 8th grade year. I would have been able to be "confirmed" if I would have stuck with it for one more year but I couldn't handle it anymore. My mom wasn't thrilled with my attitude towards CCD but she understood.
In 10th grade, I moved from Byron to Williamston. The 2 towns were only about 25 miles away from one another but there was a huge contrast between the two. In Byron, I was only kid out of all my friends that had to go to church. In Williamston, almost every single one of my friends attended church. Even by surrounding myself with people of faith it didn't do anything for my steadily declining respect for the catholic church. I still considered myself a christian throughout this period, but attending church was by far the least favorite thing in my life.
Finally when I turned 18, my mom told me that I no longer had to go to church if I didn't want to. I felt bad that she was going to have to attend alone but I was ready to be done with church forever. I was happy to have my faith in Christ without having to conform to the bible's rules, attend church, or water my faith down with ritualistic BS. Luckily I didn't have to wait very long for my guilty conscience to stop pestering me to go to church with my mom because she just stopped going. One Sunday I came upstairs and saw my mom sitting on the couch reading a book during mass hours. I asked her why she wasn't at church and she told me that she hadn't went to church for the last couple weeks. I felt responsible somehow, maybe she stopped going because she didn't have anybody to go with. She went on to tell me all about how they were taking a collection plate around the church asking people to donate money to help the pedophile preists pay for their court fees. After that, I don't think that either of us ever set foot in a catholic church again. But that's fine, my mom and I have both grown so much stronger spiritually without the churches help.
About a week after I graduated from high school I started dating a beautiful young lady named Katie. Katie was everything that I wanted in a girl. Kind, gorgeous, smart, well mannered, and funny. She made me wanna be someone that I knew in my heart I wasn't. She was a 4.0 GPA student in high school with plenty of faith in Jesus, she was drug-free and a virgin. I basically got by with a slightly higher than a 2.0 GPA, my faith was shaky at best, I smoked pot on a daily basis, and I was not a virgin. But we loved each other and I hid much of my baggage from her. She ended up getting me to go to church again. Her mom was a hardcore christian, the type of lady that only listens to music that's christian themed. Her faith is everything to her, but inside her heart she is very depressed. She tries to make that pain go away by doing anything and everything for her family and friends, but she neglects herself in the process. Katie wasn't quite as gung-ho about church as her mom. She liked to sleep in as much as I did so we definately missed church more than we attended. When we did attend we started going to a nondenominational church because we were both disgusted by the catholic church that we attended in high school. The nondenominal church was the best christian stronghold I had ever been in. The people actually seemed to enjoy themselves, they laughed, danced, sang, and "felt the holy spirit" Although I never got into the cheesy christian rock I liked this church because it wasn't repetitve. Every week was different, if the pastor forgot something, no big deal, he'd do it next week. It felt more spontaneous and "from the heart" than Catholic church. Kate and I attended sporadically for the next few years, and it was fine. I liked the pastor and he actually gave me advice I could apply to my personal life. It's also kind of funny that the one pastor that actually got me to listen was also the one that started me on my journey away from christianity. I think maybe if I would have paid attention in church or CCD when I was younger I would have come to these conclusions earlier. Since I paid attention to Pastor Brad, I realized that the majority of these stories that he was referencing from the bible were not historically accurate, scientifically accurate, nor logical in the slightest sense. I was told the story of Jonah and the Whale and nearly burst out in laughter in the middle of the service. I started viewing the bible maybe not so much a text meant to be taken literally, but more as a guide to living a better life through stories and parables. (B.I.B.L.E. "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth") This made me thirst for knowledge, and therefore I did what very few christians do...I actually read the friggin' BIBLE!! I was intrigued with finding the truth about Jesus. I was a little taken aback when I found more detours, absurdities, and flat out hogwash the further I read. I wanted so desperately to believe in God and Heaven but to no avail. I started becoming skeptical and questioned everything faith-related. One night when I was 23, I was sitting in the living room watching Larry King Live. He had on a guest that looked familiar but I couldn't put a name with his face, this guest ended up being Bill Maher. He was very bold and unapologetic towards christianity, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I figured people would have been calling in to yell at him or threaten him with fire and brimstone, little did I know what a strong following he had. He was funny, but more importantly he was logical and intelligent from a common-sense perspective. He had a way of making the biblical doctrines sound so ridiculous that only a moron would believe them. He spoke the words I wanted to hear at that point in my life. I started slowly leaning towards atheism.
While Katie and I were living together I started bringing home books on atheism. I was still too much of a pansy to tell her that I wasn't a christian anymore so I made up some excuse that I was simply using these atheism books to get a different perspective than the christian perspective I had been fed my entire life. (Which was true in a sense) I also just assumed that all the great minds in the history of the world were christians. I thought words like Atheist and Heretic were the same thing as pure evil. As I researched I found that Atheism was no more than the absense of belief in god and that heresy was actually a beautiful thing. Heretic comes from a latin word that means "choice" . A heretic is nothing more than someone who chooses a different religion than the prominant one in their society. Therefore in the middle east a christian would be considered a heretic. As I did research I realized that the majority of the great minds in the world were Atheists. (Stephen Hawking, Ben Franklin, Isaac Asimov, Fredric Neitze, Karl Marx, Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, Magellan, Karl Sagan, Thomas Jefferson, Voltire, etc.) They all had expressed varying degrees of Atheism but all of them were 100% against the church. I figured if all the smart people of history were atheists then I wanted to weild that type of intellectual superiority over everyone. I basically became a flat-out asshole. I was one of those guys that would go into christian and muslim chat rooms and talk down to them about their faith. I statred being more open about my beliefs and I would debate people at work or in social settings to point out the flaws of their beliefs. I was so happy to be learning something, I wanted to flex my new found brain muscles over the weak minded. Since there was no consequence to my shitty attitude I basically started drinking everyday. I enjoyed knocking back shots of vodka as I read book after book on religions, governments, and philosophies. I started writing heavily. I wrote poems, short stories, 100 pages of a screenplay, chat rooms message boards, and anything else that was in the line of fire from my new found passion for knowledge. Due to the fact that I was in constant state of intoxication and high and mightiness, my relationship with Kate started falling apart slowly. It was a couple months coming when we finally broke up. I can't blame her, I always thought she was out of my league anyway.
I moved back home with my parents and continued on my search for knowledge. My drinking got worse and with all the pride I felt for finally breaking the shackles of christianity. I started becoming a person that I hated. The more I learned, the more I became jaded until their was nothing left but a guy that based his entire life around drinking and debating, nothing else mattered. I stopped going to my job and I guess you could say I was in a temporary state of depression. I guess ignorance is bliss, and I was much happier living in an artificial bubble than while I was exposed to my new reality. I had a long way to go spiritually and personally to get me back on my feet. Stay tuned to find out if I survived or not in the next edition of "That Tabor Guy". Oh and here's a list I found on the internet of biblical contradictions back in 2003 that steered me towards Atheism. Some are petty, but some are still pretty prominant. I would definately like some feedback from my christian readers regarding some of these claims. Till next time, your favorite, and mine-- Tabor

1. God is satisfied with his works
Gen 1:31
God is dissatisfied with his works.
Gen 6:6
2. God dwells in chosen temples
2 Chron 7:12,16
God dwells not in temples
Acts 7:48
3. God dwells in light
Tim 6:16
God dwells in darkness
1 Kings 8:12/ Ps 18:11/ Ps 97:2
4. God is seen and heard
Ex 33:23/ Ex 33:11/ Gen 3:9,10/ Gen 32:30/ Is 6:1/
Ex 24:9-11
God is invisible and cannot be heard
John 1:18/ John 5:37/ Ex 33:20/ 1 Tim 6:16
5. God is tired and rests
Ex 31:17
God is never tired and never rests
Is 40:28
6. God is everywhere present, sees and knows all things
Prov 15:3/ Ps 139:7-10/ Job 34:22,21
God is not everywhere present, neither sees nor knows all
things
Gen 11:5/ Gen 18:20,21/ Gen 3:8
7. God knows the hearts of men
Acts 1:24/ Ps 139:2,3
God tries men to find out what is in their heart
Deut 13:3/ Deut 8:2/ Gen 22:12
8. God is all powerful
Jer 32:27/ Matt 19:26
God is not all powerful
Judg 1:19
9. God is unchangeable
James 1:17/ Mal 3:6/ Ezek 24:14/ Num 23:19
God is changeable
Gen 6:6/ Jonah 3:10/ 1 Sam 2:30,31/ 2 Kings 20:1,4,5,6/
Ex 33:1,3,17,14
10. God is just and impartial
Ps 92:15/ Gen 18:25/ Deut 32:4/ Rom 2:11/ Ezek 18:25
God is unjust and partial
Gen 9:25/ Ex 20:5/ Rom 9:11-13/ Matt 13:12
11. God is the author of evil
Lam 3:38/ Jer 18:11/ Is 45:7/ Amos 3:6/ Ezek 20:25
God is not the author of evil
1 Cor 14:33/ Deut 32:4/ James 1:13
12. God gives freely to those who ask
James 1:5/ Luke 11:10
God withholds his blessings and prevents men from receiving
them
John 12:40/ Josh 11:20/ Is 63:17
13. God is to be found by those who seek him
Matt 7:8/ Prov 8:17
God is not to be found by those who seek him
Prov 1:28
14. God is warlike
Ex 15:3/ Is 51:15
God is peaceful
Rom 15:33/ 1 Cor 14:33
15. God is cruel, unmerciful, destructive, and ferocious
Jer 13:14/ Deut 7:16/ 1 Sam 15:2,3/ 1 Sam 6:19
God is kind, merciful, and good
James 5:11/ Lam 3:33/ 1 Chron 16:34/ Ezek 18:32/ Ps 145:9/
1 Tim 2:4/ 1 John 4:16/ Ps 25:8
16. God's anger is fierce and endures long
Num 32:13/ Num 25:4/ Jer 17:4
God's anger is slow and endures but for a minute
Ps 103:8/ Ps 30:5
17. God commands, approves of, and delights in burnt offerings,
sacrifices ,and holy days
Ex 29:36/ Lev 23:27/ Ex 29:18/ Lev 1:9
God disapproves of and has no pleasure in burnt offerings,
sacrifices, and holy days.
Jer 7:22/ Jer 6:20/ Ps 50:13,4/ Is 1:13,11,12
18. God accepts human sacrifices
2 Sam 21:8,9,14/ Gen 22:2/ Judg 11:30-32,34,38,39
God forbids human sacrifice
Deut 12:30,31
19. God tempts men
Gen 22:1/ 2 Sam 24:1/ Jer 20:7/ Matt 6:13
God tempts no man
James 1:13
20. God cannot lie
Heb 6:18
God lies by proxy; he sends forth lying spirits t deceive
2 Thes 2:11/ 1 Kings 22:23/ Ezek 14:9
21. Because of man's wickedness God destroys him
Gen 6:5,7
Because of man's wickedness God will not destroy him
Gen 8:21
22. God's attributes are revealed in his works.
Rom 1:20
God's attributes cannot be discovered
Job 11:7/ Is 40:28
23. There is but one God
Deut 6:4
There is a plurality of gods
Gen 1:26/ Gen 3:22/ Gen 18:1-3/ 1 John 5:7


Moral Precepts

24. Robbery commanded
Ex 3:21,22/ Ex 12:35,36
Robbery forbidden
Lev 19:13/ Ex 20:15
25. Lying approved and sanctioned
Josh 2:4-6/ James 2:25/ Ex 1:18-20/ 1 Kings 22:21,22
Lying forbidden
Ex 20:16/ Prov 12:22/ Rev 21:8
26. Hatred to the Edomite sanctioned
2 Kings 14:7,3
Hatred to the Edomite forbidden
Deut 23:7
27. Killing commanded
Ex 32:27
Killing forbidden
Ex 20:13
28. The blood-shedder must die
Gen 9:5,6
The blood-shedder must not die
Gen 4:15
29. The making of images forbidden
Ex 20:4
The making of images commanded
Ex 25:18,20
30. Slavery and oppression ordained
Gen 9:25/ Lev 25:45,46/ Joel 3:8
Slavery and oppression forbidden
Is 58:6/ Ex 22:21/ Ex 21:16/ Matt 23:10
31. Improvidence enjoyed
Matt 6:28,31,34/ Luke 6:30,35/ Luke 12:3
Improvidence condemned
1 Tim 5:8/ Prov 13:22
32. Anger approved
Eph 4:26
Anger disapproved
Eccl 7:9/ Prov 22:24/ James 1:20
33. Good works to be seen of men
Matt 5:16
Good works not to be seen of men
Matt 6:1
34. Judging of others forbidden
Matt 7:1,2
Judging of others approved
1 Cor 6:2-4/ 1 Cor 5:12
35. Christ taught non-resistance
Matt 5:39/ Matt 26:52
Christ taught and practiced physical resistance
Luke 22:36/ John 2:15
36. Christ warned his followers not to fear being killed
Luke 12:4
Christ himself avoided the Jews for fear of being killed
John 7:1
37. Public prayer sanctioned
1 Kings 8:22,54, 9:3
Public prayer disapproved
Matt 6:5,6
38. Importunity in prayer commended
Luke 18:5,7
Importunity in prayer condemned
Matt 6:7,8
39. The wearing of long hair by men sanctioned
Judg 13:5/ Num 6:5
The wearing of long hair by men condemned
1 Cor 11:14
40. Circumcision instituted
Gen 17:10
Circumcision condemned
Gal 5:2
41. The Sabbath instituted
Ex 20:8
The Sabbath repudiated
Is 1:13/ Rom 14:5/ Col 2:16
42. The Sabbath instituted because God rested on the seventh day
Ex 20:11
The Sabbath instituted because God brought the Israelites
out of Egypt
Deut 5:15
43. No work to be done on the Sabbath under penalty of death
Ex 31:15/ Num 15:32,36
Jesus Christ broke the Sabbath and justified his disciples in
the same
John 5:16/ Matt 12:1-3,5
44. Baptism commanded
Matt 28:19
Baptism not commanded
1 Cor 1:17,14
45. Every kind of animal allowed for food.
Gen 9:3/ 1 Cor 10:25/ Rom 14:14
Certain kinds of animals prohibited for food.
Deut 14:7,8
46. Taking of oaths sanctioned
Num 30:2/ Gen 21:23-24,31/ Gen 31:53/ Heb 6:13
Taking of oaths forbidden
Matt 5:34
47. Marriage approved
Gen 2:18/ Gen 1:28/ Matt 19:5/ Heb 13:4
Marriage disapproved
1 Cor 7:1/ 1 Cor 7:7,8
48. Freedom of divorce permitted
Deut 24:1/ Deut 21:10,11,14
Divorce restricted
Matt 5:32
49. Adultery forbidden
Ex 20:14/ Heb 13:4
Adultery allowed
Num 31:18/ Hos 1:2; 2:1-3
50. Marriage or cohabitation with a sister denounced
Deut 27:22/ Lev 20:17
Abraham married his sister and God blessed the union
Gen 20:11,12/ Gen 17:16
51. A man may marry his brother's widow
Deut 25:5
A man may not marry his brother's widow
Lev 20:21
52. Hatred to kindred enjoined
Luke 14:26
Hatred to kindred condemned
Eph 6:2/ Eph 5:25,29
53. Intoxicating beverages recommended
Prov 31:6,7/ 1 Tim 5:23/ Ps 104:15
Intoxicating beverages discountenanced
Prov 20:1/ Prov 23:31,32
54. It is our duty to obey our rulers, who are God's ministers
and punish evil doers only
Rom 13:1-3,6
It is not our duty to obey rulers, who sometimes punish the
good and receive unto themselves damnation therefor
Ex 1:17,20/ Dan 3:16,18/ Dan 6:9,7,10/ Acts 4:26,27/
Mark 12:38,39,40/ Luke 23:11,24,33,35
55. Women's rights denied
Gen 3:16/ 1 Tim 2:12/ 1 Cor 14:34/ 1 Pet 3:6
Women's rights affirmed
Judg 4:4,14,15/ Judg 5:7/ Acts 2:18/ Acts 21:9
56. Obedience to masters enjoined
Col 3:22,23/ 1 Pet 2:18
Obedience due to God only
Matt 4:10/ 1 Cor 7:23/ Matt 23:10
57. There is an unpardonable sin
Mark 3:29
There is not unpardonable sin
Acts 13:39


Historical Facts

58. Man was created after the other animals
Gen 1:25,26,27
Man was created before the other animals
Gen 2:18,19
59. Seed time and harvest were never to cease
Gen 8:22
Seed time and harvest did cease for seven years
Gen 41:54,56/ Gen 45:6
60. God hardened Pharaoh's heart
Ex 4:21/ Ed 9:12
Pharaoh hardened his own heart
Ex 8:15
61. All the cattle and horses in Egypt died
Ex 9:3,6/ 14:9
All the horses of Egypt did not die
Ex 14:9
62. Moses feared Pharaoh
Ex 2:14,15,23; 4:19
Moses did not fear Pharaoh
Heb 11:27
63. There died of the plague twenty-four thousand
Num 25:9
There died of the plague but twenty-three thousand
1 Cor 10:8
64. John the Baptist was Elias
Matt 11:14
John the Baptist was not Elias
John 1:21
65. The father of Joseph, Mary's husband was Jacob
Matt 1:16
The father of Mary's husband was Heli
Luke 3:23
66. The father of Salah was Arphaxad
Gen 11:12
The father of Salah was Cainan
Luke 3:35,36
67. There were fourteen generations from Abraham to David
Matt 1:17
There were but thirteen generations from Abraham to David
Matt 1:2-6
68. There were fourteen generations from the Babylonian captivity
to Christ.
Matt 1:17
There were but thirteen generations from the Babylonian
captivity to Christ
Matt 1:12-16
69. The infant Christ was taken into Egypt
Matt 2:14,15,19,21,23
The infant Christ was not taken into Egypt
Luke 2:22, 39
70. Christ was tempted in the wilderness
Mark 1:12,13
Christ was not tempted in the wilderness
John 2:1,2
71. Christ preached his first sermon on the mount
Matt 5:1,2
Christ preached his first sermon on the plain
Luke 6:17,20
72. John was in prison when Jesus went into Galilee
Mark 1:14
John was not in prison when Jesus went into Galilee
John 1:43/ John 3:22-24
73. Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with a staff
and sandals
Mark 6:8,9
Christ's disciples were commanded to go forth with neither
staffs nor sandals.
Matt 10:9,10
74. A woman of Canaan besought Jesus
Matt 15:22
It was a Greek woman who besought Him
Mark 7:26
75. Two blind men besought Jesus
Matt 20:30
Only one blind man besought Him
Luke 18:35,38
76. Christ was crucified at the third hour
Mark 15:25
Christ was not crucified until the sixth hour
John 19:14,15
77. The two thieves reviled Christ.
Matt 27:44/ Mark 15:32
Only one of the thieves reviled Christ
Luke 23:39,40
78. Satan entered into Judas while at supper
John 13:27
Satan entered into him before the supper
Luke 22:3,4,7
79. Judas committed suicide by hanging
Matt 27:5
Judas did not hang himself, but died another way
Acts 1:18
80. The potter's field was purchased by Judas
Acts 1:18
The potter's field was purchased by the Chief Priests
Matt 27:6,7
81. There was but one woman who came to the sepulchre
John 20:1
There were two women who came to the sepulchre
Matt 28:1
82. There were three women who came to the sepulchre
Mark 16:1
There were more than three women who came to the sepulchre
Luke 24:10
83. It was at sunrise when they came to the sepulchre
Mark 16:2
It was some time before sunrise when they came.
John 20:1
84. There were two angels seen by the women at the sepulchre, and
they were standing up.
Luke 24:4
There was but one angel seen, and he was sitting down.
Matt 28:2,5
85. There were two angels seen within the sepulchre.
John 20:11,12
There was but one angel seen within the sepulchre
Mark 16:5
86. Christ was to be three days and three nights in the grave
Matt 12:40
Christ was but two days and two nights in the grave
Mark 15:25,42,44,45,46; 16:9>
87. Holy ghost bestowed at pentecost
Acts 1:8,5
Holy ghost bestowed before pentecost
John 20:22
88. The disciples were commanded immediately after the
resurrection to go into Galilee
Matt 28:10
The disciples were commanded immediately after the
resurrection to go tarry at Jerusalem
Luke 24:49
89. Jesus first appeared to the eleven disciples in a room at
Jerusalem
Luke 24:33,36,37/ John 20:19
Jesus first appeared to the eleven on a mountain in Galilee
Matt 28:16,17
90. Christ ascended from Mount Olivet
Acts 1:9,12
Christ ascended from Bethany
Luke 24:50,51
91. Paul's attendants heard the miraculous voice, and stood
speechless
Acts 9:7
Paul's attendants heard not the voice and were prostrate
Acts 26:14
92. Abraham departed to go into Canaan
Gen 12:5
Abraham went not knowing where
Heb 11:8
93. Abraham had two sons
Gal 4:22
Abraham had but one son
Heb 11:17
94. Keturah was Abraham's wife
Gen 25:1
Keturah was Abraham's concubine
1 Chron 1:32
95. Abraham begat a son when he was a hundred years old, by the
interposition of Providence
Gen 21:2/ Rom 4:19/ Heb 11:12
Abraham begat six children more after he was a hundred years
old without any interposition of providence
Gen 25:1,2
96. Jacob bought a sepulchre from Hamor
Josh 24:32
Abraham bought it of Hamor
Acts 7:16
97. God promised the land of Canaan to Abraham and his seed
forever
Gen 13:14,15,17; 17:8
Abraham and his seed never received the promised land
Acts 7:5/ Heb 11:9,13
98. Goliath was slain by Elhanan
2 Sam 21:19 *note, was changed in translation to be
correct. Original manuscript was incorrect>
The brother of Goliath was slain by Elhanan
1 Chron 20:5
99. Ahaziah began to reign in the twelfth year of Joram
2 Kings 8:25
Ahaziah began to reign in the eleventh year of Joram
2 Kings 9:29
100. Michal had no child
2 Sam 6:23
Michal had five children
2 Sam 21:8
101. David was tempted by the Lord to number Israel
2 Sam 24:1
David was tempted by Satan to number the people
1 Chron 21:1
102. The number of fighting men of Israel was 800,000; and of
Judah 500,000
2 Sam 24:9
The number of fighting men of Israel was 1,100,000; and of
Judah 470,000
1 Chron 21:5
103. David sinned in numbering the people
2 Sam 24:10
David never sinned, except in the matter of Uriah
1 Kings 15:5
104. One of the penalties of David's sin was seven years of
famine.
2 Sam 24:13
It was not seven years, but three years of famine
1 Chron 21:11,12
105. David took seven hundred horsemen
2 Sam 8:4
David took seven thousand horsemen
1 Chron 18:4
106. David bought a threshing floor for fifty shekels of silver
2 Sam 24:24
David bought the threshing floor for six hundred shekels of
gold
1 Chron 21:25
107. David's throne was to endure forever.
Ps 89:35-37
David's throne was cast down
Ps 89:44


Speculative Doctrines

108. Christ is equal with God
John 10:30/ Phil 2:5
Christ is not equal with God
John 14:28/ Matt 24:36
109. Jesus was all-powerful
Matt 28:18/ John 3:35
Jesus was not all-powerful
Mark 6:5
110. The law was superseded by the Christian dispensation
Luke 16:16/ Eph 2:15/ Rom 7:6
The law was not superseded by the Christian dispensation
Matt 5:17-19
111. Christ's mission was peace
Luke 2:13,14
Christ's mission was not peace
Matt 10:34
112. Christ received not testimony from man
John 5:33,34
Christ did receive testimony from man
John 15:27
113. Christ's witness of himself is true.
John 8:18,14
Christ's witness of himself is not true.
John 5:31
114. Christ laid down his life for his friends
John 15:13/ John 10:11
Christ laid down his life for his enemies
Rom 5:10
115. It was lawful for the Jews to put Christ to death
John 19:7
It was not lawful for the Jews to put Christ to death
John 18:31
116. Children are punished for the sins of the parents
Ex 20:5
Children are not punished for the sins of the parents
Ezek 18:20
117. Man is justified by faith alone
Rom 3:20/ Gal 2:16/ Gal 3:11,12/ Rom 4:2
Man is not justified by faith alone
James 2:21,24/ Rom 2:13
118. It is impossible to fall from grace
John 10:28/ Rom 8:38,39
It is possible to fall from grace
Ezek 18:24/ Heb 6:4-6, 2 Pet 2:20,21
119. No man is without sin
1 Kings 8:46/ Prov 20:9/ Eccl 7:20/ Rom 3:10
Christians are sinless
1 John 3: 9,6,8
120. There is to be a resurrection of the dead
1 Cor 15:52/ Rev 20:12,13/ Luke 20:37/ 1 Cor 15:16
There is to be no resurrection of the dead
Job 7:9/ Eccl 9:5/ Is 26:14
121. Reward and punishment to be bestowed in this world
Prov 11:31
Reward and punishment to be bestowed in the next world
Rev 20:12/ Matt 16:27/ 2 Cor 5:10
122. Annihilation the portion of all mankind
Job 3: 11,13-17,19-22/ Eccl 9:5,10/ Eccl 3:19,20
Endless misery the portion of all mankind
Matt 25:46/ Rev 20:10,15/ Rev 14:11/ Dan 12:2
123. The Earth is to be destroyed
2 Pet 3:10/ Heb 1:11/ Rev 20:11
The Earth is never to be destroyed
Ps 104:5/ Eccl 1:4
124. No evil shall happen to the godly
Prov 12:21/ 1 Pet 3:13
Evil does happen to the godly
Heb 12:6/ Job 2:3,7
125. Worldly good and prosperity are the lot of the godly
Prov 12:21/ Ps 37:28,32,33,37/ Ps 1:1,3/ Gen 39:2/
Job 42:12
Worldly misery and destitution the lot of the godly
Heb 11:37,38/ Rev 7:14/ 2 Tim 3:12/ Luke 21:17
126. Worldly prosperity a reward of righteousness and a blessing
Mark 10:29,30/ Ps 37:25/ Ps 112:1,3/ Job 22:23,24/
Prov 15:6
Worldly prosperity a curse and a bar to future reward
Luke 6:20,24/ Matt 6:19,21/ Luke 16:22/ Matt 19:24/
Luke 6:24
127. The Christian yoke is easy
Matt 11:28,29,30
The Christian yoke is not easy
John 16:33/ 2 Tim 3:12/ Heb 12:6,8
128. The fruit of God's spirit is love and gentleness
Gal 5:22
The fruit of God's spirit is vengeance and fury
Judg 15:14/ 1 Sam 18:10,11
129. Longevity enjoyed by the wicked
Job 21:7,8/ Ps 17:14/ Eccl 8:12/ Is 65:20
Longevity denied to the wicked
Eccl 8:13/ Ps 55:23/ Prov 10:27/ Job 36:14/ Eccl 7:17
130. Poverty a blessing
Luke 6:20,24/ Jams 2:5
Riches a blessing
Prov 10:15/ Job 22:23,24/ Job 42:12
Neither poverty nor riches a blessing
Prov 30:8,9
131. Wisdom a source of enjoyment
Prov 3:13,17
Wisdom a source of vexation, grief and sorrow
Eccl 1:17,18
132. A good name is a blessing
Eccl 7:1/ Prov 22:1
A good name is a curse
Luke 6:26
133. Laughter commended
Eccl 3:1,4/ Eccl 8:15
Laughter condemned
Luke 6:25/ Eccl 7:3,4
134. The rod of correction a remedy for foolishness
Prov 22:15
There is no remedy for foolishness
Prov 27:22
135. A fool should be answered according to his folly
Prov 26:5
A fool should not be answered according to his folly
Prov 26:4
136. Temptation to be desired
James 1:2
Temptation not to be desired
Matt 6:13
137. Prophecy is sure
2 Pet 1:19
Prophecy is not sure
Jer 18:7-10
138. Man's life was to be one hundred and twenty years
Gen 6:3/ Ps 90:10
Man's life is but seventy years
Ps 90:10
139. The fear of man was to be upon every beast
Gen 9:2
The fear of man is not upon the lion
Prov 30:30
140. Miracles a proof of divine mission
Matt 11:2-5/ John 3:2/ Ex 14:31
Miracles not a proof of divine mission
Ex 7:10-12/ Deut 13:1-3/ Luke 11:19
141. Moses was a very meek man
Num 12:3
Moses was a very cruel man
Num 31:15,17
142. Elijah went up to heaven
2 Kings 2:11
None but Christ ever ascended into heaven
John 3:13
143. All scripture is inspired
2 Tim 3:16
Some scripture is not inspired
1 Cor 7:6/ 1 Cor 7:12/ 2 Cor 11:17

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