Derf Nosferatu

A poem I wrote about a handicapped vampire.

You thought you knew vampires, well look again
Derf Nosferatu always trips,and lands on his chin
Got punched in the ear, and blew out his drum
Equilibrium lost, and his feet went numb.
Since he's already dead, there's no chance of it healing
So he breaks into Red Cross and resorts to some stealing.
But more times than not, he stumbles and crashes
And gets beat the fuck down by anti-vampire fascists.
No one takes him serious enough for a stake through the heart
Just a few facial kicks and some jabs with a dart.
He used to be the "Alpha" in Transylvania
But he now gets less respect than the 2nd Wrestlemania.
He has avoided mild pains by dressing in Nerf
This stumbling has-been that all know as Derf.
To "derf" means to fall and land on your face
Just run away from him he wont try to chase
He fears humiliation more than he fears death
And if he were to run he'd look like a retard on meth.
He opts to sit in his castle to keep people from knowin'
Jacking off to pictures of the "goth queen" Rose Mcgowan.
He eats rats and bats and whatever he can trap.
Compared to human blood it all tastes like crap.
He keeps holding out for scientific advances.
So he can flirt with some jailbait at middle school dances.
But he'll never be badass, he'll never be scary
Just a dumbshit vampire, who acts like a fairy.